Monday, January 19, 2009
You need to know this...
What a mess we have had in blogland these last few day. I have never wanted hard feelings out here and I hope everyone is calming down. But there is one more secret that needs to come out and it’s my secret so it is my place to tell it. Several people found out back in November and with great integrity they chose to discuss it with me privately and let me handle things the way I felt best. To these people I give my thanks. I chose at this time to explain what I did and why. Here is my story…
I have blogged about something I did as a child. Around the age of 9 or 10 I began creating another family in my mind. I can’t begin to describe how detailed this family was. They lived in my mind as true and real as anyone I know. These people have been with me a long time. And I spent countless hours creating them and their world. I knew their story since birth. I knew their likes and dislikes, how they looked, dressed, thought. Just as an author would create characters a book, they each sprang from my head. But also as authors have explained the characters soon began to take over and create their own stories. And you must remember they have had over 40 uninterrupted years in which to do this. One character was my particular favorite. She lived and breathed in my mind – she was everything, everything I wanted to be. I spent my life with these people.
When I found blogs in real life I knew zero about them. I found Bonnie and through her others. I read and read I couldn’t believe what I had found women like myself who understood my desire. I really didn’t know if it was all true or just stuff made up. I knew people used fake names and changed details about themselves and that that was the norm but mostly I was just dying to be a part of it. I was hungry to talk to people whether they were real or not. I knew everything was anonymous.
I wanted to be a part but I had nothing. I couldn’t join in the conversation. I had no stories, I had never been spanked, and I was never planning to tell my husband about my desire. So I was out in the cold looking in. But then it came to me, I didn’t have any stories but she did. She had a life time of stories. It was all anonymous, what could possible be the harm? Wasn’t most of this all make believe anyway? Or so I thought. I gave her permission and my life long friend – Cassie – lived and breathed.
I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea, no hint of an idea of what I was starting. I had no idea friendships, real friendships could come from just writing stories on the internet. I knew I was deceiving people but I never believed that I was, or could, ever hurt anyone with what I was doing. I was writing about a fun loving, interesting women on the internet – how could that hurt anyone.
Soon I learned more about the internet – I learned there were real people out here. And through them I got the courage to come out to my husband and then I was stuck. I wanted to talk and be the real me. So I created New Beginning and Elis/PK and that has been about who I really am.
But I loved Cassie. I may have created her but I love her. I enjoyed being her so much – I had wanted to be her all my life. ALL my life. And I couldn’t stop. I was as addicted to being Cassie as a cocaine addict is to their drug. Every time I tried to stop I was drawn back, I couldn’t quit. I rationalized it. I knew I was deceiving friends – lying to them. But I made it alright in my mind by being sure Cassie was kind and supportive to everyone. I thought – wrongly – that if she was a true supportive friend to all who commented or wrote then it would be okay. It wasn’t okay. It was dead wrong and I can promise you that I feel like the piece of shit I truly am. But one thing I will tell you everything I ever had Cassie say about or to any of her friends was true. If Cassie ever told you she was praying for you – you were prayed for.
Once I decided to let her live I went all the way. In my mind she was totally separate from me. I found out how true that was when Tiggr stopped blogging and disappeared. When I first read that she was leaving blogging my first reaction was ‘Okay, whatever.’ But as Cassie came into my mind I started crying. As Cassie I was devastated at her loss. I think that was the first time I scared myself – was I one person or two? The emotions of my two selves were so different I was frightened.
So I kept up the deception. I talk to my friends as PK and as Cassie. Yes I even talked to my friends about Cassie. I told no one. No one. Not ever the people I loved the most – CeeCi, Grace, Mthc and David and even Eva, the best friend I have ever had in my life. Nick did not know either – my husband who I have finally gotten so close to. But a secret is only a secret if you tell no one. I told no one, and I just let Cassie be as real out here as she was in my head. She had friends who never spoke to PK and she answered all her emails. In each one I tried, through her, to make everyone that ever wrote her feel better. I could say things as Cassie that PK couldn’t say. I am sorry I am rambling I just want you to understand what can’t be understood.
The truth – I have lied to many people, I did not intend to hurt anyone but I have hurt many. I know I will lose friends. What will happen now – I don’t know. I took Cassie private and only allowed a very few in that asked to read the archives.
So often I was just going to get rid of Cassie. Some how, some way but I kept convincing myself that that would hurt people too. This was never meant as deceit, it never started that way and as either person I only tried to be a friend. Maybe no one cares that much about a little spanking blog but some might. I'm just so very sorry.
So now you all know just why I have been so sympathetic to Paul. When I say I understand what he did and why he did it and what he is going through now – I mean it. What will happen to this blog? I don’t really know. I care about everyone who has ever read my words whether as PK or Cassie. I am sorry for the deception.
I knew that putting up the last post and coming to Paul's defense would probably bring all this out. But Paul was worth it. He was worth every bit of it.
For those who have been so supportive since you found out months ago - Grace and Bossman, CeeCi and Mr. Smith, Mthc and David, Paul, Eva and Adam, and of course Nick - your love, loyalty and support mean more to me that I can ever, ever tell you. I love you all.