I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Answering a commenter's question

I got the following comment/question on my post, About that talk with Nick...

Dear PK, please allow me to be a little provocative. I am curious. What if you actually attain your goal. There will be no spanking. And what if, theoretically, you remove all your flaws for which you are spanked... All spankings will be over. You like the spanking and you need it. It's rather a prize for you rather than a punishment. I am with you on it because I like giving it very much as well and I am most excited when my girl wants it, needs it. But for me it is a very poor motivator - or punishment - because there is pleasure coming with it, so it's no deterrent all, is it? That is why I have no believe in punishment spanking for anyone who likes spanking because, it's no punishment whatsoever. To put it most illustratively, I would be most opposed to giving a spanking to a woman for a speeding ticket because I think I might seriously put in danger her health or life.

 I think Mobby raised some excellent questions, some I’m sure most vanilla guys have if they were brought into this relationship by their ladies. Nick asked me something very similar to this when we first began. It does make you stop and think, his question is very logical. If we crave and enjoy spanking how can it be a deterrent to bad (dangerous, destructive, thoughtless, disrespectful) behaviors?

I'm giving the answer that true for me, it might not be the answer someone else would give, but here goes. I think much of it depends on your definition of spanking vs TTWD (this thing we do). Spanking is an integral part of TTWD, but it’s only one part. To me ‘a spanking’ means so much more that a hand or an implement sharply striking my butt. Heck I can do that myself. Because I know how I mean it, I often used 'spanking' and 'TTWD' interchangeably. To be clear when I tell Nick I need spanking in my life I really mean that I need TTWD in my life.

For me TTWD involves a man who cares enough about me enough to ‘make’ me do what I need to do to be healthy physically, mentally and emotionally. Both for me personally and for us, for our relationship. In my case, it’s taking a formerly vanilla man who took on the challenge of a wife who came out to him as a spanko twenty-three years into a marriage. He took to the idea of spanking when it went against everything he’d been taught in childhood or believed as an adult. He trusted me enough to believe me when I told him what I needed.

The spanking is an outward sigh of this commitment. I enjoy being spanked, that true. But it can still be a deterrent. When Nick spanks he makes me want to do better for him.  It’s proof for me that he is serious. He has to physically stop what he is doing, put down the book, put down the cross-word puzzle, turn away from the ball game, whatever, to spank me. To me it’s tangible proof he cares.

Nick’s one bad habit is to make a suggestion (a rule) and I love that he does it so much, I jump right on it and try my best. But then I slip and let the rule/suggestion slide – and Nick never seems to notice. He does nothing and it hurts my feelings. It hurts even worse when he remembers several months later and says, ‘Well I told you to do it, but you didn’t.’ Yes, that all sounds very adult (and vanilla) but my heart silently screams, “Why didn’t you care enough to make me? Why didn’t you spank my ass until I knew you were serious?”

TTWD makes me know I'm cherished, cared for, protected and loved by someone strong enough to make me do what’s best for me. And for me, spanking is one of the best ways to demonstrate this.

I think of a quote from Cassie Duff, “Tom can come up with a million reasons to spank.” I do enjoy a good girl spanking, but ‘real one’ are closer to my heart. Stress relief spankings, those that say, ‘You’re doing fine, but don’t you dare let up’, reconnection spanking when it seems we are just drifting away from one another, motivationally spanking work for some and many do a weekly maintenance spanking.

Mobby, about that spanking for something like a speeding ticket.  It depends, if I were the dominate partner and it was her first ticket we’d probably just talk. But if it happened again then, yes I’d definitely spank, but she’s know it was for disappointing me and for not working harder to keep herself safe. It would be a hard-serious spanking that would not be fun for either of us and their might be consequences other than spanking. But in addition to that there might be a hard spanking anytime she’s going to be driving for the next several days and definitely before any long driving trips – a reminder of how important she is to me, that she is to pay attention to the law, her safety and what I’ve told her.

I love being spanked, but I get my pleasure not from the act of his hand hitting my bottom. My pleasure is from knowing he cares enough about me to do it. It makes me care for him more, and it makes me want to work harder at doing the things he’s asked of me. I receive love and affirmation from his taking the time to do it. I fine pleasure in the aftermath, the joy of being sore when I sit or finding the occasional bruise, with these things I have tangible proof that he cares enough to do this.

Yes, there are a million reasons to spank and if you’re in a relationship with someone who needs spanking in their lives you need to come up with a steady stream. Fun spankings are always welcomed. But for many of us we need a little realism too. I don’t want every spanking to be just a game. My desire to feel ‘cherished, cared for, protected and loved’ is fulfilled by spankings that has a reason behind it and not just part of a game. It’s not something I need all the time, but it is something I need.

I hope all this has helped explain it a little bit. Maybe some of my readers can leave their answers in comment.


  1. Hi PK, these are some great questions and I love your answers. I agree, it is so much more than the act of spanking itself, it's knowing he cares, feeling loved and protected and the many other benefits of ttwd, such as a greater connection and better communication.

    On the subject of punishment spankings, when we had a domestic discipline dynamic spankings were for fun, role affirmation and punishment. Each type of spanking was different due to the reason and emotions behind it. Punishment spankings were definitely not enjoyable and were effective. As you said, it reinforced that he cared and that the issue which led to the spanking was important to him. Although the spanking itself was not enjoyable, I did enjoy the aftermath, the feeling of being cared for and that the issue was no behind us (pardon the pun lol).


    1. I feel you and I and the relationship we have with our men are very similar. Often hard to explain, but we understand it ourselves.

  2. As the author of the comment that has sparked this theme, I am feeling compelled to extend it a little here, all the more that PK has taken the effort to write a whole post about it. Thanks for your thoughts, PK, much appreciated.

    To begin with, I am a lifelong spanker, with a bit of a switch somewhere. I am convinced that, apart from female hand being very sweet, it is worth knowing what I am doing. As some put “you have to know your own pain before you inflict it”. But that’s another topic perhaps.
    So, I’ve been in a playful spanking relationship and I’ve been in a kind of DD relationship. I know now that DD is not my ground. I am not single-minded about and I respect different interests and needs of fellow spankos. In a way I have predicted PK’s answers being along the line: “spanking equals an expression of care”. Many years ago someone wrote to me: “I want him to spank me and show that he cares that way.” And here is the key issue. It is a powerful demonstration of care, one that a spankee will want to see – and feel, very palpably, so to speak – time and again. If s/he doesn’t see it, well, something is missing. How to get it? Well, do something that will trigger it, some punishable transgression will likely do the trick. And here I see why DD, and the motivational spankings cannot be an effective deterrent for someone who likes spanking, there are great physical and emotional attractions of that for all of us, and apart from the hot bottom and a lot blood in the intimate region of our body, ‘spanking equals expression of care’ is the most powerful of them.

    What’s more, I think that no-one can be made to do anything. It’s even about being adult. Or perhaps it is and it’s about basic independence, authorship and ownership of responsibility. If someone does something because they are made to and not out of their own will, to me it’s not worth much. That especially applies to serious matters in life, like learning something new, taking care of one’s health (slimming down included?), starting university studies, driving safely. I think that none of these things can regulated or enforced with a leather belt or any external force to motivate or sanction. As a man I don’t expect a woman to embark on any development activity (learning, exercising, driving, dropping a bad habit) ‘for me’. I want her to do all that for herself and out of herself. And I will appreciate, support and coach her, as far as I can, but I will not apply any force to her and so, I can’t see an English rattan cane in my coaching tool box (though I certainly have one:).

    Professionally, I am a teacher, and I am most excited to see that some wants to learn something carries that will through. And I cannot teach someone who does not want to learn. Years ago, a nineteen year old girl I taught English to (I was 21), asked me that question: “I wonder what you will do to me if I don’t do my homework”. A chance of something could have been there, I didn’t know exactly what she had in mind, but I said: “Well, I will do nothing to you, because that is your own thing if you learn or not.”

    If a lady tells me that she wants me to spank her, I will be most happy to oblige, and without a delay. That’s exactly because I care about her. But I feel, and that’s very personal to me, I cannot regulate her flaws or weaknesses, with my hand, my belt or my little French martinet. For me it’s only a theatre, and there we can play all possible roles. That’s how I see it and I respect all other interest and needs.

    I think, dear PK, that there are two different spanking and relational philosophies in play here. All well, and wish you best of luck with everything, starting from slimming down. 

    1. You have some very good points for your type of spanking relationship. And you are right you can't 'make' anyone do anything. I've often told Nick, when I've asked him to help me, that I am fully aware that it's not HIS responsibility that I exercise or control what I eat - it's 100 % MY responsible, but he can help me enormously by using spanking as he and I have discussed it.

      I'm coming from a different place than you. I've been with this man for almost 34 years. We are two people who are very close and have complete trust in one another. He know want I need and he's understand that spanking can help me get there. It may sometimes seem counter-proudctive to some, but as long as he and I know what we're doing, we're good.

  3. Anonymous7:12 AM

    I see and understand many of your points Mobby. Of course no one can be 'made' to do anything, one can however be inspired. I also agree that if we need spanking to show our spouse cares there is something wrong. But I don't think PK meant that Nick spanking her was the exclusive way he shows he cares.

    I have been in a D/s relationship ( no latex or St. Andrew's cross) for several years. Prior to that I knew my husband cared, he was just not showing it in the overt way that spoke to me. I am a submissive woman, to my husband, (and to be honest to others I trust) having my husband as my dominant, the person who has authority over me is an additional tool to show me how much he truly cares. No, he can't actually MAKE me do anything, but the fact that he signed up once asked against what he has also been taught growing up, was a good indicator that he cared in a deeper level than perhaps I thought. I never once thought he'd say no, but I didn't realize the depths he would go. This mindset might very well be a huge difference between the way you view things and the way PK and myself do. Our husbands did not bring this to us. They were not spankos (or that either of us knew) before ttwd.

    He spanks for punishment, but it isn't the sexually arousing kind of punishment. It is the climb the walls and try to get away kind. The arousal does not come from spanking, it comes from his dominance. A great deal of times I am angry after I have been spanked. Things you don't read in novels. LOL. I have been spanked in every way imaginable, at least to us. Personally I am not found of the good girl spanking. It rings hollow for me. I need the dominance. For myself, punishments work not because of the pain ( and trust me there is pain) but because of the disappointment of how I messed up.

    I am different than some as I won't allow my husband to discipline me over my body- often. I need to do what I need to do for me. That being said, I do have rules surrounding not eating, going to bed too late etc. I don't break these rules, the fact that he created them is reason enough for me to follow them. Pain is not the deterrent for me (no not a masochist either). So what do I get punished for then? LOL...mostly attitude when I am stressed.

    I crave the authority over me. It creates a safe haven to just 'be'. Spankings are part of that dynamic, as are many other punishments. We don't role play. We don't use spankings as foreplay, though I can guarantee there will almost always be sex after. There *is* an erotic component knowing that if you don't do xyz you could very well get spanked, but again it is the dominance not the physical act that does that. Dd or D/s is more about the mental aspect than it is about the physical. The physical plays its part but without the mental the husband/Hoh/Dom is a service player, not the leader- hardly erotic for me.

    Different types of spankings generally invoke different emotions for the spankee. Many could get spanked if they asked. Many do, and that is fantastic for them. However there are some that need the entire package, the mind, the emotions, in order for the spanking to mean anything more than an arousing physical time. I think if you ( in the general sense) don't fall into this category, then it is impossible for someone who is to explain how it is different than just an arousing spanking. Of course there is also the man vs woman's brain/emotions we are dealing with in this discussion too- not to be flippant.

    1. I believe you understand my thoughts very well. I love it when you used the word 'safe'. There are so many reasons to spank and just as you said it's only one of the many ways that our men show us that they care. I guess it's special to me because it's different from the ways vanilla's do it. I like that.

  4. Dear Anonymous, thanks for sharing this, and thanks for sharing to PK. Well, in a way I’ve started this topic to share what I feel and think and also to discover what other people feel and think. I am very open to all that and I want to understand of course. And above all, to everyone their own flavor, if I can translate directly a French saying. I have a path behind me and I have positioned myself very clearly in the whole spanking world. I have mingled with the BDSM and spanking community in Europe, and I have seen quite a bit, so as to know what I like or not and what I can offer or not. In fact I am somewhere in the middle between erotic spanking, corporal punishment and darker BDSM climates. I can give a jolly good spanking for punishment and I can tie someone up (female :-) to a whipping post (maybe not a St. Andrew’ Cross ;-). So, while I like to stir up a little bit here and there I respect all preferences.

  5. P.K.:

    Wow!! great answer!!!


  6. It is amazing that an innocent post can generate an answer and comments that crystalise thoughts to so many of the questions that we vanilla spankers have. This question, and the all time favorite of "Why???", are the 2 that have plagued me for the past 20+ years of my spanking life.

    Thank you to both PK and Mobby for this insightful post...it has gone a long way to solving one of my dilemmas.

    1. Glad to help some. I often tell Nick - don't worry if you don't 'get it', just trust me and do it!

  7. You are most welcome, Don, the pleasure is... well, hopefully not all mine.. :-) I do enjoy discussing these things with likeminded - and slightly different minded people.. Good luck with everything.:-)

  8. Gosh I've been thinking about these questions all my life. PK what you shared resonates in many ways for me.
    It's interesting that although it hurts, spanking shows me the love my husband has for me. Thinking of me, showing me he cares to take care of me. Even if ours isn't a purely DD dynamic, I thrill when he shows his dominance as well. Let's face it you said it better!

    1. I think we can all agree it's hard to explain! We understand it in our hearts whether we can express it or not.

  9. Lots of great questions and answers here. Thanks Mobby and PK for this thought provoking discussion.

    Hugs and blessings...Cat

    1. I love discussing spanking - wish it could be done in the vanilla world.

  10. Okay, if you wish to discuss a little more, I invite you to have a look at this blogspot:


    Now, that's a serious one and there a very interesting discussion below Vivian's text, so it's quite a bit of reading. Interestingly and sadly, Vivian had some issues five years ago and she completely disapperaed from cyberspace, or her blog at least. I will be very curious about everyone's views on this, and in a way this is what is deeper beneath my issues with DD.

  11. A very interesting conversation with many good points. In fact I would like to read more carefully when I have the time. In the meantime thanks for a great thought provoking read...I will look forward to reading all the comments soon... Hugs

  12. This is such an interesting post, PK! For us, spanking is a great connector in all kinds of times. It brings us together to tackle stress, difficulties, sadness, and behaviors that can chip away at our love, causing resentment, and ultimately creating unwanted distance over time. It is nice to feel cared for and loved, by meeting each others' needs. We work to make each other happy, and to avoid those situations that don't. I submit to Rob and it makes him happy, and he feels loved and valued. He leads, and his dominance, with spanky business, is sexy, loving, intimate, often fun, and I feel valued. Neither of us feels taken for granted, which is an easy trap to fall into after many years of marriage I think. So we both feel important to each other.

    Do I do things purposefully to get spanked? No. If I need a spanking, I will ask. I want to make him happy, so those big things that I have payed attention to, that are important to him, are things that I will not do, if I can help it. Sometimes, I mess up. Sometimes Rob does too, but things like speeding tickets were mentioned, and I can tell you that I don't do dangerous things on purpose, and never will. At the same time, I won't do things on purpose that cause hurt or worry to Rob. What do I get spanked for- discipline-wise? Mostly for little bits of attitude. I am not a swearer of yeller or any of that stuff really. I am feisty and and do get a bit "excited" about things sometimes. Rob lets me be me, and he likes his feisty Katie t anyway! So there is spanking. If I have let Rob down in some big way, which is more rare, I also feel bad. I may like spanky business, but not doing something that will be upsetting to my fella. I'd never intentionally do those kinds of things.

    Does Rob enjoy spanking me? The answer is that he does find it sexy. It does turn him on. What about those occasions when something a bit more serious has happened and there is spanking? The act of spanking still can be a bit of a turn on for him. As I have come to understand, that is normal, considering what you are seeing, etc. But Rob does not like giving those big discipline spankings. I don't like getting them. We both like the results of bringing a problem front and center, and then moving on. No distance allowed!

    What about things like personal things that I should be able to do on my own. Well, flossing my teeth for instance. I admit it. I was lazy for many years about it. Rob became the leader,and he put an end to that. I floss each day, I text him. He made the change. I attend to something that I should have anyway, but didn't. I'm betting that we all have those kinds of things somewhere. It is darn nice to have a partner care enough about you to bother to help you out, no matter what the issue. I do know that amongst deep sadness of losing both my folks in a relatively short amount of time, Rob often spanked to help me release emotions. I appreciated his caring and tenderness, even with my tender bottom. So, to make a long story short, I understand what PK is saying here. We all do things differently, but as we move forward in our own time and ways, the why perhaps becomes clearer for each of us. I hope that my thoughts were not too confusing! I really enjoyed reading, and thinking about this discussion! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie