Hope Springs Eternal

I’ve had an interesting few days. I need to write to understand it. Two days ago Nick sent the following email.

I know you want to lose weight in general, and you have said you were going to lose some before the wedding.  You have said you wanted encouragement and more.  You have said you needed specific rules or directives and consequences attached.  I was specific in telling you to exercise at least a half hour every evening last week.  If I am not wrong you blew off Thursday without even asking for permission.   Hopefully you are planning on getting off to a good start this week, since you didn’t lose the weight that I know you are capable of last week, you need to plan on exercising Mon thru Thurs. 

For now we need to meet on this topic.  I’ll give you a day to contemplate.  We will meet sometime tomorrow.

Love you.

To be honest I didn’t know what to think. We don’t do anything remotely dd for months and just when I convince myself to ‘let it go’ he does something like this, and the ray of hope that I’ve been trying to beat to death, flares up again.

I thought about it all day, half the time hopeful, half the time angry with Nick for getting my hopes up. My ‘self-talk’, which is usually sucky, was telling me, “Don’t get excited, he just want some fun and games. He’s not serious about this.” But I am an eternal optimist.

I got another text yesterday afternoon. It said:

You are hereby summoned to appear before today’s session of OTK court at 5:30

I love his teasing, but I so hoped he was serious about this. Just before 5:30 he told me court was in session. And I quickly realized something else – for a damn blogger, and author, I can’t talk for shit!

Nick: Did you read the charges?

Me: Yes.

Nick: Do you have a defense, anything to say?

(My thoughts: How did I know you were serious? You often suggest things but you never follow thorough with consequences. How was I to know you meant it this time? If you suggest things and there is never any follow through if I don’t do it, then I know you really aren’t serious, so I don’t listen. It’s hard to keep working on weight loss, it’s long and boring and slow. You don’t stay interested enough to spank me when I’m doing things to sabotage myself so why should I care.  But my answer was…)

Me: No.  (Boy, I’m a great conversationalist)

Nick: Then maybe we should move on to the sentencing.

I was almost in tears and I don’t know why. I was becoming really pissed with myself for not being able to talk! And I still didn’t really know if we were playing or serious. Thankfully, Nick got a call right then and I had a moment to think.

When he hung up:

Me: Yeah, about the charges. I didn’t know you were serious. I mean, I thought you were just making a suggestion or something.

Nick: I’m serious, you’re on BP medicine, and diabetes is a serious possibility.

There was more and we headed to the bedroom with me just barely thinking he as serious. There were pillow piled up on the bed. He gave me a good warm up, and a good hard spanking. You know I’ve never cried during a spanking, but as he started rubbing I was near tears. I did something I wasn’t expecting to do - I confessed something. Each week I record my weight. It doesn’t really matter if it goes up or down, Nick may mention it, but he rarely does anything other than a few swats. I’d gained, actually I’d gained a lot and for the first time I didn’t record the true weight. I put a much smaller gain.

Why? I knew he wouldn’t do anything and I’d be disappointed. But I told him. He was surprised. He said, “Well the spanking was going to be over, but now you have ten more and you’ll be counting and adding, ‘I deserve another’. Those were hard and they hurt, but I did feel better. And he thanked me for telling him.

After that I could talk a little more. I told him how much I needed his help with this. That for this – my health – I wanted him to be dominant. And I paraphrased something Bas had said to me, “You can’t be submissive if he’s not dominant and he can’t be dominant if you’re not submissive.” It’s a conundrum. I told Nick I didn’t want some 24/7 dd. I just wanted his backing for this.

We talked more about whether or not spanking was the best punishment for a die-hard spanko. I understand his confusion, but it does work for me. He just has to mean it, it can’t be some wimpy spanking, grab me for a few swats, it need to be serious. And I’m much more likely to listen to him, not because of the pain of the spanking, but because he took the time to spank me, to follow through. Confused yet?

He said something about spanking weekly – maybe maintenance, although he didn’t use that word. I told him I thought that would help. It was a good talk. I told him for me weight loss, whether or not it was exercising or eating right, was always easier with a sore bottom. He asked if it was sore then and I was honest – no. It’s never sore afterward, not really, not like I want it to be. He was surprised, but it’s true.

And then after all the talking and after my annoyance earlier in the day that he didn’t care a bit about the dd issue, and that all he was doing was wanting a sexy afternoon, I finally realized that wasn’t what he was after, he was serious about me listening to him about the healthier living. 

Then I realized I was the one who wanted it to end in sex. Nick actually balked a little, telling me that that wasn’t his plan. I told him I understood that and that I really appreciated it, but couldn’t he change his plans? I talked him into it. But he said that wouldn’t be what I could expect during these ‘sessions’.

It was a bit of a roller coaster afternoon, but I’m very happy for the way it went. We always have donuts at our Wednesday meeting at work. Sometimes I eat more than one. I don’t plan to have one today – Nick has suddenly made trying to lose interesting again. Even though he didn’t say it, in my head I’m saying, “Nick said no”, sooooo much easier than me trying to talk myself out of eating a donut.

As we headed out of the bedroom he asked, “What would your friends who don’t like the idea of punishment say about today?”

“That I should have you arrested. But I don’t think I will.”

The eternal optimist lives on.