I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Sunday, September 22, 2013

Do you want to be punished?


I spend a lot of time thinking about TTWD, obviously, I’ve been writing about it for seven years. I know I often spend more time writing that I do participating. I read out here a lot too, and sometime I do more lurking than commenting. But I use all this information to try to better understand myself and what it is I want in a spanking relationship.

I read with interest what Bobbie, Bob’s better half, wrote about how a discipline spanking does not work for her and in fact makes her feel worse, although other forms of punishment don’t have that effect. I know Mona Lisa is most definitely against punishment. I find reading what they have to say to be extremely interesting. Heaven knows they make perfect sense, I would imagine most of the world agrees with them and I could easily write a post against physical punishment.

But if I did I wouldn’t be true to myself. I had the overwhelming blessing to grow up in a home full of love. I always felt it from both my parents. I was occasionally spanked – I hated it. More often I lost my TV privileges, I really hated that. As a child I behave pretty well and certainly never wanted or liked my parents disciplining me.

I also remember making up spanking stories as early as age five and by the time I hit puberty, all my fantasies involved spanking, and not just spanking – punishment. There, I said it. I fantasies about being punished. If others don’t understand that, it’s okay, it’s still my fantasy, my desire. And I don’t ever see it going away. It’s who I am and I have no desire to change.

In my head the idea of punishment, of someone taking the time to watch over you and discipline you if you aren’t taking care of yourself, is not only hot, it’s loving. Of course one reason I can easily say this is because I fear no punishment in my life. It’s not something Nick is comfortable with and it won’t ever happen except on the mildest of scales. It’s not that he doesn’t love and care for me, he’s just not comfortable in spanking seriously or doing any true discipline. And I no longer try to push him in that direction.

But I still envy those of you out here that have it in your lives for real. Cassie and Tom are a fantasy couple – I use them to satisfy my longings, although in real life I couldn’t take someone as controlling as Tom. But I do find myself jealous of Ronnie sometimes. She and P seem to have a wonderfully fun relationship which includes many wonderful erotic spankings – but there is that rare incidents when P is upset with Ronnie and a real spanking takes place to address his feelings. I find this very satisfying. Evidently she does too or she wouldn’t still be there.

We have all types of relationships here, they go from the mildest of fun spankings to collared slave. I kept my desire for spanking a secret for forty-nine years, then I found blogs and all of you out here and I felt so accepted. I was totally amazed. I don’t have any need or desire to hide my feelings out here, or to be ashamed of them in anyway.  In my thinking of TTWD, I am intrigued and drawn to the dynamics of discipline, including punishment.  If this isn’t something you desire, you have every right to put your foot down and say a loud and clear NO! But if you share this desire with me, don’t be ashamed and feel free to explore it. I know that for me, this desire isn’t going anywhere.

24 comments:

  1. As a teen I fantasized about spankings more so I had a strict dad with lots of siblings...I put that past me for a while..

    then when I felt I needed spanked a few years ago my fantasies get deeper and deeper. my needs grow more...


    writing helps me along too even though I think Tyler and I are goin in a good direction

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Daisy,
      Isn't it nice to have a place to exchange and explore what we want without feeling put down for our desires.

      Delete
  2. This is me, exactly. I'm very fortunate that Nick has come to the point where he feels comfortable disciplining me, although it took a lot of years to get here. It's still an inner conflict for me to genuinely not want to do anything to upset him and yet still crave real (not pretend or role-play) punishment. What a paradox we are sometimes!

    Hugs,
    Tracy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Angel,
      I know you understand. I know what I want and what I desire. I don't know if I'd like it in real life. But I honestly think I might.

      Delete
  3. PK,
    I believe this desire is much more common then many would think.
    This desire has been part of me all my life, as I grow older I can't be bothered to deny it.
    Love and warm hugs,
    Paul.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Paul,
      I'm there now - not going to deny it anymore. It's a part of me and if I love myself I have to love that part too.

      Delete
  4. As usual, you made so many good points. It is wonderful that those of us in TTWD have found an online community where we can share our feelings.

    FD

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. FD,
      This community means the world to me. I sometimes wonder where I'd be if I hadn't found it.

      Delete
  5. As you know I spent many years as a child creating stories in my head all evolving around the idea of discipline. At the time it was stories of parents or older siblings disciplining children as it was all I knew at the time. I was never spanked as a child, nor have I ever spanked my own children. But as a child I thought about it a lot. Those characters still are a part of me. As I became an adult my stories turned to fantasies of an adult nature and many of those still involve punishment at the core - the caring, loving, and strong man who protects and disciplines his love with gentle strength and dominance. It may not be right for me in real life, but the fantasy will always be true. So I understand what you speak of. :-) Hugs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Terps,
      We have so very much in common. Funny you should mention older sibling doling out discipline. In my made up family I took the parents out of the story immediately, somehow even as a child I felt my fantasies were 'wrong' and I didn't want parents mixed up with my 'weird' thoughts. It's nice to be understood.

      Delete
  6. Hi PK. I too feel exactly like you. My hubby dabbles in punishment spankings but he is really not that way inclined. I feel like you do.. I too am envious of Ronnie. P does seem to "get it". I read lots of stories and have started to write a few just for fun not for anyone to read, and in my mind I dabble in lots of things I wouldn't tell. ;) I think we are lucky to have all our blogland friends to talk to and not be judged by
    love Jan.xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jan,
      I do understand - with all the acceptance I feel here there are still thing in my head I wouldn't share (though if I did, I suspect others would tell me they thought of the same things). Now you know I have to ask - why don't you find one story you're willing to share on Fantasy Friday. With your name or totally anonymous. Think about it.

      Delete
  7. I do have fantasies about punishment or disciplinary spankings. They are there in my head, I write them down too. However, they are not what I seek in real-life. I'm happy with our TTWD, how it brings us together. Sometimes the desire only goes as far as our imagination. I'm lucky to be able to appreciate both my fantasies and real-life spankings. This community is a testimony to that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. DF,
      I'm glad for you. Both that you enjoy punishment fantasies (makes me feel less strange when I know that other understand these feelings) and that you are perfectly content to leave them in fantasy land and completely enjoy your version of TTWD. You're very lucky.

      Delete
  8. I forget how lucky I am sometimes. We've been together a long time and fit well together and I wouldn't change a thing we do. Thought a few more of those punishment spanking wouldn't go amiss:)

    We all different, we share our spanking, loves, hates, fantasies,and that's what I love about this community.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ronnie,
      You are lucky, but then we all are to have men willing to dabble in it to some extent and to have one another to confide in.

      Delete
  9. A year ago I did not even know that spanking existed.
    What a paddle, is I got to see the picture.

    If I had not met a kind and stubborn and wise Dutch man who claimed that spanking can be erotic .. and dared to stand against my disagreements ... I would never discover how spanking a la Bas can get me and Leo together.
    Spanking a la Bas, pinkish, not reddish. Gentle, with lots of caresses and kisses. His Lisa has never even heard the word punishment either.
    After Bass has died, it felt very lonely to be dating fairly in this communitet where almost all love to be spankad until pain and tears.
    Thank God for Bobbie, Df, SG, Irishey I know that there are some like me. It's not easy to be a minority.
    As I wrote earlier, there are certain things I will not understand, and that's OK. And vice versa, you will not understand, and that's ok.
    But there's room for all of us here, I hope.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mona,
      I miss Bas terribly and I know he would weigh in here. He understood that I wanted to be punished at times and also helped me understand why Nick just couldn't really indulge me. He helped me understand my husband much better.

      I think we are all part of one minority or another out here, when I talk with those heavy into BDSM, I'm the minority in the conversation. I talk to them to understand what they get from it, not to tell them they shouldn't be into it.

      When I talk with my friends who only like fun or erotic spankings I'm a minority again. The fact that all of us out here enjoy some form of spanking may put us in a minority in the world (but maybe not, I do wonder).

      Your last sentence is so very true, "There's room for all of us here."

      Delete
  10. I loved this post PK! :). The neatest thing about Blogland is that we come to it with a common interest - spanking of one kind or another, as well as a mission to grow in love with our spouse or partner. Here we are free to say what we think and feel, and find acceptance, people who care and will listen without judgement. We share our experiences and learn from eachother. We listen as well as support. We share our thoughts honestly and kindly. It's a treasure of a place, as well as a lucky find!

    Thanks for writing this, PK! :). I think many of us share a lot of these feelings. The neat thing is that we can all tailor ttwd to work for us in our own special way. Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Katie,
      You said it! I bet there aren't two couples out her that does TTWD exactly the same, yet we all hold it as a common bond. And I love that we all share what works for us.

      Delete
  11. Gosh I completely understand. I have never felt as accepted for my feelings regarding spanking as I do here. I have shared that I have always felt that desire for spanking...discipline etc. I have books earmarked from being read over and over regarding a scene of- or a word regarding spanking. For me I even separated the two. Spanking was discipline and erotica was separate. Only after finding this place did I understand a connection.
    You always get it. I love that you are not afraid to say what you want. Hurrah!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Minelle,
      I think that's what we've all looked for all our life, a place to say what what we want.

      Delete
  12. Although I love erotic spanking, domestic discipline spanking satisfies an emotional and psychological need of mine that erotic spanking just doesn't satisfy. That serious need to be punished, to have the definitive consequence for having done something wrong, and then to be forgiven at the hands of the man I love more than anyone...it is deeply, deeply satisfying to me. However, I dislike being punished. It hurts deeply. I strongly dislike knowing I've disappointed my husband, and even a reprimand for him hurts. I recently told my husband, "I dislike being punished but I love that you will do it if you need to."

    So most of our spankings are not punishment, or erotic, but something in between...a maintenance-style spanking that reminds me who is in charge and/or helps me let go of my stress. This is what we both prefer by far.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jason Girl,
      I'm with you - as much fun as erotic spanking can be, I think of it as spanking-lite. Somehow I can't get the satisfaction from it, the realism I crave. Thanks for stopping by.

      Delete