The way it is

I know some of you want to hear what’s going on here. But I’m torn with what to post right now. This is my on line diary so I write for me, but I really like people to come by to read so I write for you too. Having people come by and read and comment is how I’ve learned as much about myself as I have over the years.

I have learned enough about writing so that I could spin the actual facts in a couple of different ways. I could make this a happy, up beat post about what happened Friday before last. Nick, at my request, had asked me to begin keeping a list like Katie’s.  Nothing too major on it, I kept forgetting some file folders Nick asked me to bring home from school, leaving my dish out on the counter when the dishwasher was empty right beneath it. That Friday he spent a little time clearing the list. He didn’t spank long, but it was impressive and fun – I could feel it for a while.  I could elaborate here and that could be the whole post. But that wouldn’t be honest about what’s going on in my world.

Over this last week and a half he has had me put a few things on the list, actually nothing in the past week – maybe about eight days ago. But despite the fact we’ve had plenty of time and opportunity nothing else happened. And now Mollie is home indefinitely, so…

I try to tell myself, ‘stop being impatient, let Nick lead, let him chose the timing.’ Fine, okay – only it seems that his time line is to ignore anything to do with spanking until I completely withdraw or post something extremely whiny here. Then he might read and sends me some interesting emails, spanks a little, get my hopes up, then nothing.

We began nine years ago with a great bond fire that eventually settled into a nice pleasant backyard fire pit fire. Then more recently it’s burned down to embers and it seems to be cooling fast. When I complain Nick bends down and briefly blows on the on the embers and then lets them die until I complain again. I feel at times like just pouring a bucket of water on the whole things and being done with it. And by 'it' I mean the spanking part of our lives - our love for each other and and our marriage is completely solid. 

When it come to my desire/need/longing for spanking and the closeness that come when we're really 'into' it, I don’t know the best way to live – hope followed by disappoint followed by hope…

Or accepting that it was worth a try but it’s never going to happen.

I’m not going to belabor this. I’m not going to fuss and complain here (for a while). I’ll talk about other things, but I wanted you to know what’s going on here.