What does a wanta-be submissive do when her beloved HOH
pisses her off royally? Nick is the best man ever. He has so few faults. Most
of his faults are things like not being firm enough, not spanking enough, not
believing in discipline – well, you get the general idea. But one other thing
he does on occasion is either snap at me or say something in a truly sarcastic
tone.
That was the case Saturday morning when he and Mollie were
hanging curtains in the guest room. I went in to check the length and see where
they fell. The length was wrong and I was showing him where I had wanted them
to fall. Obviously I knew they wouldn’t be falling there but he got really
sarcastic with his tone and said, “You want me to tear a hole in the ceiling
and put the rod up there?”
I turned and left the room without a comment. In fact, I
said very little for hours and hours. To me his comment sounded like, “You’re a
fucking idiot.” I know he never said any such thing, I know he never thought
any such thing – but that’s still the way I heard it. Usually he never notices
when I get angry and quiet. This time I guess he did a little because he was
telling me what he wanted to do when we when to pick up his car. I nodded and
he asked, “Are you giving me the silent treatment?”
I lied and told him no, I was just agreeing. Of course I gradually
get over things and we move on. But we rarely discuss the causes or possible
solutions, probably because I suck at talking about problems, even small ones. On the few time we have
he never apologies for a cutting comment, only telling me that wasn’t the way
it was meant or defending himself for saying it. When what I really want to
hear is, “I’m sorry it came out that way. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
First world problem to be sure, but when it does happen it
ruins my whole day. I’ve often wondered where spanking would come into this
mix. I don’t think Nick would ever even think to spank me when I get silent like
this and I really don’t know how I’d feel about it or react to it. He’s never
spanked when either of us is annoyed, although that’s probably when it would be
the most beneficial. I’m not saying he should have – had we been alone – I
honestly don’t know how I’d take it. I was pissed, I could see myself still
being pissed, only more so if he’d spanked me. Especially if it had been done
half-heartedly.
We all talk out here about how spanking brought us closer to our husbands. It has for us too. But … I want more.
We all talk out here about how spanking brought us closer to our husbands. It has for us too. But … I want more.
PK,
ReplyDeleteHave the two of you talked about what happens if you are distant and pull away? That behavior would lead to spanking here. The silent treatment never goes down well. Next, these men are not mind readers. You must talk to him and tell him how you felt, but you already know this. Right?
Meredith
No we haven't talked about distancing and pulling away - it would be a good idea, but I doubt it's going to happen. Yes, I know I need to talk to him in general. Doubt that's going to happen either.
DeleteHi PK. Eric and I had a rough patch recently and he told me then that the only way we will ever resolve our problems is if I tell him what I'm thinking. Yesterday he said something about a goal of his and in my head, I went to "so you'll be gone more and it doesn't matter that I'm all alone". Normally, I would have gone silent. Instead I said, "You may not mean to be hurting my feelings right now but you are." He immediately replied, "I love you, I love you, you're hearing me, right?" It was so silly and worked wonders. When I saw him that night he mentioned how nice it was being able to deal with my hurt feelings on the spot. He's right. It was short lived and way better. Speak up girl. If Nick doesn't like your tone, you might get to find out what it's like to be spanked while you're mad. Personally, I found a passionate kiss turns my mood the fastest. :) Amy
ReplyDeleteI see one major difference here. He told you he wanted to know what was in your head. I think Nick is pretty content with the way things are and doesn't want to rock the boat - I mean what I complained about here is a rarity. He doesn't even read the blog that I know of.
DeleteWell let me tell you, he is missing out! I love your blog. Amy
DeleteHi PK, Oh dear, sometimes men are a pain in the a**. Mine would be the same as \nick \i think and then when he fancied a spanking at some random date in the future, he would mention this event as a cause and annoy me all over again. Maybe you should email this post to Nick, worth a go I suppose, much sympathy,
ReplyDeletelove Jan, xx
I appreciate the sympathy - It's the age old story for me. Nick sees spanking as a means of initiating sex, where to me it's for emotional connection.
Deletei'm lucky. when i feel annoyed / pissed i make sure the other person knows. maybe that's something you could work on, and broach the topic again later when neither one of u is pissed/angry anymore?
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, I totally get what you mean when you say you "hear"something else even tho they didn't actually say it.
it's happened to me enough times. *hugs*
I think it's more real and honest to show when you're mad or hurt. I've just never learned how to do it.
DeleteI'm sorry this happened PK,I too get hearing something different to what is actually said. I think Jan's idea of showing this to Nick is a good one and agree with Fondles too.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
Picturing your husband having a blog where he post his inner most feelings - and you rarely bothered reading it. Yeah, I can't imagine that either. Makes me feel he's not very interested in what I really think and feel.
DeleteAfter all these years you mean to tell me that Nick still hasn't learned to just read your mind? I just can't believe that. I'm glad I don't have that problem here. Adam ALWAYS knows what I'm thinking. I never have to tell him anything.
ReplyDeleteThat's what you've been doing these past two years - sharpening your sarcasm! Sooooo happy to know that you and Adam have it all figured out, LOL!
DeleteI am not good at discussing my feelings...I am getting better at it. I used to clam up and stayed quiet and seether and have conversations with myself. Master is not fond of that, so He suggested that when I felt we were not 'hearing' each other, that I send Him an email...within 12 hours of the 'event'. Now when Master suggest..it is really more that a suggestion, and I am better at writing than at speaking. It has helped a LOT...if I feel I have not been heard, or heard correctly...or if I have mis-heard Him ( yes it has been known to happen...there is an outlet. It starts withe email...and then we both talk calmly about it....usually.
ReplyDeletehugs abby
"I used to clam up and stayed quiet and seether and have conversations with myself." Me exactly! When we first began TTWD he used to insist on an email a week - for me to have an opportunity to tell him what was in my head. I needed that but I would never do it unless he insisted. He no longer insists.
DeleteGee where have I heard that lament before ...over and over and over. Oh yeah, in my head.
ReplyDeleteWhat can I say - it's sounds like an episode in a day in the life of Ray and Sunny. Same questions, same answers, same, same, same.
It does help that I'm not alone. Some out here have what seems to me perfect relationships. Probably have their problems too, but they seem perfect to me. I want to know it's not always perfect for everyone.
DeleteA big part of what ttwd has done for us is open the lines of communication. It hasn't always been easy and you really have to just go for it at times but in the end it's the best thing. Maybe talking to Nick will lead to a nice little reconnection spanking. Brewing over it never helps, try telling him.
ReplyDeleteI'm really over it - I'm used to letting things go. TTWD got us talking to when we first began, but it's not quite as good now as it used to be.
DeletePK,I read your post late last night but was too tired to write anything that would have made sense.
ReplyDeleteIt is comforting to hear that others have this happen, too. It is so easy to have one's feelings hurt with sarcasm.
I have never thought of emailing Sam when I feel that same way as you and will remember that. It certainly wouldn't hurt to have Nick hear again that you often think that spanking would really help you to look past these blips in marriage.
I always try to help Sam understand that for me, spanking is the best way for him to say "I love you." It is still hard for him to believe that.
Ella
I used to email Nick a lot, it's how we began TTWD. But that was when I felt like I knew what I wanted, I could explain things to him. I just don't know what to say anymore.
DeleteComplicated. Try saying you are going to be the spanker when he hurts your feelings. May turn things around quickly!
ReplyDeleteI think this happens to all of us! Not sure about being spanked when super angry. It sounds like it would satisfy both people. However recently in the midst of one of those huge angry moments my guy started to pull me over..... I resisted.... We were both way too angry. I'm thinking that for us it needs to be different. Spanking for cheek or reigning me in......ok....
Hope you feel better soon.....:)
I don't think I really want a spanking when we were both angry, but one later for not talking, or for distancing - that might be good.
DeleteMen can be a real pain. That behaviour would get me spanked in our house.
ReplyDeleteMaybe next time you are pissed off with a comment he made that hurts your feeling say something like - you really should be spanked for making a comment like that and see what happens.
Love,
Ronnie
xx
I like the idea in theory - but I'm not sure I could make myself say anything. I'm too used to going silent.
DeleteThat happened to me only last week. I can't even remember what Harry said now but I took it badly. I fretted for a while, then decided it wasn't worth bothering about and let it go. Really not the right way but it worked at the time. Doesn't help for the next time though.
ReplyDeleteRosie xx
Me exactly! Nothing he does is really a big deal, so much easier to let it go. But I wish we had a way to talk and become closer.
DeleteDo you live in our house?
ReplyDeleteDeena, I take it you understand.
DeleteI'm surprised how alike our men are PK and both of us. Bear is the sweetest man around, very rarely loses his temper and then on the odd occasion comes out with something which really hurts. I too clam up like you. Earlier in our marriage I tried writing Bear letters when this happened but he refuses to read them. He doesn't like the idea of putting thoughts into words as sometimes they are hurtful and that way can't be taken back. (If you know what I mean.) The written word is powerful.
ReplyDeleteSo I remain silent or cry like a big sook. Doesn't solve the problem though unfortunately as he tends to let me have my space.
So I'm not really able to offer advice, sorry.
Hope things are back to normal again now and the air has been cleared.
Hugs Lindy
I do so much better with the written word. Nick will read, but I haven't done it lately. The first letter I ever wrote him was before we were married and his comment after he read it was, "Why are you doing this to me." That stayed with me and still hurts, as if I was 'doing something' to him by wanting to share my thoughts. That always comes to me when people tell me I should talk to him.
DeleteThis could be completely a day in the life at our house. I wish we were both better at communicating and that we connected more...nothing you don't already know. You are not alone. hugs to you
ReplyDeleteAnd I really appreciate knowing that. May not help the situation, but it helps me.
DeleteSorry that that happened to you, PK. :( Unfortunately, our fellas are human too. The thing is, as you already know, and have heard, we have to let them know how we feel- even if it is hard.
ReplyDeleteI am petrified of distance, since that is the very thing that really came between us before ttwd. I do everything under my power to not distance- to the point that I will say something to Rob if he starts that action as well. Both of us are cognizant of that, so that is helpful.
My thoughts for you, in this case is this: I would have been hurt from the sarcasm, but also feel humiliated that my hubby chose to speak to me that way in front of our daughter. So, immediately following that, I would make myself say something like, "Honey, can I see you for a minute please?" It is hard to do it, but if you think of the alternative, it helps. The more that you do it, the easier it gets. Stay and nicely ask until he comes to you. Once you leave your daughter's presence, you can tell him that he hurt your feelings, and it made you upset- especially in front of Mollie. He's a good guy. See what he says. I am far from expert, but I won't distance. It has taken practice, but it works. Like anything, it gets easier and easier over time. Communication is hard, and I understand. It takes work, but I am finding it worth it in every way. I don't hesitate to say, "that hurt my feelings." What Nick did there, would have very much. Love you,
<3 Katie
I'm guessing this still happens. At our age we're not easily changed. I have been exactly the same way. I would NEVER speak up to anyone...until I married my husband. There have been timers I clammed up because I was hurt but then later I'd find out he never noticed! Then it would happen again. So, I just couldn't let it go.
ReplyDeleteWhat you told Minelle was good...that you don't want to be spanked when you're both angry, but one later for not talking or for distancing, that might be good. Could that be a "rule" you work on? It's certainly something you both would benefit from. Also, Katie had good advice. It's obviously one of the things that is hardest for you to do with Nick. Are you able to do it with Mollie and LJ? Nick loves you so much. You don't hesitate to say it. So he needs to know how much he can hurt you. But you have to tell him. Fight those little voices that tell you that he doesn't want to know. Email him even if he doesn't ask. Bite the bullet.... I feel so bad when you doubt that you can have it all.
Rosie Dee