I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Monday, January 27, 2014

Silence as a weapon

Our weekend had it’s up and downs. Friday was a good day, going into school late and coming home to a husband who soon had the lovely paddle I got from Blondie in his hand. I’d forgotten to write down my weight that morning. I’m supposed to do that. He reminded me with the new paddle. I’ll be telling more about the paddle soon.

Saturday was nice, cold enough to curl up by the fire and do some final edits on Cassie’s Tale and to work on the third book. Saturday night we went out with friend. It was right after we ate that something happened.

I said something and Nick rolled his eyes and laughed. Unfortunately, it was something important to me, and my feelings were really hurt. Taking the time to look back at it now, it was no big deal. I know he had not meant to hurt me at all. But I was caught off guard and it hurt.

So I went silent. I didn’t intend to use it as a weapon, I just didn’t know what else to do. I don’t mean completely silent – I answered direct question. But I just didn’t feel like engaging in small talk. So I shut him out. I could have told him that his actions had hurt my feeling, but I knew exactly what he would have said.

Do any of you remember the old movie ‘Yours, Mine and Ours’ with Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda? In the movie Fonda scoops up his hysterical thirteen-year-old daughter, not knowing what’s wrong and takes her to the doctor. The nurse, Lucille Ball, tells him she’ll be fine, she was only upset about ‘becoming a woman’.

Fonda responds by saying, “Is that all? Why didn’t she tell?”

“Because you would have said, ‘Is that all?’ Miss Ball answered.

That’s how I felt. He would have said it was no big deal (and he would have been right), but I didn’t want to hear him say it right then.

I had gone into my writing room and he finally come out and offered some playtime. I just couldn’t, I told him I was too full and just didn’t feel like it. All that was true, but of course I didn’t tell him the main reason.

After Nick went to bed, I sent him an email explaining why I’d gone so quiet earlier. I told him why it had upset me and I also told him I wasn’t upset any longer, once I’d had some time to go over it in my head, I did realize he was simply teasing and never meant to hurt me.

He answered the email much as I thought he would. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear, I still don’t think he understands why I was upset, but I also don’t think I could explain it to him. He did say that he never meant to hurt me and I do believe that.

He also told me that my giving him the ‘big chill’ had hurt his feelings. I didn’t want to do that either, but I know it happened. So I guess silence is a weapon. It’s not one I like, and I don’t ever what to hurt him. But sometimes I don’t know what else to do when I’m hurt, I don’t fight, I don’t yell or scream, I don’t throw things – I just take refuge in silence until I can resolve whatever it is in my mind. I try not to use it often.

To end on a happier note, we are fine now. And we had a wonderful Sunday afternoon. I’ll tell you all about it – and Blondie’s paddle – very soon.

I'm at Celeste Jones today, come by if you can.


  1. Oh dear PK, Are we over sensitive or are they insensitive? That is the question. I am glad that things are okay now. I am glad you enjoyed the paddle, me I have a round coming up later for overspending. He did warn me beforehand so .........................
    love Jan.xx

    1. "Are we over sensitive or are they insensitive?" Often I think it's both. Now did I use the word 'enjoy'? More soon.

  2. Silence or screaming at each other - neither are preferable, and yet the middle ground seems so small and hard to find, like a narrow strip.
    If you made up, perhaps don't dwell on it. It is when it festers on and on, you need look at other options.

    1. DF, I'm really good at letting things go. But it is a narrow strip and sometimes I just can't find it.

  3. PK,
    sometimes silence is a blessing.
    But I'm glad it is sorted.
    Love and warm hugs,

    1. Paul,
      Glad it over and glad I have my blog to help sort it out in my mind.

  4. Silence is not always golden....sometimes it is toxic. But i know how you feel, i have gone silent also. Glad it all worked out....looking forward to hearing about that paddle.
    hugs abby

    1. Abby,
      When something happens like this - fast, then I usually get over it fast. Sometimes I have a slow slide into mild depression, then the silence is longer.

  5. Happy you all are fine now! It happens.
    Sometimes I do that as well. If my Scotsman doesn't 'get it" I may just get so angry I can't talk. Then again sometimes I go on and on and on...so maybe it is situational for us. If they understand we can resolve it. Of course at times he may just give a swat (or a hug) to break the ice

    1. Minelle,
      I don't think Nick will ever tell you I've gone on and on when I've been angry. Good mood, I talk, bad mood silence.

  6. I think we've all done the silent thing at one time or another. I don't like it. Happy all's well now.

    Look forward to hearing about the paddle.


    1. Ronnie,
      I think silence happen whether we want them to or not.

  7. Both of us are guilty of using the "silence" - Ray holds on much longer than I. He doesn't like to fight so he reverts to silence. I would rather fight it out but now I do the same thing. He always tells me I can't let it go and he wants to wait until I've forgotten what it's about. lol

    1. Leigh,
      Maybe that the best part of getting older, we can't remember what we're fighting about.

  8. Mostly I'm a fighter, but since we started all this thing, I have found myself lapsing into the occasional "silence". Exactly as you describe. And the result is always the same. I feel guilty after thinking it through; and by then Dan is upset because he interprets silence as a fit of the sulks. Then I get extra strokes the next time I'm spanked, because he never forgets a "silence". But I tend to think of it as being "coldly polite". I never refuse to speak, but I do growl at him a bit.

    I am glad to hear things are okay now with you and Nick. I shall be interested to hear about the paddle, but am still in awe of all those of you who use them. I think I might be nervous. Blondie's paddles look a bit scary.

    Many hugs

    1. Ami,
      You have it exactly, I not sulking - coldly polite is more my style. And I don't even growl. Just yes, no or what ever the shortest answer might be.

  9. I am glad that you resolved the feelings. I do understand. I think this is the conflict Jim and I run into sometimes. Communication is hard. So is silence. It happens from time to time. I keep realizing we speak in different languages. I look forward to hearing about the paddle. Hugs to you!

    1. Terps,
      If we go just by the spoken work I SUCK at communication, give me a computer and I do alright.

  10. Anonymous3:21 PM

    PK, silence is needed to gather thoughts and feel what we feel. This with DD and silence .. I mean, DD wife can not scream, do not be quiet, without being punished. But, even wives in DD's people .. lol ..

    If your silence will help you gather your thoughts and help you comunicate better .. why would it be wrong?
    Look how nicely you managed it and was able to comunicate via email.
    Well, you might have found a way to help you communicate better.
    PK, please do not over analyze it.

    1. Mona,
      I know this has happened before and will again. I just like to check and make sure I'm not alone.

  11. Hey PK...happy things are better between you and Nick. My mother has always been a master of the 'silent treatment' and believe me, being on the receiving end of that is horrible! Normally, I am a fighter and want everything out in the open but if I can't figure out a way to explain, I will withdraw but will say...I'm upset, hurt, whatever the emotion but need to work through it before explaining. That does keep the situation from escalating.

    So happy the paddle is at your house...wood is not good but will be interested in hearing what you have to say! LOL

    Hugs and Blessings...

    1. Cat,
      I really don't do the 'silent Treatment'. I answer if he talks and if he really pushed, I'd talk about what's bothering me. But he's not one to push that and I'm glad.

      Paddle, yeah I need to talk about the paddle.

  12. Hi PK, I'm sorry you were hurt and so glad to hear things are now better between you. We have both been guilty of the silent treatment from time to time. As Mona said, sometimes we need to be silent in order to gather our thoughts and process.

    Interested to hear about the paddle :)


    1. Roz,
      I guess if the silence doesn't last but for a few hours it probably isn't the worst thing. Now I'll go write about that paddle.