I need to talk a little about spanking and what I need. Yes I am talking to Nick but here is where I can clear my thought and see if I am making sense to other spankos. Poor Nick, I think I rarely make sense to him, he is just good enough to go alone with my strangeness most of the time.
My fantasies always involved both erotic spankings and discipline. The erotic for obvious reasons and discipline in order to feel safe and loved. But Nick has never wanted to do discipline because he views it differently. We have had a partnership marriage that ran very smoothly for a long time. I think a lot of his questions are similar to those asked on Living Domestic Discipline, N and K’s blog. You can read their post here but I’m paraphrasing here from their post and from discussions between Nick and me.
Nick: You say you want discipline and I know often you do, but what happens when you don’t? What about when you are in a really pissy mood and I have no idea why. You don’t seem to want to talk and it seems you’re mad at me but I have no idea why. Now really – do I give you space, try to talk to you or grab you turn you over my knee and spank the truth/problem out of you?
I have to say these are good questions and if I am really, really honest my answer has to be ‘I don’t know’. It would be so easy to say “I want you to spank me so I know you are the one in charge and you are the one who will make me do right and I will feel safe and cared for.” This would be easy to say as I write this because that is what I always want in my fantasy. But in reality, if I have a horrible day, I’m stressed, overloaded with work and really angry about things in general, do I want Nick saying – “You are going to the gym tonight no matter what.”? Do I want him telling me what to eat and not eat or to tell me to put my laundry away NOW?
And again I come to the same answer – I don’t know. Part of me does want that. That part deep inside that wants to be submissive to a strong man, that part that nearly all the women of my generation have fought to suppress their entire lives. Just as I think men have fought their natural dominate feeling so as not to be thought of as a chauvinist or a bully. It all still confuses me and I know the answer won’t fall in my lap today.
Nick is not comfortable with the thought that he has the right to ‘discipline’ me. I think for him it puts him into somewhat of a parenting frame of mind that, of course, neither of us want. But we have discussed that even if he did use discipline there wouldn’t be much reason to. We rarely disagree – not on money, the kids, household responsibilities, and I have never yelled or cussed him in anger in our lives. If we did discipline it would have to almost be made up reasons. And that wouldn’t feel real to me. Pretend discipline doesn’t get it. I don’t mean to say I don’t do tons of things that annoy him, it’s just that we are both so laid back that we don’t sweat the small stuff and Nick sees my shortcomings as ‘small stuff’, bless his heart.
He has only really used discipline twice – at least where I felt it was real. Once I lied to him about going to the gym – I had confessed because I felt guilty. And the other time was when I called myself a ‘piece of shit’. He really didn’t like that and I really didn’t like what followed! But I did feel loved that he picked that as one of the few things he wouldn’t tolerate.
So what we do leaves me much happier than I ever was before I came out to him but still needing … more.
I am looking for that middle ground where I am getting the feelings that I think being dominated would bring me – safety, security, protection, and love, while Nick would not feel uncomfortable being my ‘boss’ and feeling like he is expected to monitor my every move and feel like a bully telling me what to do.
So where does that leave us? More thoughts tomorrow.