I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Wednesday, April 07, 2010

How much is too much?

This is totally off topic (if we still have one) this is a mom post but I am always up for advice and suggestions. I remember a post I put up less than a month after I began blogging, in it I ask for help in dealing with my beloved son leaving home to go to college. And now – I can’t believe I’m saying this – he is graduating from college next month. He is so happy, so excited, so pumped to begin his life I just can’t be sad – worried, apprehensive, numb – I’m feeling all that, but not sad. I love seeing him this happy!

So by June he is headed to New York City, no job, no apartment, no real prospects, little money but plenty of hopes and dreams and confidence. Colin is going with him of course; they have been together for almost 7 years. He and Colin and two of LJ’s best friends from college (girls) are all planning to find an apartment together.

But now my question – how much help is too much? He’s my boy, I want to help him get started but I don’t want to cripple him with too much help because I’ve see that happen too. He needs a new computer because his is almost shot, he needs a good phone so I can get hold of him, he needs a safe place to live, he needs insurance, he needs clothes for auditions, he needs head shots, he needs food, he needs, he needs, he needs... I feel lucky that we can help him some but I have to restrain myself and give him the opportunity to make it on his own, lumps, bumps, bruises and all.

We have some money left from his college fund and we are giving him that but I know I have to restrain myself. He has chosen to try to be an actor in New York and I would think that that, at best, it means he’s going to be poor for a while, maybe a long while. But like I said – it’s his choice.

We did get him a new phone for graduation with all the bells and whistles. Yes it’s for him, but it’s for my peace of mind too. I told him we would keep him on our plan for up to 2 years then we would expect him to take over. I will either see about keeping him on my insurance or getting him a policy of his own because if something did happen we would be paying the bill anyway. Not going to let the boy lay in the street you know. Another option is that Colin works for Starbucks and if he can get transferred to a store in NYC they do allow same sex partners benefits, so that may be taken off of us.

But other than the phone and the insurance I am trying to show restraint. Hold me back folks, this is hard!!!


  1. Gosh, I wish we were closer - I'd love to do some headshots for him! I think it's awesome that you guys are so willing to help, and also that you're aware that there might be a "too much". Nick and I have been very blessed to have my parents help us with a number of things over the years, not the least of which was letting us borrow the down payment to buy our house! But were able to qualify for a home equity loan within a few years and pay it all back, and it was good to be able to satisfy that debt and feel like we were standing on our own again. Maybe you can get him a new computer for his birthday - is that any time soon? That way you can help with something he can't afford without him feeling like he owes you for it.


  2. PK, I believe that you and Nick are wise enough to do what is sensible, and LJ is mature enough to gently hint if he feels that you are pushing it.
    Not being a parent I don't have a leg to stand on, that's never stopped me before lol.
    The career he has chosen isn't the easiest to get started in, I hope that he has several strings to his bow, to help keep his head above water. I wish him all the luck in the world.
    Love and warm hugs,

  3. I think the phone and the insurance are good.

    Getting him things like the computer, for graduation or birthday or a holiday is a great idea. Frankly, a computer isn't needed when acting. He may have to go without certain things until he gets a job.....and that's all right. When we first started out we didn't have much either. I remember living off of mac and cheese and top ramen for a while.

    A card from Mom once in while with a few bucks slipped in will be much appreciate too!

    You will do what is best and Nick will be the voice of reason!

    Congrats on the GRADUATION!


  4. PK I let Michael tell me what he needs. And as he grows more and more independent he seems to need less and less. He has worked since he was 16 and paid for his own wants. But he would still ask mom to pay for haircuts and clothing. Now he doesn't even need me for haircuts and clothing anymore!

    But he does ask for help with things from time to time. I really don't think we can "ruin" them at this point. I'm certain LJ will only be grateful for any help you can give him.

    But until he becomes rich and famous, which I am certain won't be long, he might need a little help from mom and dad now and then.

    And in my opinion there is nothing wrong with that. My folks helped me. Like I said, I don't think you are going to turn him into to freeloading moocher at this point.

    You're a good mom!

    I can't believe they are all growing up.

    Love and Big Huggs!

  5. Tracy,
    My parents and my sister helped me buy my first house so and I was grateful too. It's a while until his birthday but it won't hurt him to wait for some of these things. Wish you were around for pictures too.

    You are always a voice of wisdom. LJ knows that he is going to have to take any job he can get at first. After that we'll see what happens.

    I think you are right that Nick will be the voice of reason in all this. I really thing struggling together could help he and Colin as a couple. But yeah we'll be here to help if we are really needed.

    And thanks for the congrats! Can you believe it's been four years?

    I hope you're right and that our boys are already stable and fine men now. I know LJ wants to make it on his own. That's why I won't push. But it will still be hard on me at times.

  6. PK, you and Nick are great parents and will do what's right. As long as he knows your there for him and not to be afraid to ask for help when he really needs it.

    Our son worked since he was 17 part time while at school and all through uni but the grant just wasn't enough and we had to help him out. We paid for tax and insurance on his car, gave him his deposit rental for his house he shared.
    Always gave him a large bag of food to take back whenever he came home and used to send him a card every now and then with a few pounds in.

    It's sure an exciting time for him, I'll be looking out for his name in a few years.


  7. PK: I wouldn't be surprised if it's harder on you than it is on him. For him, it's an exciting new adventure even though there will be tough times while you will be just worrying about him like any mother would. But you raised him so well that if he needs helps, I'm sure he will reach oiut to you.


  8. First of all, I can't believe it is graduation time already! How the heck does that happen anyway? :)

    I think, as a mom, you have to do what you think is best. A phone is good and if you can keep him on insurance that's great as well. I, like you, think that as graduates and grownups they need to find their way in the world. It is a very different world from when we all graduated some (3 weeks ago, right?) number of years ago. It is harder but still possible to figure it all out.

    Number One will be 30 this year and we still help out from time to time. Mostly little but sometimes its the Bank of Mom and Dad that gets tapped. Parents...what are we to do?

    Do not doubt, PK, that you will do right by your son and daughter as long as you live. It doesn't always cost $$$ either. That's the really good part! :)


    Debbie :)