Hope Springs Eternal

I’ve had an interesting few days. I need to write to understand it. Two days ago Nick sent the following email.

I know you want to lose weight in general, and you have said you were going to lose some before the wedding.  You have said you wanted encouragement and more.  You have said you needed specific rules or directives and consequences attached.  I was specific in telling you to exercise at least a half hour every evening last week.  If I am not wrong you blew off Thursday without even asking for permission.   Hopefully you are planning on getting off to a good start this week, since you didn’t lose the weight that I know you are capable of last week, you need to plan on exercising Mon thru Thurs. 

For now we need to meet on this topic.  I’ll give you a day to contemplate.  We will meet sometime tomorrow.

Love you.

To be honest I didn’t know what to think. We don’t do anything remotely dd for months and just when I convince myself to ‘let it go’ he does something like this, and the ray of hope that I’ve been trying to beat to death, flares up again.

I thought about it all day, half the time hopeful, half the time angry with Nick for getting my hopes up. My ‘self-talk’, which is usually sucky, was telling me, “Don’t get excited, he just want some fun and games. He’s not serious about this.” But I am an eternal optimist.

I got another text yesterday afternoon. It said:

You are hereby summoned to appear before today’s session of OTK court at 5:30

I love his teasing, but I so hoped he was serious about this. Just before 5:30 he told me court was in session. And I quickly realized something else – for a damn blogger, and author, I can’t talk for shit!

Nick: Did you read the charges?

Me: Yes.

Nick: Do you have a defense, anything to say?

(My thoughts: How did I know you were serious? You often suggest things but you never follow thorough with consequences. How was I to know you meant it this time? If you suggest things and there is never any follow through if I don’t do it, then I know you really aren’t serious, so I don’t listen. It’s hard to keep working on weight loss, it’s long and boring and slow. You don’t stay interested enough to spank me when I’m doing things to sabotage myself so why should I care.  But my answer was…)

Me: No.  (Boy, I’m a great conversationalist)

Nick: Then maybe we should move on to the sentencing.

I was almost in tears and I don’t know why. I was becoming really pissed with myself for not being able to talk! And I still didn’t really know if we were playing or serious. Thankfully, Nick got a call right then and I had a moment to think.

When he hung up:

Me: Yeah, about the charges. I didn’t know you were serious. I mean, I thought you were just making a suggestion or something.

Nick: I’m serious, you’re on BP medicine, and diabetes is a serious possibility.

There was more and we headed to the bedroom with me just barely thinking he as serious. There were pillow piled up on the bed. He gave me a good warm up, and a good hard spanking. You know I’ve never cried during a spanking, but as he started rubbing I was near tears. I did something I wasn’t expecting to do - I confessed something. Each week I record my weight. It doesn’t really matter if it goes up or down, Nick may mention it, but he rarely does anything other than a few swats. I’d gained, actually I’d gained a lot and for the first time I didn’t record the true weight. I put a much smaller gain.

Why? I knew he wouldn’t do anything and I’d be disappointed. But I told him. He was surprised. He said, “Well the spanking was going to be over, but now you have ten more and you’ll be counting and adding, ‘I deserve another’. Those were hard and they hurt, but I did feel better. And he thanked me for telling him.

After that I could talk a little more. I told him how much I needed his help with this. That for this – my health – I wanted him to be dominant. And I paraphrased something Bas had said to me, “You can’t be submissive if he’s not dominant and he can’t be dominant if you’re not submissive.” It’s a conundrum. I told Nick I didn’t want some 24/7 dd. I just wanted his backing for this.

We talked more about whether or not spanking was the best punishment for a die-hard spanko. I understand his confusion, but it does work for me. He just has to mean it, it can’t be some wimpy spanking, grab me for a few swats, it need to be serious. And I’m much more likely to listen to him, not because of the pain of the spanking, but because he took the time to spank me, to follow through. Confused yet?

He said something about spanking weekly – maybe maintenance, although he didn’t use that word. I told him I thought that would help. It was a good talk. I told him for me weight loss, whether or not it was exercising or eating right, was always easier with a sore bottom. He asked if it was sore then and I was honest – no. It’s never sore afterward, not really, not like I want it to be. He was surprised, but it’s true.

And then after all the talking and after my annoyance earlier in the day that he didn’t care a bit about the dd issue, and that all he was doing was wanting a sexy afternoon, I finally realized that wasn’t what he was after, he was serious about me listening to him about the healthier living. 

Then I realized I was the one who wanted it to end in sex. Nick actually balked a little, telling me that that wasn’t his plan. I told him I understood that and that I really appreciated it, but couldn’t he change his plans? I talked him into it. But he said that wouldn’t be what I could expect during these ‘sessions’.

It was a bit of a roller coaster afternoon, but I’m very happy for the way it went. We always have donuts at our Wednesday meeting at work. Sometimes I eat more than one. I don’t plan to have one today – Nick has suddenly made trying to lose interesting again. Even though he didn’t say it, in my head I’m saying, “Nick said no”, sooooo much easier than me trying to talk myself out of eating a donut.

As we headed out of the bedroom he asked, “What would your friends who don’t like the idea of punishment say about today?”

“That I should have you arrested. But I don’t think I will.”

The eternal optimist lives on.

Do you want to be punished?

I spend a lot of time thinking about TTWD, obviously, I’ve been writing about it for seven years. I know I often spend more time writing that I do participating. I read out here a lot too, and sometime I do more lurking than commenting. But I use all this information to try to better understand myself and what it is I want in a spanking relationship.

I read with interest what Bobbie, Bob’s better half, wrote about how a discipline spanking does not work for her and in fact makes her feel worse, although other forms of punishment don’t have that effect. I know Mona Lisa is most definitely against punishment. I find reading what they have to say to be extremely interesting. Heaven knows they make perfect sense, I would imagine most of the world agrees with them and I could easily write a post against physical punishment.

But if I did I wouldn’t be true to myself. I had the overwhelming blessing to grow up in a home full of love. I always felt it from both my parents. I was occasionally spanked – I hated it. More often I lost my TV privileges, I really hated that. As a child I behave pretty well and certainly never wanted or liked my parents disciplining me.

I also remember making up spanking stories as early as age five and by the time I hit puberty, all my fantasies involved spanking, and not just spanking – punishment. There, I said it. I fantasies about being punished. If others don’t understand that, it’s okay, it’s still my fantasy, my desire. And I don’t ever see it going away. It’s who I am and I have no desire to change.

In my head the idea of punishment, of someone taking the time to watch over you and discipline you if you aren’t taking care of yourself, is not only hot, it’s loving. Of course one reason I can easily say this is because I fear no punishment in my life. It’s not something Nick is comfortable with and it won’t ever happen except on the mildest of scales. It’s not that he doesn’t love and care for me, he’s just not comfortable in spanking seriously or doing any true discipline. And I no longer try to push him in that direction.

But I still envy those of you out here that have it in your lives for real. Cassie and Tom are a fantasy couple – I use them to satisfy my longings, although in real life I couldn’t take someone as controlling as Tom. But I do find myself jealous of Ronnie sometimes. She and P seem to have a wonderfully fun relationship which includes many wonderful erotic spankings – but there is that rare incidents when P is upset with Ronnie and a real spanking takes place to address his feelings. I find this very satisfying. Evidently she does too or she wouldn’t still be there.

We have all types of relationships here, they go from the mildest of fun spankings to collared slave. I kept my desire for spanking a secret for forty-nine years, then I found blogs and all of you out here and I felt so accepted. I was totally amazed. I don’t have any need or desire to hide my feelings out here, or to be ashamed of them in anyway.  In my thinking of TTWD, I am intrigued and drawn to the dynamics of discipline, including punishment.  If this isn’t something you desire, you have every right to put your foot down and say a loud and clear NO! But if you share this desire with me, don’t be ashamed and feel free to explore it. I know that for me, this desire isn’t going anywhere.

Please come by and read

I’m still working to get my new blog off the ground – I’m planning to be here for sure, but I hope you come by PK Corey’s Reading room today to check out Saturday Spanking snippets. I’m trying to let people know more about Cassie and Tom in general in the hope that they’ll want to read more.  Don’t forget to check back on Fantasy Friday this week, Sunny has a great story there.

Fantasy Friday - The Fishing Trip

It's Friday and I'm planning on being sitting pretty in the mountains sometime today. And usual friends here came through for me - Sunnygirl wrote a Fantasy Friday story for me and Daisy Christian has promised me another one too.  

Sunny's story today really appealed to me. I've seen so many couples in this exact place and stayed there. I really love this story! Happy Friday everyone, please enjoy...

The Fishing Trip

Brady walked in the back door to see Deanna bent over the arm of the couch and Neal spanking her jean clad bottom.  He tried to slip out unnoticed sparing the embarrassment of all but Neal called out to him to hang on he would be with him in a minute. Brady shouted back he would wait outside.  When Neal joined him outside, Brady wasn’t sure what so say.  Neal noticed his discomfort and said

 “What, you never spank Alexis?”

“No, I never have.  There have been many times that I thought a good bottom warming would do us both a world of good but I like waking up in the morning”

“You see, if you established your authority once in a while you wouldn’t have that problem.” Neal said as he chuckled.

Deanna came out and said hello to Brady and asked if they wanted some coffee.  She didn’t seem the least little bit embarrassed about having been spanked or him bearing witness to it.  Brady was more embarrassed than Deanna.  Neal remarked to Deanna that Brady had never spanked Alexis.  Deanna commented that, “it showed”.

“What do you mean by that?” he asked.

“Oh, just little things,” Deanna remarked and walked back in the kitchen.

“What the hell did she mean by that remark?”

“Brady, you have had to notice that there are times when Alexis is nothing but a spoiled brat.  When we were out a couple of weeks ago, she went into a temper tantrum and then a sniveling pout when we didn’t go to the restaurant she suggested.  She made the evening miserable for everyone.  Deana and I couldn’t wait for it to be over.”

“Yes, I remember that.  She was being petulant.”

Neal chuckled again, “Yes definitely petulant.”

Brady dropped the subject and he and Neal went on to talk about the fishing trip they were planning for the next weekend.  Their plan was to leave on Friday afternoon and get to the fishing camp that night, relax and then fish all day Saturday and Sunday morning, returning late Sunday afternoon. They had both been looking forward to and planning this trip for months.   

On Thursday, Brady began gathering his gear together.  Alexis asked him what he was doing. 

“Remember honey, this week is the fishing trip Neal and I have been planning”

“That’s not this weekend, it’s next weekend”.

“No, honey, it’s this weekend”

“Well then you are just going to have to cancel.  This weekend my parents are coming to visit and you have to be here.”

“I’m sorry but I am not canceling this trip.  We have been planning it for months and it has been marked on every calendar in this house.  Besides, you always have more fun with your folks when I am not around.  Your mom doesn’t like me much and all your dad does is watch sports on tv anyway”.

Actually he was glad he wouldn’t be around.  All Alexis and her folks did was bicker at each other.  Her mother was a real shrew and constantly belittled her dad and did nothing but bitch and complain about everything.  No wonder all the guy did was watch tv, that way he tuned out what was going on around him.  All of a sudden, his mind went back to the conversation he had with Neal the other day about Alexis being a brat.  ‘Lord, I hope Alexis doesn’t turn out like her mother.’  He realized that Alexis was still talking to him and he hadn’t heard a word.  She complained he didn’t care about her or her feelings; how insensitive he was and that he never did anything for her and on and on. He tuned her out not even hearing the part that if he went on this trip he would be one sorry husband.

Brady continued gathering his gear and loading it into the SUV.  Alexis had retired to their bedroom and when he was finished he went up to join her.  He found the door locked and when he tried to get in she told him his stuff was on the sofa and not to dare use the guest bedroom because it was made up for her folks and she didn’t want him messing it up.  He told her to be reasonable, he was going away for two days and he wanted to snuggle with his beautiful wife. 

“I don’t want to snuggle with you.  Maybe you could snuggle up with Neal tomorrow night.  After all, you seem to prefer his company to mine” she spit out at him.

“C’mon honey.  Be reasonable.”

“Don’t you dare call me honey.  I am not talking to you and you are not getting in this bedroom.”

He was really upset with her and knew this was not going to end nicely so the best thing he could do was just grab his stuff and head to the sofa.  He tossed and turned on that darn couch and every time he turned he thought about the conversation he had with Neal last weekend.  Maybe he had let Alexis get away with too much.  He didn’t like conflict and would always give in rather than fight.  He didn’t know how to fight.  Growing up in his household had been peaceful.  He was an only child and his folks just always seemed to get along.  He couldn’t ever remember hearing either of them yelling at each other.  That’s why it was such a shock to his system to see how Alexis’ parents acted.  It was the same with her sister.  Going to her sister’s house was always traumatic too and he was always glad to get home.  His mind kept turning everything over in his mind he finally fell asleep somewhere around 4 am.

He woke up to the smell of coffee and hoped that Alexis would be in a better frame of mind.  He hated the thought of going off for the weekend with bad feelings between them.  He went upstairs to take a shower and get dressed for work.  He noticed Alexis must have already showered and the bed was made.  He figured she was probably downstairs and was surprised when she wasn’t anywhere in the house.  He looked in the garage and saw her car was gone. 

Damn her, he thought.  If she thinks I’m going to give in and give up this fishing trip she has another thing coming.  I’m going and she can spew and carry on all she wants, I won’t be here to see or hear it.  He left her a note telling her to have a good time with her folks and he would see them on Sunday afternoon.

Brady picked up Neal that afternoon and they headed out to the fish camp.  It was just starting to get dark when they arrived.  They planned on unload their gear but decided to go down to the local fish shack for dinner first.  When they got back, Brady said he was beat because he hadn’t slept that well the night before.  Neal said he hadn’t gotten much sleep either and smirked. Brady couldn’t help but get the gist of that smile. They decided to wait until morning to unload the car.

Both Neal and Brady were up before the sun and anxious to get going.  Brady made the coffee while Neal started unloading the car.  When he was finished he came in and asked Brady where his fishing gear was.

“What do you mean, where’s my fishing gear. In the back with the rest of the stuff.”

“I don’t know what to tell you Buddy, but the car is empty and the only gear in there was mine”.

Brady scratched his head and then it struck him.  ‘Why that little witch.  No wonder she was up and out so early this morning.’  Brady told Neal about Alexis’ wanting him to cancel this weekend because of her folks and the argument they about it.  He said she must have removed his gear while he was still asleep this morning. 

Neal asked him what he was going to do about it.  He responded that nothing now but he was going to have a serious talk with her when he got back on Sunday.  He told Neal he wasn’t going to allow her to get her way.  He was pretty sure she figured he would return home if he didn’t have any gear but that wasn’t going to happen.  He told Neal to head on out to the lake and he would catch up with him later.  He planned on driving into town to the nearest Wal Mart and buy a fishing rod and reel and take the money out of Alexis’ allowance.  Neal just shook his head.

When he caught up with Neal, Brady was feeling much better.  They enjoyed the fishing and had caught enough to grill for dinner.  During dinner Brady asked Neal about the dynamic between him and Deanna. Neal said it started pretty early on in their marriage.  They had a huge fight and she started having a temper tantrum and he tried to calm her down.  When it didn’t work, he just pulled her over his knee and reddened her bottom.   She didn’t like it one bit and carried on something fierce but he just kept on spanking her until she settled down.  He was surprised she didn’t have more of a reaction afterward but when they talked about it she told him she was glad he had taken a stand. She told him she felt loved and protected.  He said he’s been spanking her behind ever since when she gets “too ornery or overwrought” as he put it.

“I’m telling you Brady it’s a godsend.  All I have to do is suggest a trip over my knee and Deanna settles down.  Not to mention, what it’s done for our sex life.  I can’t imagine how we would manage without it.  I’m not telling you how to run your marriage but if Deanna did to me what Alexis did to you, she would have her butt blistered and wouldn’t be sitting comfortably for a day or so.”

Brady thought about this conversation the rest of the weekend.  He decided he was going to take Neal’s advice.  What did he have to lose, he knew her behavior was getting worse and he needed to do something to get her attention.  When he got home Sunday afternoon, her parents were getting ready to leave.  His mother-in-law made some snide remark to him about the fishing trip.  He answered her respectfully enough but he had to bite his tongue in doing so.  His father-in-law asked him how the trip went and that he would enjoy doing that too but there was no way Emmaline would allow it.  Brady told him that maybe he should do what he wanted for a change. Emmaline sneered at him, grabbed  Harry and pulled him out the door.

He and Alexis waved good by and within ten second she was picking up where she left off on Thursday night.  He told her enough was enough and if she didn’t be quiet she would be sorry. 

“I don’t think so, big man.”

He never missed a beat.  He pulled her over to the couch and in one motion he had her dress up and her panties down.  He began spanking her behind with a vengeance.  He stopped long enough to lecture her about her behavior and the stunt she had pulled.  She hissed at him and then he really began letting her have it.  His hand hurt but he was not going to give in.  She was going to be sitting very gingerly by the time he was through.

When her behind was a beautiful shade of crimson, he stopped.  He just set her on her feet and told her to let that be a lesson to her.  He was not going to put up with her misbehavior anymore.  He told her he had no intention of their marriage turning into her parents’ marriage and from the looks of things that’s where they were headed.  He told her she could expect to be over his knee when he thought she deserved it and if she didn’t like it she better plan on changing or getting a divorce.

When he looked at her she was crying real tears and her body wracked with sobs.

“I don’t want a divorce.” she said.  “I don’t want to have a marriage like my parents either but I don’t know any better”

“You do now.” Brady told her and gathered her in his arms.

~o~

Sunny, thank you so much for your help this week. Great story. Daisy, I'm counting on you too. All right folks, I'm in the mountains relaxing and writing, I think you should be writing too. Write that story you've been thinking about and send it in for a Fantasy Friday. Send it to elisspeaks@yahoo.com