I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Tuesday, May 28, 2019

How do you decide?

All right all my wise and knowing DD friends, tell me this -  what happens when you and your well loved significant other,  can’t come to a mutual decision? Who ultimately should have the final say?



Nick and I are about to begin on a dark, perilous journey. We’re redecorating the living room. Redecorating is not good for our marriage. It’s the closest we ever come to fighting, mostly stony silence. I’m usually the one wanting change. As long as it functions as it’s supposed to, Nick would just as soon leave it alone.

We moved into the house Nick already owned when we married, so in my mind, deep down it his house. Now, I’m mostly over that, and we’ve made some lovely changes over the years. But my first desire for change was shot down so definitely that  it was nearly ten years into the marriage before I dared make another suggestion. 

When I first walked into his living room, when we were dating I wasn’t impressed. Worst of all were two huge mirrors over the fire place mantle – I hated them, they looked old fashion to me nearly forty years ago. They're still there!


It’s not that I’ve been complaining about them steadily all those years and Nick’s been refusing. I’ve just mentioned every few years, ‘We need to change the fire place wall.’ Or ‘I really don’t like the mirrors, their so old fashion looking.’ Nick simply let it wash over him. The mirrors weren’t bothering anything (but me), leave well enough alone, he seemed to say.

Now I finally have he go ahead to make the change – not enthusiastic agreement, mind you. More of a, ‘Sure, fine if you have to.” kind of thing. But I’ll take it. I showed him a picture of what I wanted, and he said it looked good to him. There’s more than that wall of course, isn’t there always? 

We’ll need to paint the rest of the room and hall and I want to put up crown molding and a nicer baseboard. This is where we come to our first major sticking point. One of us wants a natural wood tone for the trim and the other wants to have the crown molding and the baseboard painted to match the new bookcases that are being built. Truly it will look nice either way – I know that. But I think it will look way better my way and Nick feels the same about his way.



So who gets their way? How do we decide? Some would say that Nick as HOH should have the deciding vote. But we don’t have a DD relationship. Some would say that the wife should have the final decision on decorating the house (since I’ve had to wait thirty-eight years!) But that’s not necessarily fair either.

I wish this was a project we could enjoy doing together. But few of our decorating projects have felt that way to me. Because we have such a hard time communicating about such thing we each get an idea in our head of how it will look best and then it just seems to become adversarial. And I think whichever of us ‘win’ the other feels bullied into the decision. And to show you how long this crap sticks with me, I’m still hurt and disappointed that I didn’t get new carpet for the nursery. And I’m talking about LJ’s nursery – he’s thirty-one years old now! And I still remember that ugly, old, yellow carpet that was in his room and I’ve given myself a pain in my chest right now just writing about it.

So how would you handle this at your house? Seriously, I’d love suggestions.

19 comments:

  1. We've been here in this house for 11 yrs now, PK and we need to re-paint the interior. Frank is a painter by trade so getting the work done isn't an issue ... but colours - it's not getting done because we can't agree ... sigh! - I feel your pain ... nj ... xx

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    1. What's wrong with us? We kept ugly curtains in the bedroom for 13 years because we couldn't decide what we wanted.

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  2. Hi PK, oh no, this is a tough one. I think decorating is a major source of consternation and arguing for many couples. I wish I had some answers. All I can say is communication and compromise. Wishing you all the best!

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. We're going to do something, even if it's wrong.

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  3. I agree with Roz a tough one. P is the same, if it looks OK why bother. We need two bedrooms redoing but goodness knows when they will get done.

    Don't forget to take a before and after pic.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    1. I'll take pictures. We're going to do something!

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  4. PK, I guess I am spoiled and didn't know it. Sam always lets me make the decorating decisions. Sometimes he has doubts, but he is always happy in the end. He will tell people, "Ella has these decorating visions."

    I am glad that you didn't tell us who wants the dark wood trim and who wants the light trim. That way my opinion isn't biased. If the kids were still little, I would stick with the dark trim just because it doesn't show scuffs and fingerprints. Since it is just you and Nick, I think the white trim will brighten up the room. Think about white wooden blinds instead of draperies too.

    Molly may not want to take sides on this question, but the girl has good taste. Ask her to help you, my friend.

    Hugs From Ella

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    1. You are spoiled. My folks were like this. I was stunned at first when I found out Nick had an opinion on decorating. Mollie usually likes what I like, but she has no problem telling me if she doesn't like something.

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  5. Put both options in a hat and pick one. Whoever wins the other party needs to live with the decision (gracefully).

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    1. I guess that would be fair, but this one is too important to me. I'm going to keep trying to convert him to my way of thinking.

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  6. I have no idea. Good luck on your decisions! LOL Hugs, Windy

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    1. Thanks, we'll keep working on it.

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  7. If we disagree on something like this (which we always do, because we have very different tastes), it all comes down to who's going to pay for it. If I'm paying, I have my way. If he's paying, he has his way. If we're both willing to cough up the cash, then it's more of an issue, and usually means nothing gets done.

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    1. I'd be happy to pay for this, although our money is general intertwined. We're going to have to agree on something. I just hope it's soon.

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  8. Even though we have a DD relationship, Ty would not get the final say on something so important to me (I think). Anyway to compromise?

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    1. It's really tough when you want two different things. Neither of us is wrong - we just have different ideas. It's frustrating.

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  9. Deena3:39 PM

    Blah. I hate this sort of thing. We just did some redecorating. It's been 28 years and we finally pulled up carpeting and put in wood floors, painted bedrooms and got a new bedroom set(actual matching furniture with drawers that have handles)! Yet we are still in the midst of a few sticking points. For example, I hate hate hate the big thing with the ugly bookshelves that we have our tv sitting on in the living room, and I desperately want new curtains in the bedroom that match the new paint and furniture. We are where you are - no change in sight because we cannot agree. I'll be following along to see what happens and maybe I'll learn from you!

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  10. Good luck on this one. I just showed my guy the above pictures and we both like different ones. When it comes to decorating or paint colour a compromise must be found, we’re both living in it. Like you said, either way it will look beautiful!

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  11. A difficult situation for certain. Like you said, both ideas look nice. If it is really important to you talk with him. Find a way to compromise if there is one. The house is both of yours and you want to feel happy in your home. Maybe a really nice "please, honey" with a sweet look in your eye will do the trick??? :-) Really I have no good advice. We haven't redecorated since we bought our home many years ago - other than painting the kids' rooms :-) Hugs

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