I really want to thank everyone who commented yesterday. Your comments helped me realize a few things. Nick and I have done some talking to and I am feeling great about things. I'll let you know more about our talk in my Sunday post. Tomorrow we have a brand new Fantasy Friday from a new writer, so don't forget to come by!
But here is the rest of my mind wanderings ...
I have been struggling on and off with depression for several months now. I hesitate to even say that because it is not severe. I know many peoples who truly suffer with serious depression and by comparison I feel like I am whining over my little problems. But anyway I feel like sadness, the blues or what ever its called is hovering near me just waiting for the opportunity to sneak in some small crack in my normal happy life and throw it’s blanket over me.
When I first came out to Nick I think the only word that could have been used to describe me was ‘joyful’. I couldn’t remember a time in my life (other than giving birth) that had made me any happier. I was one big grin and people noticed! Co-workers, friends and even my family wanted to know what my secret was – I didn’t tell! I was meeting wonderful like-minded people on the internet. Nick and I couldn’t keep our hands off one another and we were connected emotionally in a way I had never dreamed we would be.
Now I’m a grown up and a realist. I know about honeymoon periods and I knew the giddiness wouldn’t last (although it did for a long time) but giddiness or not I never want to lose the real and tangible improvements we made in our relationship.
So lately I have given great thought to these waves of sadness and tried to see what triggered them and what seemed to help push them away. It comes back to – spanking (sorry to sound like a broken record Nick).
When it comes to erotic spanking we do fantastic! We have had some afternoons to remember. I see these as lavish banquets where we indulge in anything and everything we can even imagine. I truly could not ask for, or even imagine, anything to top these afternoons.
But no matter how wonderful these are I can’t live on the occasional banquet. I need daily nourishment. I need Nick to spank often. I now know that these feeling of sadness come over me when we go for weeks with out any spanking or even discussing spanking. The feelings creep up on me (even though my brain tells me they’re wrong) the feeling that he doesn’t care anymore, the feeling that this is just a game to him, the feeling he’s bored with me, the feeling he’s bored with the idea of spanking and worse, the feeling that everything will go back to the way things used to be.
So many our here say if you want him to spank you - TELL HIM!! I do, I have, I feel like the blog itself has been a three year long request for him to spank more. But sometime you just can’t bring yourself to keep asking. It’s like asking for a kiss. Nothing wrong with that – but if it starts feeling like the only time you are kissed is if you ask for one, well that’s just not what you want. You want him to want to kiss you, to think of kissing you without you asking, maybe send you an email saying he can’t wait to get the chance to kiss you and you don’t want the only time he kisses you to be during lovemaking. Yeah, I often feel both greedy and needy.
My diet – the hook I used to interest Nick in spanking for real – is all tied up in this. For two years I was focused and interested in the diet, wondering whether or not Nick was really into it, if he would hold me accountable, if he would put a few rules and guidelines into play and back them up. His interest kept me interested.
Everyone says “If you are going to diet or get on some plan to change to a healthier life style you have to do it for yourself. You can’t do it for someone else.” Basically I think that’s true. But that has not really worked for me. I knew for 20 years I needed to lose weight and change my habits for myself – but I never did it. It wasn’t until Nick got involved that I suddenly had a reason to do it.
Now I feel like I’m drifting. I’m bored with the healthy lifestyle goal. Sometimes I gain sometimes I lose, Nick may spank or he may not. I sometimes blow off the gym and he might say something or he might not. I have let soft drinks slip back into my diet he may ask about them but he doesn’t tell me to stop.
I need his help, his interest, his consistency! I know the weight is my problem and not his but he is my husband and I need his help. I need him to help keep my interest. That might be the occasional new rule, a specific goal, and motivation!!! Since he is uncomfortable with discipline let’s change the word – let’s do motivation spanking! I think that would surely help get my focus back. I feel dull now. I stand in front of a candy or soda machine and think, “Why the hell not. Who gives a shit if I gain? I don’t care anymore”. But when we are spanking regularly I have a much more up-beat attitude. I can pass these things up for him. I can do it because he has told me – not ask – but told me NO! I don’t know why my mind works like this but I know it does.
Nick has no idea the power I am willing to give him. When he told me “No snacking in your chair” I stopped. But now that he never says anything, I do snack there some. If he said ‘No regular soft drinks.’ for a certain amount of time, I’d stop. If he said “you probably should cut back of soft drinks” in my mind I’d just say to myself, “Yeah there are a lot of things I should do” and ignore the suggestion. On diet topics I want him to be forceful. And if I don’t live up to what he expects me to do, perhaps he could ‘motivate’ me in our own special OTK way.
For this I would really like him to think outside the box. Keep me on my toes. Interest me!!!! He’ll be starting work soon and I don’t want this to be a burden on him. But any morning I could use a few dozen ‘reminders’ not to go overboard on snacking that day, or to be sure to go to the gym, or to pass up desert if I am eating out with a friend. Mollie’s asleep at that time and it wouldn’t take long.
Or when he gets home from work and we find ourselves in the kitchen he might ask if I have followed all my rules today or gone to the gym or what ever. There are plenty of wonderful unused kitchen utensils handy. Whether I’ve been good or bad I’m sure I could use motivation for the next day. I would love to be spanked before we go out to eat with friends or things like that. It would make me feel thought about, and cared about. It can all be done in fun – he doesn’t have to be a drill sergeant but I really think this kind of thing would help me – and yes, I know we still need to work around Mollie but she does nap a lot, and baby-sits a lot. We could work it out I’m sure!
Does this put the burden of me losing weight and getting healthier on Nick? Is he responsible for keeping me from getting depressed? Of course not completely, but yeah some. I know the connection I get from the attention of regular spankings keeps me emotionally connected to Nick. This keeps me pretty happy. And as for the weight, well if I can go to the gym, cut back on the amount I eat and give up some of my favorite junk food for the most part – then I don’t think asking him to give a 30 second spanking several times a week is asking too much. He and I both know the benefits of this life style and I think we both know it’s worth it.