I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too. We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko. I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us. You must be 18 to view this site.
The world is such a noisy place. Loud, haranguing voices lecturing me to hustle, to improve, build, strive, yearn, acquire, compete, and grasp for more. For bigger and better. Sacrifice sleep for productivity. Strive for excellence. Go big or go home. Have a huge impact in the world. Make your life count.
But what if I just don’t have it in me. What if all the striving for excellence leaves me sad, worn out, depleted? Drained of joy. Am I simply not enough?
What if I never really amount to anything when I grow up—beyond mom and sister and wife? But these people in my primary circle of impact know they are loved and I would choose them again, given the choice. Can this be enough?
What if I never build an orphanage in Africa but send bags of groceries to people here and there and support a couple of kids through sponsorship? What if I just offer the small gifts I have to the world and let that be enough?
What if I don’t want to write a cookbook or build a six figure business or speak before thousands? But I write because I have something to say and I invest in a small community of women I care about and encourage them to love and care for themselves well. Because bigger isn’t always better and the individual matters. She is enough.
What if I just accept this mediocre body of mine that is neither big nor small? Just in between. And I embrace that I have no desire to work for rock hard abs or 18% body fat. And I make peace with it and decide that when I lie on my deathbed I will never regret having just been me. Take me or leave me.
What if I am a mediocre home manager who rarely dusts and mostly maintains order and makes real food but sometimes buys pizza and who is horrified at moments by the utter mess in some areas of her home? Who loves to menu plan and budget but then breaks her own rules and pushes back against rigidity. Who doesn’t care about decorating and fancy things. Whose home is humble but safe.
What if I am not cut out for the frantic pace of this society and cannot even begin to keep up? And see so many others with what appears to be boundless energy and stamina but know that I need tons of solitude and calm, an abundance of rest, and swaths of unscheduled time in order to be healthy. Body, spirit, soul healthy. Am I enough?
What if I am too religious for some and not spiritual enough for others? Non-evangelistic. Not bold enough. Yet willing to share in quiet ways, in genuine relationship, my deeply rooted faith. And my doubts and insecurities.
This will have to be enough.
And if I have been married 21 years and love my husband more today than yesterday but have never had a fairy tale romance and break the “experts” marriage rules about doing a ton of activities together and having a bunch in common. And we don’t. And we like time apart and time together. Is our marriage good enough?
What if I am a mom who delights in her kids but needs time for herself and sometimes just wants to be first and doesn’t like to play but who hugs and affirms and supports her kids in their passions? A mediocre mom who can never live up to her own expectations of good enough, let alone yours.
What if I embrace my limitations and stop railing against them? Make peace with who I am and what I need and honor your right to do the same. Accept that all I want is a small, slow, simple life. A mediocre life. A beautiful, quiet, gentle life.
We made it home from NYC safe and sound. I love seeing my
boy, who isn’t a boy any longer. Let me get my complaints out of the way first.
I feel like someone took a baseball bat to my legs, knees and feet. I better
hurry back to NY because I feel when I’m a little older I won’t be able to make
it. The subways are a great feature of NY and if you are with someone who knows
them, very efficient. But the steps getting to and from them are daunting. A
few have elevators and there are some escalators, but mostly there are steps. My knees aren't crazy about steps. Starting on our third set down in one location I told LJ I thought I saw a sign
reading, “Bowels of Hell.” He just laughed and said it seemed accurate.
Except for a few aches and pains the trip was great. With
all NYC has to offer, I was only going to see people, LJ and Collin top the
list, of course. This time there was a bonus. My niece lives there too and we
managed to connect for a quick lunch, we got in at noon and she was flying out
at six. She’s moving to Texas and she and her boyfriend were heading there to find
an apartment. This younger generation does move around.
We did see Beautiful and I loved every minute of it. It just
made my heart happy to hear the music I grew up with. LJ knew one of the cast
and we got to talk with him afterwards. I definitely recommend the play to
anyone heading that way.
We got to eat with three of LJ childhood friends who also
live in the city and I loved seeing them all grown up and with some impressive
jobs. One friend had her son with her – a delightful child! He’s four and played
quietly with his toys as we ate and visited. His mother never offered him her
cell phone and he never asked for it – he entertained himself with toys! I was impressed.
On the last night there we had dinner with LJ and Collin and
their dear friend, the girl who officiated at their wedding. We had a wonderful
time but I was truly dreading getting back to the hotel. The walk from the
subway to the restaurant was just under a mile and I wasn’t sure which train we
should take when we got there, though I have no doubt Nick knew, then a half
mile trek back to the hotel from that subway stop and I was tired!
We had talked about how much walking we’d done – I average
3,000 steps a day at home and on our second day there it was just under 20,000
steps. We saw LJ’s friend texting as we all came out of the restaurant to say
good-by. I was trying to get my bearing for heading to the subway when she told
us, “Don’t worry I just ordered you a car. It’ll be here in four minutes.” I
was so thankful. As we thanked her I asked if it was better to pay with cash or
a credit card. She answered, “It’s already paid for, including tip. All you
have to do is thank the driver and get out at your hotel.” We may hear people
gripe and make fun of millennials, but the ones I know are fantastic!
I learned, or at least remembered, some things on this trip.
I don’t like NYC. I don’t like the traffic, the confusion, the noise and mostly
the crowds! But I was also struck by
LJ’s complete joy in his adopted city. He loves every bit of it, he thrives
there and I’m so grateful he had the desire and the courage to make his dreams
come true. I love seeing my children happy. Just thought I’d add one shot of my two favorite men in the
world, Nick and LJ.
I hope everyone who celebrates Easter had a wonderful holiday
weekend. Ours was on the quiet side and for the first time in thirty years, the
Easter Bunny didn’t stop by. I suppose because there were no children here.
Mollie is on spring break and she took off with her teaching partner, her
partners two daughters and their grandmother for a girl’s trip to New York.
They will meet up with LJ and Collin at some point for a good visit and Mollie has a cousin there also so they are planning to go out one night. They saw
Wicked Saturday night and that seems to have been a hit with all ages.
Nick has this week off too so we planned to follow in Mollie’s
footsteps and head to the Big Apple ourselves. Mollie flies home Tuesday and we
fly up on Wednesday, causing Collin to ask, “Has there been a falling out that
we don’t know about?” We’re honestly not trying to avoid Mollie, it just worked
out this way.
At the moment, it seems that Mollie has taken all the warm
sunny weather for her trip and is leaving us with rain in the sixties – grrrrr…
but we’ll survive. LJ asked if there was a play we’d like to see and there was!
We now have tickets for ‘Beautiful’. I can’t wait, I grew up on Carole King’s
music and all who have seen this say it’s incredible.
I know this trip will be good for us, we haven’t been to see
the boys since their wedding in 2013, we’ve seen them, but they’ve come to us.
I’m not a traveler. I know that’s what retirement is supposed to be all about, but
I’m a home body. Should I ever be put on house arrest my first thought would be
‘Thank God!’. That doesn’t mean I haven’t loved every trip I’ve ever been on, I
have. But I’m a hermit at heart and I love my cave.
Don’t know if I’ll have my computer or not, but I’ll be around
here one way or another.
Cassie’s been with me for fifty years. Just as a companion.
She’s always eager to share her stories with me and I’m always eager to listen.
But lately, as we’ve gotten closer and closer to the same age, she is definitely
starting to meddle.
We’re going to a big family wedding the end of April. As it happened
it’s another gay wedding. My cousin’s son and his boyfriend are ready to tie
the knot. But unlike LJ and Collin’s wedding which was basically a wonderful
party in a bar, this wedding is going to be the wedding of the season with a large
rehearsal dinner, late afternoon wedding, dinner, dancing and an open bar.
If you’ve read here long you should know – I don’t do fancy.
I’ve worn one dress since August of 2003. I didn’t like it. Dresses also
require shoes – other than flip flops or tennis shoes. I don't like shoes. They hurt my feet and if they have any heel I'd probably kill myself. So I’ve been worrying
about what to wear to this upcoming wedding. Monday I headed out in search of a wedding outfit –
pants with a pretty blouse.
Then Cassie decided to stick her nose into my business. As I
was looking for some nice pants, she basically told me that ‘women of our age’
needed a dress or two. But I don’t like dresses I explained in my head. She gave me a look and said no
I ended up with two dresses and two pair of shoes.
Cassie has gotten me half way through her tenth book, but she
is going to have to stick to telling me stories and stay out of my wardrobe.
* I didn't know what Ronnie was posting today, but I find the timing amusing! Go by and see what she has to say about canes! Please know, I just love Ronnie. We’ve been friends for
years. I love reading about the way she and P live their lives. Their relationship has just about the perfect
balance of fun and discipline spankings. Why would I say my dear friend is
It’s her professed love of the f*ing cane!
I never even liked canes when I fantasied about this life
style. Once I experienced one in real life – thanks to my dear friend Ronnie sending me one, (thanks Ronnie) I
knew I’d been right in my disregard.
This comes up today because Nick used our damn cane (again
Ronnie, thanks) this Saturday and my
feelings for the cane are the same or possible more negatively. Really, Ronnie,
All right griping and complaining aside, used sparingly the
cane might actually be a deterrent for me if Nick would just be consistent. He
wants me to eat healthier, exercise more and in general be healthier. He’ll
make vague suggestion, “You ought to…”, “You should try…” and in a normal world
in a vanilla relationship that would be fine. I just wish that for once, about
one or two things in particular, he would be a bad ass and really lay down the law
and be consistent about enforcement. I
have no idea if it would work, but nothing else has and I would so like to give
it a try. Ronnie, I do love you dearly – despite your weird attraction
to this implicating of torture. But should ours ever break – by getting caught
in a door or some pruning shears or something, please don’t feel you have to replace
From Cat – asking everyone the
same question that was asked of me several years ago...What four people (and
their spouse/partner), living or dead, would you invite for an evening of
drinks and dinner?
Hands down I’d want my parents back for a dinner, and I’d want LJ and
Mollie there so I could show my folks how wonderfully they turned out. I think
I’d also invite two of my aunts who were very important to me growing up. They’ve
both been gone around thirty years. That’s one dinner.
My last two I’d like to meet and talk with would be Laura and Almanzo
Wilder. There are thousands of people I’d like to meet from the millions that
have been here, but with most I’d be too nervous and in awe of them to enjoy
myself. But with Laura, I’ve read so much about her life, both her books and
those writing about her. I’d love to tell her of life now and how things are
done. I’d love for her to know her books are still being read. I’d love to take
her to a grocery store, and for a plane ride and to schools and libraries. I
guess this would be a little ambitious for a dinner, but it would be so much
Lindy asked - PK if your Cassie books were made into a movie who would you
cast as the characters? Especially Cassie and Tom.
Cassie is easy as can be. In my mind she looks like Ellen Burstyn. Here
are a couple of picture that make me think of her.
Now Tom, that’s much harder. There is definitely some Tom Selleck in
there maybe a little Sam Elliott too – although Tom is clean shaven.
But this is
the picture I’ve found that looks the most like Tom. I don’t know who it is. If
you do, please tell me. But this is Cassie’s man.
If you'd like to see the whole cast - go here, and tell me what you think. Lindy's last questions was: What's the best part of TTWD you enjoy? That one's easy too. When we actually doing it, I most like the closeness it brings us. We actually look at one another more, we talk more, we smile across a crowd and know what the other is thinking. We make little jokes that no one else would get. We could be out and he brushed his hand lightly across my butt and I feel like I'm his. It's just that we don't really do TTWD very much and I wish we did.
could pick, which of your fictional husbands to have for a day--Tom, Steve, Andy
or Cal, which would you choose and why?
Baker questions was definitely one
of my favorites. Of course for real life I’m keeping Nick. Whether I’m
complaining a little about him or singing his praised, he’s the only man for
But for a day or two in a fantasy
world which of these fictional husbands would I choose. Hmm… very different
men. There are thing that attract me to each. They are all good men, but who
would I choose? No question about it.
I suppose because I know, I know how much he loves his wife. He
adores her, he wants to be with her. He wants to know what she’s doing, what
she’s thinking, he wants to talk with her. When they go out he watches over her,
they hold hands and he’s always aware of her.
If he tells her to do or not do
something, it’s because he honestly feels that best for her and he’s going to
back up what he’s said. She never has to wonder if she’s in trouble – if she
goes against Tom, she is.
I know I could not be married to
a man like Tom in real life. I'd probably feel smothered. And probably several of my friends would disagree
with my choice completely. But for a fantasy for a day or so, he’s my choice. For those of you who have read
about all these men, which would be your choice? I know we’d each choose our own
husband, but if you had to pick one for just a few fantasy days…