Reassessing

I have really been enjoying some of the new blogs out here – some totally new, some just new to me. I love to see how many different way spanking relationships begin and develop. It’s interesting to see what we want or what we think we want.

I know what I thought I wanted at first is not exactly what I want now. I wanted Nick to take charge, I wanted him tell me what to do, be firm and discipline me if he needed to. But that wasn’t really what happened and at first I was sometimes hurt and disappointed that he made no rules or demands of me.

Over these two and a half years I have realized some things. Most of the things that many women say they are punished for just don’t happen at our house. I have teased that I am perfect and that is why I am seldom punished and while that is not exactly true we really do not have any serious issues. We agree on how to spend our money; we agree on child rearing. We were both raised by gentle loving parents who treated each other and their children with respect so we have always treated each other that way, no screaming, yelling or snotty comments. So although I am a lousy house keeper and have dozens of traits or bad habits Nick could complain about that’s not his way.

So I have looked deeper. What did I really want? What was I craving? When I said I wanted him to punish or discipline me what was I looking for? In my mind the fantasy of an angry husband grabbing and spanking me was really tapped a deeper want/need. I wanted to feel he cared. I wanted to feel I was worth the effort. I wanted to know that if I was doing something stupid or harmful to me or our relationship the he wouldn’t just shrug and say ‘whatever’. I wanted him to confront me and demand a change in actions or attitude that would correct the situation.

So what has happened over these two and a half years? He has really stepped up to help me with the weight. He knew that this was – or soon would be – effecting my health. There were a few hard spankings over that time. But he also did it his way. When he knew I had worked hard and had done as I should have he sometimes didn’t spank. While I sometimes found this frustrating he was really making sense. He is still right their watching my weight and I have no doubt that if I start skipping the gym and snacking to excess I will find the business end of a hairbrush on my end very quickly!

But it has been in other ways that he has truly let me know he cares. Insisting I write him each week has meant more to me that anything I could imagine. For those of you that don’t know about this I have a weekly assignment. He wants to know what I am thinking and feeling. Sometimes it funny and sexy, sometimes I lament that I life is too rushed for good sex and fun spankings; and a few times I have been overwhelmed by sadness so that I could hardly function. But he wants to know – do you know how much that means to me, that no matter what I am feeling he really wants to know? And yes I have been spanked a time or two for skipping a week!

By accepting my kink – really as soon as I told him – our sex life really took on a new life. He is so good to me both with spanking and other types of foreplay to make sure I get everything I women could want from a love making session. He know that ‘discipline’ is still something I desire so he throws in a few laundry rules and some mock discipline because he know that’s what I want.

But sometimes it is the smallest things he does that it have really started noticing lately. We each take a cup of water to bed. For 23 years he went and got his when he went to bed and I went and got mine when I went to bed. Now he picks them both up – a little thing but he does it for me. There is a particular type of bread I love that we can’t get in town. When he goes to the next town over he stops to look for it. He hugs me as I go out the door for the gym and tell me he is proud of me for going. He drapes himself around me each night when I climb in bed to warm me up. And the vitamins – he wants me to take my vitamins and supplements every morning. I haven’t been very good at remembering. Now granted he could spank me every time I forget – it really might help me remember. But that’s not what he does. Instead he takes each one out of the bottle and lays them out for me. He is not looking for reasons to spank me; he is looking for ways to care for me. It’s taken me a while to realize this.

Relationship change all the time. Ours includes spanking now and I expect it always will - there will be spanking for fun and play, erotic spankings, maybe a little stress relief and there may even be discipline. But the best part is that our relationship and our love will always be strong.

Before Nick’s halo gets to heavy for him to carry around I’ll tell you he is not perfect. He can aggravate me to no end at times. But I cannot imagine a better husband. I really hit the jackpot folks and the best part is, I know it!