I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Hope Springs Eternal


I’ve had an interesting few days. I need to write to understand it. Two days ago Nick sent the following email.

I know you want to lose weight in general, and you have said you were going to lose some before the wedding.  You have said you wanted encouragement and more.  You have said you needed specific rules or directives and consequences attached.  I was specific in telling you to exercise at least a half hour every evening last week.  If I am not wrong you blew off Thursday without even asking for permission.   Hopefully you are planning on getting off to a good start this week, since you didn’t lose the weight that I know you are capable of last week, you need to plan on exercising Mon thru Thurs. 

For now we need to meet on this topic.  I’ll give you a day to contemplate.  We will meet sometime tomorrow.

Love you.

To be honest I didn’t know what to think. We don’t do anything remotely dd for months and just when I convince myself to let it go’ he does something like this, and the ray of hope that I’ve been trying to beat to death, flares up again.

I thought about it all day, half the time hopeful, half the time angry with Nick for getting my hopes up. My ‘self-talk’, which is usually sucky, was telling me, “Don’t get excited, he just want some fun and games. He’s not serious about this.” But I am an eternal optimist.

I got another text yesterday afternoon. It said:

You are hereby summoned to appear before today’s session of OTK court at 5:30

I love his teasing, but I so hoped he was serious about this. Just before 5:30 he told me court was in session. And I quickly realized something else – for a damn blogger, and author, I can’t talk for shit!

Nick: Did you read the charges?

Me: Yes.

Nick: Do you have a defense, anything to say?

(My thoughts: How did I know you were serious? You often suggest things but you never follow thorough with consequences. How was I to know you meant it this time? If you suggest things and there is never any follow through if I don’t do it, then I know you really aren’t serious, so I don’t listen. It’s hard to keep working on weight loss, it’s long and boring and slow. You don’t stay interested enough to spank me when I’m doing things to sabotage myself so why should I care.  But my answer was…)

Me: No.  (Boy, I’m a great conversationalist)

Nick: Then maybe we should move on to the sentencing.

I was almost in tears and I don’t know why. I was becoming really pissed with myself for not being able to talk! And I still didn’t really know if we were playing or serious. Thankfully, Nick got a call right then and I had a moment to think.

When he hung up:

Me: Yeah, about the charges. I didn’t know you were serious. I mean, I thought you were just making a suggestion or something.

Nick: I’m serious, you’re on BP medicine, and diabetes is a serious possibility.

There was more and we headed to the bedroom with me just barely thinking he as serious. There were pillow piled up on the bed. He gave me a good warm up, and a good hard spanking. You know I’ve never cried during a spanking, but as he started rubbing I was near tears. I did something I wasn’t expecting to do - I confessed something. Each week I record my weight. It doesn’t really matter if it goes up or down, Nick may mention it, but he rarely does anything other than a few swats. I’d gained, actually I’d gained a lot and for the first time I didn’t record the true weight. I put a much smaller gain.

Why? I knew he wouldn’t do anything and I’d be disappointed. But I told him. He was surprised. He said, “Well the spanking was going to be over, but now you have ten more and you’ll be counting and adding, ‘I deserve another’. Those were hard and they hurt, but I did feel better. And he thanked me for telling him.

After that I could talk a little more. I told him how much I needed his help with this. That for this – my health – I wanted him to be dominant. And I paraphrased something Bas had said to me, “You can’t be submissive if he’s not dominant and he can’t be dominant if you’re not submissive.” It’s a conundrum. I told Nick I didn’t want some 24/7 dd. I just wanted his backing for this.

We talked more about whether or not spanking was the best punishment for a die-hard spanko. I understand his confusion, but it does work for me. He just has to mean it, it can’t be some wimpy spanking, grab me for a few swats, it need to be serious. And I’m much more likely to listen to him, not because of the pain of the spanking, but because he took the time to spank me, to follow through. Confused yet?

He said something about spanking weekly – maybe maintenance, although he didn’t use that word. I told him I thought that would help. It was a good talk. I told him for me weight loss, whether or not it was exercising or eating right, was always easier with a sore bottom. He asked if it was sore then and I was honest – no. It’s never sore afterward, not really, not like I want it to be. He was surprised, but it’s true.

And then after all the talking and after my annoyance earlier in the day that he didn’t care a bit about the dd issue, and that all he was doing was wanting a sexy afternoon, I finally realized that wasn’t what he was after, he was serious about me listening to him about the healthier living. 

Then I realized I was the one who wanted it to end in sex. Nick actually balked a little, telling me that that wasn’t his plan. I told him I understood that and that I really appreciated it, but couldn’t he change his plans? I talked him into it. But he said that wouldn’t be what I could expect during these ‘sessions’.

It was a bit of a roller coaster afternoon, but I’m very happy for the way it went. We always have donuts at our Wednesday meeting at work. Sometimes I eat more than one. I don’t plan to have one today – Nick has suddenly made trying to lose interesting again. Even though he didn’t say it, in my head I’m saying, “Nick said no”, sooooo much easier than me trying to talk myself out of eating a donut.

As we headed out of the bedroom he asked, “What would your friends who don’t like the idea of punishment say about today?”

“That I should have you arrested. But I don’t think I will.”

The eternal optimist lives on.

26 comments:

  1. You're living the (so far never-ending) confusion interspersed with stuff that works, that I know would be similar in length and scope for us. It's enough to leave me too fuzzy to contemplate. Hugs for all that - and for the good stuff, too!

    Side note on the exercise and food choices - bad you, and yea you! I'm there with you on that, too, except no "good me" part. :-( Motivation is a tricky thing. It's great when you have it, but getting it back after it tapers off - so difficult. More hugs!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I think confusion is the real word here. I'm confused, Nick's confused, we're all confused. But we keep muddling through and I guess that's what counts.

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  2. Let's hope this is just the beginning and he is going to become the Dom you need. What a win-win. It will be good for your health and will make you feel more submissive. Let's hope he keeps it up. Good luck.

    FD

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    1. FD,
      I'm hopeful, but not over the moon. We've started and stopped too many time - but we're not going anywhere.

      Delete
  3. PK this is great, I'm happy for you!

    I can understand your confusion as to whether Nick was serious or not. I'm so glad he stepped up and has shown you that he wants to help you with this. Also that you were able to talk to him and let him know you need his help.

    I really hope this is just the beginning and that he will keep in up.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Roz, I hope so too. Talking is so very hard for me.

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  4. As a friend I would cheer because I know despite the confusion and the roller coaster of ups and downs that this aspect works for you, that this is what you really crave, despite trying to push it under a blanket and hiding it under the bed. So I am happy for you both that he was serious and stepped up in that role and while there may still be bumps and lulls I really do hope the journey is heading down a new path that will be satisfactory to you both. I, of course, am an eternal optimist as well, so I am simply wishing you happiness and a nicely warmed bottom...and if you can lose a few pounds from the attention and caring...all the better! :-) Big hugs!

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    Replies
    1. Terps,
      A roller coaster is a great example - I wish we could lever off a while, up on a plateau maybe.

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  5. Hurrah for Nick for stepping up and letting you know he is serious about helping you get healthier. Hurrah for you, for opening up and letting him know how you feel. Dominance and submission do 'feed' upon each other...good luck.
    hugs abby

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    1. Abby,
      Yes they do. I hope you're feeling better all the time.

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  6. I'm excited for you that he's stepping up ik this is what you want/need....hopefully he will keep up w it

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    1. Thanks Daisy, I hope it will keep up. That would be great.

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  7. Wow, so happy for you. Hope this continues.

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    Replies
    1. Sunny, for now I'll just keep my fingers crossed.

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  8. PK,
    this is great, I really hope that it continues.
    Love and warm hugs,
    Paul.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You and me both, Paul.

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  9. PK This is great I am so happy for you, I really hope that Nick keeps up the pressure, How naughty of you to seduce him!!
    love Jan.xx

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    Replies
    1. Jan,
      I think he wished I'd be this kinda naughty more often.

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  10. I love that he initiated things. It can be confusing...for us who desire it and yet not always like it and at times love it...sigh. it does work though!
    Keep on keeping on!

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    1. Minelle,
      I know it works and I do love that he initiated. We'll see.

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  11. Good luck with losing the weight.

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    1. Thanks Angel, I'm going to need it.

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  12. Spanking helps me with weight loss as well.

    Good for Nick and happy for you. Hope it continues.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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    Replies
    1. Ronnie,
      I don't think it would work for everyone, but for those of us who ask for it, it's great.

      Delete
  13. PK, I'm happy for you.
    In life, it is usually the case that when we stop worrying about a thing .. and drop the idea of ​​it, anyway frfår it. As if the universe is just waiting for us to release the walls, relax and we will get it.
    Can anyone understand what I mean? lol ..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know exactly what you mean, I've had several friends desperate for a child who got pregnant when that decided that they'd try to adopt. I think it's the same thing. At the same time I don't know if it will take, we'll see.

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