My husband loves me. He loves me. We love each other. We don’t
do everything together – we don’t have too many interest in common. We like
time to ourselves. We don’t argue, we’re both laid back. If a question come up
or there is a decision to be made, we discuss it and if either of us has a
strong opinion about it they will have the deciding vote. We’re comfortable
with one another. We can talk or be silent with one another. We have everything
we need and most of what we want.
Nick was even willing to try
what must have seemed like a strange request I made about eleven years ago.
Spanking was never on his radar. First off you don’t hit women. Second, this
was modern times. Men weren’t necessarily the ‘boss’ of the home. Marriage was
a 50/50 proposal. After all we’d lived this way for twenty-three years before I
suddenly sprang TTWD on him.
He tried, he’s always been
willing and that counts for so much, but he is not a spanko and as hard as he’s
tried he’ll never be one. After all this is my fantasy, not his. At some point
I realized I’d have to give up the fantasy to embrace the reality of the
wonderful man I have.
Just as I found out I wasn’t
the only spanko in this world when I found the blogs, I know I can’t be the
only one out here whose husband is happy with the 50/50 and has no desire to take
on the leadership role many of us fantasied about growing up.
Rules and consistency aren’t
important to Nick. I don’t expect spanking to stop in our marriage, but it will
always be a game. I have no doubt he’s serious about me getting a handle on my
health issues but we’re not going to achieve that through DD.
This might be why I don’t
read out here as much as I did at one time. When I began blogging I looked
everywhere for new blogs on my ‘topic’ and through that searching I found good
blogs to read and in many case I found friends, good friends, real friends, I
believe friends I’ll have for the rest of my life.
I enjoyed reading about
their spankings, the reasons – be they fun or serious always intrigued me. I
enjoyed being able to discuss the ideas that go with spanking, domestic
discipline, TTWD – whatever you want to call it, in depth with other women who
craved this as much as I did.
But recently I read two posts that made me think, Baker’sPost first, and then Meredith’s post. I didn’t comment on either. The way I felt
reminded me of how I felt when I was trying to get pregnant, with no success,
and I’d hear that another friend was pregnant – I was truly and sincerely happy
for them, but I just couldn’t comment. The joy I felt for them was too sharp a
contrast for the loss I felt for myself. They had something I wanted and I couldn't have it. And I just couldn't come up with anything to say.
After I read Baker and
Meredith I started answering some of the questions myself, but I stopped after three.
When
did my husband become a spanko?
He never did and I know it won’t happen. It’s the same as if he desperately
wanted me to change my eye color. As much as I love him, and as much as I’d
want to do it for him – I can’t.
When
did this go from something I wanted to something we both crave?
It never did. He enjoys the game and the closeness it’s brought us, as
do I. But he’ll never crave the lifestyle as I do.
When
did we slip into our roles of a traditional husband and wife?
Again, we never did. We’re equal and we’re happy with one another. But
I do my thing and he does his. You can’t give submission to someone who doesn’t
want it.
I realize parts of this post sound like a real downer – but I’m not
down. I have a wonderful marriage with the best man I know. He is the best
thing that ever happened to me and I love him. I’m sure we’ll still play and I
know I’ll enjoy it and I’ll still blog about it. But for my sanity and happiness I have to realize that it’s
play and not reality and not let myself get upset when the game falls by the wayside.
