I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Thursday, October 22, 2009

More thoughts

Nothing particularly earth shattering here today folks. I am not as down as I was about the job but only because this week I am able to ignore more. That comes and goes; one week I’m in tears and the next I say screw it, close the door and just do my job the way I am supposed to without all the interference . But although I’m not as upset as I was I don’t feel I’m back to myself.

I am letting my weight get away from me. I see myself doing it and yet I don’t stop. I snack more than I should. I eat unnecessary snacks. I mean one where I am not even hungry I’m just mad/sad/frustrated or something like that. I feel I ‘deserve’ a treat for putting up with all the crap at work. After I eat it I get so mad at myself but yet I turn around and do it again.

So where is Nick in all this? Well he’s here. But lately there has been little to no spanking. That’s not a complaint, just an observation. The last few weeks have been rough. He knows I’ve been so unhappy about work; I had a cold for a while. Extra stuff has been going on and we have had little time alone. When we have been alone I haven’t felt very sexy and I haven't felt like a spanko in my head. Would a spanking have helped, I don’t know. Would it help now? I honestly don’t know. I can say I have not been in the mood for a spanking – I just feel blank mostly.

Maybe I get mixed emotions about mixed spankings. I know mentally I need discipline spankings sometimes, at least on some level. Those are the spankings that make a spanko feel love and protected. But really the only time Nick spanks more that a short spur of the moment spanking is as foreplay to love making. Now I have NOTHING against spanking as foreplay – I mean for me it’s the stuff dreams are made of but when he combines the two it lessens the effect of either one. When the spanking is really just a sidebar or a prelude to sex I don’t feel he is serious about helping me maintain focus on the healthy lifestyle. And when he tells me I need to work harder and hit the gym while watching my eating habits, well that doesn’t make me feel sexy. Do you see why I want a separation of the two?

Nick has mastered the art of the erotic spanking; he is creative, thoughtful, romantic – the works! I couldn’t ask for more along those lines. But when he does feel a spanking is in order for anything else it’s usually just a quickie – no time to get my mind around the meaning behind it all. Mental is so important.

Once again these are just thought running through my head. I’m not really worried about these things, I’m not mad or annoyed and I don’t feel neglected. All is well if not exactly where I wish it was. I know how lucky I am. I have a place I can come and work all these things around in my head and mostly I’m lucky because I have Nick.


  1. PK,
    I believe the bad feelings will go away soon. For now, I think you just relax,don't always put pressure on yourself. Allow yourself to take a break,even being a "different" person,do whatever you want,eat whatever you like. Maybe it will be very hard to get rid of the weight you may gain,but the most important thing in life is to live happily and feel comfortable. You can limit the "break" to 1 day,several days or a week and stick to that limit (maybe you can ask Nick for help). Everyone,everything needs a break.
    Be happy!

  2. I am glad you have found a happy medium. You could always ask for a stress relief spanking,one that is not a punishment or a kinky one. One that is just for you, helping you get to a place to release all those pent up worries. I have asked for only two, and it was tough asking...but I am glad I did.

  3. I identify with the stress eating and the desire to separate discipline and erotic spankings. I like Katia's idea of stress relief spankings - you surely have enough stress to have earned one, or more! Would Nick be interested? Meow

  4. PK: Now that Nick has mastered the art of erotic spankings, it looks like you've both won half the battle.

    Now you have to hope he gets into the stres relief ones. When you were down and didn't feel like one, you might have been surprised that you found a stress relief one rewarding. At that point, I don't think you would have wanted to ask for one but if he'd taken charge and done it, it might have worked.

    But the bottom line is, as you said, you're lucky to have Nick. And good luck on dealing with all the school stress.


  5. PK, talk it over with Nick, I agree with Na don't pressurise yourself, give yourself a break.
    Erotic spankings are fun, punishments much less so.
    Love and warm hugs,

  6. Thanks Na,
    Maybe I do put pressure on myself too much, but it has seemed to me at times if I even take a weekend to eat as I want I can gain 5 pounds. It's unreal. Nick would help I just can't get in the mood to ask.

    I know I could ask and I feel sure he would be willing but right now I don't even want a spanking. Every time I start to feel a bit like me - work comes along and consumes my mind.

    I do know I need that separation but right now I don't know what I want.

    I am lucky and I am okay. I just wish I felt like spanking would help. This blank feeling isn't fun. It's just ... blank.

    I know Paul, you are both right but it's never been punishment I've craved. I really don't know how to explain what I want.

  7. The way you have been feeling will be radiating to Nick and he may feel you don't want to be spanked.

    It will pass PK, get some time and relax, have some me time, also try and have a talk with Nick.

    Don't stock fridge/cupboards with things you like. It works for me.