I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Wednesday, March 16, 2011


I guess I’ve been a little quite lately, haven’t had much to say on topic. It’s easier sometimes to write for Cassie. I guess it should be easier I’ve been listening to her for over 40 years. I know her. As for me, well I’ve only known this me for the past 5 years. Before I became PK I lived quietly and happily as someone else. I was a nice person; I married a really nice guy. We got along great, mostly by not bothering one another. I enjoyed my life then. I was happy, no great highs but NO deep lows at all. Not a bad trade off probably.

When I came out 5 years ago things changed. I’m still not as familiar with myself as I was with the old me. The highs since I came out have been phenomenal but the low have been pretty low. I’m not sure I really like the roller coaster feeling. It sure is tempting to go back to the old me. Being her is a natural and everything’s easy. Don’t worry if you’re confused, I am too.


  1. Sometimes it's enough to just say you are confused. There is a little bit of clarity in it, if you think about it. Hang in there..

  2. PK, to be human is to be confused, sometimes.
    Stop looking back, it's unhealthy, and going back is impossible.
    You admit that you are happier now, hang onto that.
    Love and warm hugs,

  3. We all get confused and wonder what if....I agree with Paul, there is no going back. Hang in there.....you have my email...
    HUGS abby

  4. We all get confused at some point PK and your no different. If you really were honest you wouldn't want to go back to how it was, would you?

    Be happy now don't look back.


  5. Maybe you should try and get to know the real YOU instead of Cassie, who is not real.

    Life is always full of ups and downs, it's healthy to feel that way. I'm pretty sure it happens to all of us. Otherwise life would be pretty boring. Wouldn't you agree that life wasn't as exciting back then?

    Either way, I love ya!

  6. Stormy,
    I think you’re right. Admitting that I don’t know how I feel about things is truthful and sometimes that’s comforting.

    I don’t know. When I’m happier I’m much happier but when I’m down I’m more unhappy than I was in the past.

    Thanks Abby,
    I think Paul is as smart as anyone out here but I don’t think it’s impossible to go back. It’s like paddling up a gentle stream; if you just stop you’ll go back.

    I’m working on it. I really do want to be happy. Would I go back?? Maybe if I didn’t know what I was missing. Guess that’s not possible now though.

    I can’t say your advice isn’t good because it probably is, but just as if you’d told me to exercise daily, get more sleep and give up junk food – it ain’t gonna happen.

    I guess I’m trying to decide which bothers me more boring or roller coaster.

  7. I know all about those "highs" and "lows" lately! Hang in there...you ARE much better off now!

  8. Judy,
    Thanks for coming by. I hope you're right.