It's almost the 4th of July. I hope everyone over here has great plans for this weekend. Nick and I are headed off, but we're going next week to avoid the crowds. I have a rerun for you all this week, and it's from an old friend - Faerie. Faerie has been around much lately, real life does have it ways of keeping us busy, but I really miss her. Maybe she'll pop out and say hey when she has time. For now please enjoy...
THE DREAM… OR IS IT?
She walks into her home, hot, tired, sweaty, but oh so satisfied. The raised gardens are all planted and the pool is swimmable again. Thanks to her talented hubby her favorite swing is fixed. It had been a long winter, but summer was close. Next on the agenda: a nice hot shower, then dinner, a lovely end to a lovely day. Perfect, except for one thing, the thoughts intruding in her head.
Why can’t I find the off button she thought once again? She stripped off her dirty clothes and walked into the bathroom. Lately this life review she has been doing has become almost an obsession for her, keeping her awake at night, occupying her thoughts during the day. Then there’s the dream, coming almost nightly now, disturbing the little sleep she has been getting.
She knew why. It had been happening ever since she stopped the drinking. First she was dealing with the overwhelming emotions. She felt guilt for what she had done, the relationships she had ruined. She felt anger at herself for letting it happen. She hadn’t intended to become a drunk. She knew better, her father was an abusive drunk, she knew the toll it took on families.
She had allowed herself to wallow in those emotions for only a short period of time. Being a person of action, a “fixer” if you will, she set out to answer the question she felt would help her fix things. That question being, why? Why did this happen, why did she allow herself to drown in alcohol? Why wasn’t she happy? Thus, the life review began.
She thought about her growing up years and the abuse she endured. She knew this wasn’t the reason. She had told her husband everything very early on. He is the one who helped her heal, who held her when she had flashbacks, and who assured her no one would ever hurt her again. She believed him, and she healed. True to his word no one ever hurt her like that again.
She thought about the career she had spent thirty years building. Working in healthcare was the only thing she had ever wanted to do. It came as quite a surprise when she realized how badly burned out she was from it. That realization left her lost, she didn’t want to do it anymore. She had nothing left to give. But at 46, what does she want to do? That question remains unanswered. One she returns to time and again.
She thought about her husband of 25 years, and everything life has thrown at them. She thought of the births of their 2 kids and the deaths of many, many family members. Those deaths had left gaping holes in their lives. Thank God they had always had each other to lean on. She thought about the disease that almost took his life, how she dropped everything to be with him at the hospital 100 miles from their home. The surgery had not only saved his life, but gave him his health back. The guilt becomes acute now, he has always been there for her, loving her, supporting her in every way she needed. Could she really ask more of him? Is that fair to him? Is she brave enough to show him that piece of herself that she has uncovered in her search for answers? The one she’d heretofore not known existed?
You see, in her quest to find answers, she turned to the internet, she googled something that had dwelt in her always. She had to reestablish her connection with her husband. That was critical to her, if she couldn’t she doubted that she could go on. She needed him more then she needed the air she breathed, that she knew for sure.
What may you ask did she google? Spanking, yes spanking, it had always been a kink for her. Though the desire had been on a back burner for decades, forgotten, ignored. Sex had always been their way of connecting. Unlike most women she knew, she not only liked sex, she loved it. Sex had always been soul shattering between the two of them. Her drinking stole that. Her confidence was gone. She had to find it. She had to get it back, but how?
What she found on the internet was a community, a safe haven, a home. Here she felt, for the first time in her life, that she fit in. She lurked for months, never commenting as she didn’t feel she had anything to contribute. But, she read, and she learned, and finally she acknowledged that need in herself. That need, not just to be spanked, but the need to be submissive. It was actually easier than she thought to come to that realization.
He was definitely an alpha male, she had always known that. It was apparent from the beginning. It was one of the reasons she fell in love with him. She respected him so much, that quiet, inner strength that he possessed. She trusted him with her life. During this time of reading and learning and reflecting, she realized that in many ways she had always submitted to him. Little things really, like cooking the food he liked but she didn’t, always letting him drive, because he liked it that way, and so many more. Little things really, that she did or didn’t do over the years to make him happy, because she loved him. She’s just never had a name for it. Now she did. Could she embrace it? Would this make her happy?
She turned off the water and went into their bedroom, thinking about the e-mail she had sent him. Had he ever thought about a D/s relationship? Would he be willing to think about it? She had explained to him, in a general way, what she wanted to explore this with him. She knows hasn’t checked his e-mail yet, she was anxious every time he went to the computer. He doesn’t check his e-mail often, but it’s been a little over a week since she sent it.
She sat on their bed, drying herself, and working on detangling her long, wild hair. She needs to dress and start dinner. She’s so tired, maybe she will lie down, just for a minute and rest. She fell asleep almost immediately, and the dream began again.
She sits, waiting, on the edge of the bed, thoughts bombarding her fast to process. The thoughts bring the emotions. Loathing, for herself, disappointment in herself, how could she have jeopardized everything the way she did. Fear, but not of her husband or of the spanking she is going to get. She doesn’t know, doesn’t have the answer yet. He’ll help her find it, and then he will help her fix it again. This one thing that she swore she’d never do again. In all their talks, he never wanted this rule, she did. She needed it like an acrobat needs a safety net. Neither one ever thought she would need the net. But she wanted it. He’s her net. He will catch her before she falls. He will help her fix it.
He stands at the door, watching the emotion fly across her face. He knows her so well; she’s balanced right on the very edge. He has to hold on to her, pull her back from the edge before she falls. He will, because he loves her. Though he doesn’t completely understand, he knows she needs this. This thing they do.
He enters the room, sits on the bed next to her. He reaches for her wrist and pulls her gently over his knee. She seems so fragile, can he really do this? Yes, he can, he’ll for her, because she needs this. This thing they do.
“I’m so disappointed.”
That’s all he says, she starts to cry, and he starts to spank. Blow after blow rains down on her butt, warming it fast. She is so ashamed of her own behavior. She is disgusted with herself, she knows she hurt him, hurt them. She feels every swat as it connects with her flesh, no doubt reddening quickly. The cleansing of her soul begins.
She feels him caressing her, all over her body. Ah, she feels his hand between her legs. That feels so good. Wait, this isn’t how the dream usually goes. Suddenly she’s awake. He’s here with her in bed; he’s caressing her and smiling at her.
“I read your e-mail; I can definitely help you with that.” And then he leaned in for the most delicious kiss she can ever remember. They ordered take out several hours later, they ate in bed, talking, about themselves, their relationship, and this thing they were going to do.
Maybe dreams do come true.
This is what Faerie shared about herself back in 2011:
I just celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary; we're both in our mid forties and have 2 kids. My interest in spanking, like a lot of the readers has pretty much always existed. I would love to take this opportunity to say Hi and Thanks to all the bloggers. They obviously don't know me, but I feel like they are friends to me, and they have helped me more than I could say.
I remember feeling so much like this when I first started reading here. I guess truth be told I still feel this way. I feel like we're all friends and we talk to each other so that we all realize how normal we are. Next week we have a brand new story from a long time lurker - see it can be done. Send any stories you are willing to share with us to firstname.lastname@example.org