I wasn't expecting that

I asked Nick the question from my last post – What’s the worst thing I do, something that really pisses you off? Something you’d really like to spank heck out of me for?

As I suspected, he didn’t have a clue what I was talking about. He’s laid back and I really don’t do much to bother him. His answering email said in part,

Since you are almost perfect, of course, there is little to complain about. I will have to be more aware.  If you have something in mind you can ask how I feel about it.

I can’t fault him for not knowing since I’ve spent more than thirty-five years, on and off, hiding it from him. What is this horrible, despicable thing I do?

I pull away from him. I shut him out and live peacefully in my head for long stretches.

I don’t scream and yell, I don’t curse and throw things. I slip away so quietly and so undetected that I’m sure he rarely knows I’m doing it. I don’t pout, I don’t give him the silent treatment, but I rarely start conversations. I don’t even give him dirty looks or eye rolls. I just go way where nothing he says or does affects me. It’s the ‘sure, fine, whatever’ mode. This may not seem so horrible, but it can seriously damage a relationship.

Sometime I wish he noticed. Sometimes I wish he’d call me on it. Sometimes I wish he’d give me a hard, serious spanking to snap me out of it. And if he doesn’t think I’m truly ‘back’ when he’s finished, I wish he would spank me again. Sometimes.

Other time I’m glad he doesn’t notice.

Boy, I can hear Nick’s thoughts on this. “Let me get this straight, I don’t know when you’re even doing this, but I’m supposed to recognize when it happens – even though you’re giving me no hints at all. But if I think it’s happening I should bust your ass, unless it’s one of the times you really don’t want me to notice, and then I should just leave you alone. Is that about it?”

Well, yeah, sorta.

When I was writing this post, and got to this point, I went into true writing mode, meaning I was staring into space trying to formulate what I wanted to say, when something happened. In all these years, it had never happened before so I simply sat stunned listing to what I can only call a lecture from one of my best friends. Here’s what Cassie had to say.

~o~

Enjoy your husband. Pay attention, and enjoy your husband. Enjoy him when he is in a happy, loving, playful mood. Enjoy him when he’s tired and crabby and withdrawn. Enjoy him when he’s mowing, doing the laundry, and cooking. And enjoy him when he’s sitting beside you quietly watching TV or reading or even napping.

Enjoy him for who he is. You chose one another above all others in this world to share your lives together. And most importantly, after more than three decades you’re both still there. Do you know how many women would give their eye teeth to be in your place?  To have a man who truly loves you. A man you can trust completely and who is completely loyal to you. You’ve never had to worry about infidelity. You’ve never had to worry about drunken binges or abuse. You have a man who cares for you and will listen to you – if you will just talk to him.

Enjoy him when he’s annoying you. Enjoy him when he’s being inconsiderate or thoughtless. Enjoy him when he hurts your feelings or snaps at you for no reason. Enjoy him, but you don’t have to ignore these things. I’m telling you to be a wife, not a wimp. Tell him if he’s annoying you or being inconsiderate or thoughtless. Tell him if he hurts your feelings. What do you think is going to happen? You tell him these things and he gets mad and says, “That’s it, I’m leaving. Marriage over.” You know that’s stupid. So, you argue, big deal – you’ll both get over it.

Talk to the man! Tell him when you’re happy, tell him when you’re mad. Stop living in your head and enjoy this wonderful man you have. When you’re mad or hurt, you need to tell Nick and stop thinking in your head, “Well, Tom would have… or Tom wouldn’t have…” – because I know you do this sometimes. Remember, Tom is mine and only mine. No one else would put up with him. Trust me, you would hate being married to him. I have the occasionally dream of being able to do anything I want any time I want with no worry about the ivory brush. Everyone has ‘the grass is greener…’ feelings at times. But never stay there more than a minute or two.

You’re living on the fringe of your marriage, it’s like you’re scared to get involved.  You’ve chosen peace and harmony rather than fire and passion. Maybe try it the other way for a while. You don’t have any big problems in your marriage. Quit nursing the little ones and learn to enjoy what you have.

Enjoy your husband!

This was out of the blue. Cassie tells me her stories, but she’s always stayed out of my business. I know, I know, Cassie is just another part of me. So perhaps I was lecturing to myself, but it didn’t feel that way. Regardless, she wasn’t wrong. I think I’m going to try to take her advice. Hmm… taking Cassie’s advice on marriage, it should either bring Nick and me closer or I’m going to  get my ass spanked. Sounds like a win/win to me.

Fellows, I'm talking to you

I am fortunate to have many friends that email me. Many of these friends don’t have blogs and are in various stages of introducing spanking into their relationship, some successfully and others not so much. I know from experience that often vanillas just don’t understand and boy do I know that it is hard to explain it to someone you love. It took me over 23 years to even get up the nerve to try. It’s been almost 2 wonderful years now but I still struggle to get him to understand at time.

So I am writing a letter to your men if they haven’t gotten it yet. Now I know we don’t live in a one size fits all world but from all I’ve felt and all I’ve read this will ring true for many of us.

Dear guys,
After years of knowing that she has this need, your wife/girlfriend/lover finally told you she wants to be spanked. I am guessing that at best you were surprised especially if you have been together 20 years or more. You may think it’s a passing whim. You may think it is just a random fantasy that has run through her mind; something best left as a fantasy not something she would like in real life. Plus you love this woman and you have no desire to hurt her.

Then listen to me (because your girl may be too shy or embarrassed to say it again)!! This is NOT something that just came up! She has had probably had this need since childhood. Please trust your lover, if she says she wants to be spanked – SHE DOES!!!!!

Yes, she understands that this sounds strange to you. No, she does not understand why she is this way. Please stop trying to figure out why and just DO IT!!!! If you do I can almost promise you that your sex life will reach heights that you never imagined! Ours did!! I went from being fairly cold toward sex to someone will to try anything my husband or I can dream up!!!

It’s okay to start slow. I know you are not sure what she wants. You may even be embarrassed (but not as embarrassed as she was to ask). Start with your hand, a small paddle ball paddle or maybe a paint stirrer. From my experience and those of many of my friends, she will much more likely be wanting ‘longer’ and ‘harder’ spanking rather than asking you to be more gentle. Remember anyone from vanilla to hard core can always enjoy a romantic, erotic spanking. This may be all she wants.

~~~oo0oo~~~

If your wife/lover tells you she wants discipline that’s different. Discipline – that is a trickier subject. You will need to do more talking if this is something she wants. If the need for discipline in her life is ‘her thing’ it’s always going to be there whether you indulge it or not. If you are willing to try this, again – go slow. Pick a few things to work on together. I got my husband hooked by asking him to help me make the changes and choices to become healthier and lose weight.

It was rocky at first. I would mess up and he didn’t want to spank. He wanted to let it go or make excuses for me. I hated that and it hurt my feelings. I didn’t feel cared for or protected and I guess that is what we are looking for.

Although I know he did not mean to send this message this is the one I heard –

“Sure I care but not that much. You are a big girl. If you know you need to do something and you chose not to that is your business. You are on your own because I find all this confusing and you are just not worth the effort.”

Fellows, I like I said, I know this is not the message you are trying to send to the woman you love. But to the spanko mind this is what comes through. When my husband did start getting it and a couple of times spanked me hard with the hairbrush for over indulging and slacking off on my exercise, I got a whole other message.

“You are my wife. I love you, I love you way too much to allow you to run wild and put your health in jeopardy. I care enough about you to put some boundaries and guidelines around you to keep you safe. And yes I will wear you out if necessary to show you just how serious I am about my love for you.”

Nothing in my life has made me feel more loved, cherished, cared for or happy than for him to show his love for me in this way.

Alright fellows – I’m talking to you! If your wife or girlfriend handed you this or directed you here she agrees with me. Listen please!! She is serious! This is a very important part of her life. She loves you so much or she would never have shared her secret with you. If you love her enough to give it a try she will test you some to see if you will be consistent and take this seriously. It’s all part of the learning together. But it is worth it, I promise you – it’s worth it.
Email if you have questions, I may not have any answers for you but I would still like to hear what you are wondering about. elisspeaks@yahoo.com