Nick and I did talk about my ‘thinking posts’ that you can read here and here. The best thing about them was that I wrote them when I was in a good mood, and not in one of my sad times. They both really explored how I feel at times but not all the time. I really am an optimist. I do know Nick loves me, cares for me, wants to protect me, finds me desirable…the works. I even know this when little gremlins sneak in and try to make me doubt I still know it’s true. But I still needed to get those thoughts off my chest.
I had him read both post before I put them up. We sat with our feet dangling in the pool and talked about them a little. He was in a teasing mood. Our conversation went something like this.
Nick: So sometimes you really want me to tell you what to do? And spank you if don’t do it.
Nick: But you said your cousin’s husband was mean for not letting her go on the cruise she wanted to go on with her sister.
Me: Well he was just being too controlling and hateful.
Nick: But in your head you admit Tom wouldn’t have let Cassie go?
Me: Well no, probably not. But Cousin’s husband is just being a jerk.
Nick: So there are some things you want me to boss you about and some things I should just let you do what you want?
Me: Of course.
Nick: And I’m supposed to figure out when you want me to tell you what to do and when I am supposed to let you do anything you want?
Me: Now you’re getting it!
Nick: So in each situation I am supposed to read your mind and know whether I am to tell you to do or not do something and know when to spank or not spank all by reading your mind? Right?
Me: Exactly!! I knew you’d get it!!
Nick: You’re right, you do need a spanking!
LOL! And bless his heart. He tries to understand me really he does. And to his credit I did get three spankings within the next 18 hours!
I had sent him another email after he got to read my posts. I got to thinking about some things. I am frequently telling Nick want I need and want. What I need to feel happy and what helps me to feel sexual satisfied. But I don’t spend much time asking him what he needs to be happy. Was there something more I could do for him in bed? So I asked. Along with several suggestions of things I thought he might like.
I think he really appreciated me asking – he said that just getting the email itself was pretty hot. And we will have more exploring to do along those lines!! But there were a couple of things he said in his reply that got me thinking. He explained his concerns with discipline like this:
One of the difficulties in making any effort to be a disciplinarian is it seems to require a presumption of superiority (smarter, wiser, etc) or higher status (parent, teacher, judge, husband?)
Now whether you or I agree with this or not I do understand his hesitation. In the email he went on to say:
To attempt to achieve any level of what you want (or think you want) will take more concentration on my part…continue to bear with me.
Go to the gym 4 days per week (before noon unless agreed on otherwise)
Only 1 snack pack per day (no snacks in recliner except occasional small portion of after dinner dessert)
No snacks/desserts after 9:00 .
These are certainly rules I can easily live with. And I appreciate the thought. Since he is starting a new job tomorrow, I know he will have a ton of things on his mind and I will do my best not to bug him. But once he gets settles in I hope he will re-read those emails and take the time for those motivational spankings when ever we can squeeze them in. And Nick honey if you do, no 10 little light love taps either (that’s like kissing your sister) to truly be motivational I have to be able to feel them for a little while at least! Remember any job worth doing is worth doing well!
There was one more thing Nick mentioned that I thought was worth noting. As I’ve said I have repeatedly ask Nick to spank more and it often seems he just ignores the request. He pointed out something to me that he has asked for on several occasions that I don’t do. And in a way they are very connected.
Nick would like me to initiate sex more often, or at least some touchy/feely play. Prior to spanking I never initiated sex and often was not very receptive to his overtures. Now this has change. I’m mostly receptive now to any advance he makes but I still don’t initiate like he would like me to. Part of that is because sexually I am mostly submissive but there is also a catch here.
When Nick is not spanking me regularly (at least a few times a week) I don’t feel sexy, I can even get standoffish. I don’t feel desirable and so I don’t feel like initiating sex. When I never initiate sex and get standoffish Nick usually feel I am not in the mood for a spanking and he backs off. See our dilemma? It’s not that we are holding out on each other it’s just that – each of us – forget to do our part sometimes.
So now we both have something to work on. I’m going to jump his bones more often and hopefully that will remind him to warm my rear more often.
And one last thing and I think this is very important. I did learn something from your comments on those two posts. You all helped me realize that the most serious thing I do, the thing I do that can damage our relationship, is to shut Nick out when I am upset. Not letting him know when my feelings have been hurt, when I’m feeling ignored or uncared for or just that I’m feeling sad and I don’t know why. Maybe that is the time I need him and to give me a good firm spanking – went I get quiet and withdrawn and will barely talk to him. I know this will be hard for him. Its one thing to come after your wife with a backscratcher and mostly with a laugh say ‘You didn’t get your laundry put away’.
It’s quite another thing to take the woman you love when you know she is mad or sad or pissed or what ever and tell her to go to the bedroom and wait on you. Or take her arm and lead her, put her over your knee and give her a real, no nonsense, serious spanking. Not for a minute or two but enough time to let her break down some of those barriers. And at that time I wouldn't want sex afterwards, but instead I would just like to be held and feel valued. I guess this is really what I have wanted to know all along, is he willing to be firm enough to bring me back to myself when I get in those moods.
Will I be in the 'mood' to submit at that time, when I am angry or sad? Probably not - but I am writing this and I know if he thinks that situation were to warrant it I would not fight him. I think blogging is a good thing. I think writing this just showed me something very important that I hadn't realized until now.