I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

You must be 18 to view this site.

Tuesday, September 03, 2013

Lost


Yes, I’m the one that’s lost. If I were to go back and look I’d imagine this happened about this time every year. I can’t fine me. Going back to school must have a lot to do with it, but it was coming on before. I haven’t seen Badass or Wimpy in so long I’m afraid they’ve abandoned me for good. Even PK seems to be ignoring me for the most part.

I can’t blame Nick for any of this. When he gave me a good going back to school spanking he specifically told me, “I can’t always tell what you need. So when you need a good spanking, just lay the leather paddle in my chair and I’ll see what I can do.”

That’s really nice and I appreciate the thought, but that’s not what I need. I used to think TTWD was so simple and I couldn’t understand why Nick couldn’t ‘get it’ completely. Now I’m more confused than I’ve ever been. I know he will take the paddle and smack my bottom if I asked him to. But really I could do that myself.

I’m lost and confused about submission, dominance, discipline – these things are the things that engage my mind. They are the things that turn me on. These things are what make PK and Badass and Wimpy live and breath. And now I’m too confused to even know what to ask for. I don’t need discipline. Obviously I have my flaws and faults, but evidently Nick can live with those things.

But without the ideas of dominance and discipline, without the hope that they ever will be in my life, without that spark… I have nothing in my mind to ignite my sexual self. I feel like the old me when it comes to my sexuality. I desperately want to want sex. But I don’t. I despise this feeling. Everyone want’s something they can’t have. I want to be panting after Nick, begging for sex until he tells me I have to stop or he’s going to take a strap to me. Yes, that’s what I want. Can anyone tell me how to get there?

In the past spanking itself could get me to that point, but lately it’s seemed empty, just a slap on the butt, just the pain, without all the other delightful thoughts and feelings it used to bring.

I can asks Nick to spank me and he will, I can asks him to make ruled for me and he will, I know he would do anything in his power to help me with this. But I can’t expect him to come into my mind and heart and change what I need. I can’t expect him to understand needs and desires that I can’t understand myself.

We’re living on the surface where things are calm and placid. We don’t dive deep and neither of us wants to make waves. First weekend hasn’t happened lately, because the actual first weekend of the month as been full of family and other plans. Nick will be gone for the next two first weekends. I know another weekend could be designated, but my hearts not really into it.  I wish I knew what to do.

12 comments:

  1. PK,
    perhaps the end of Summer has suppressed your libido.
    Autumn(US Fall) is a time of colour and mellow fruitfulness, relax and let the season do it's healing work, I'm sure that the different parts of your libido will return and reintegrate.
    Love and warm hugs,
    Paul.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh PK , I feel for you, maybe it is just a phase, going back to school, hormones, I don't know. What does Nick say? I think maybe if you stop trying to find your libido it will appear on it's own. The more you worry the worse it will be that's for sure. You have all my sympathy,
    love Jan.xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous9:43 AM

    I agree with Jan, if you stop trying to find your libido it will come back on its own.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sorry, been there, done that. It will return.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Libidos do this. Switch off when you want them, turn on when you don't. Things will get back in sync. Starting back at work, settling back into the routine, will add to the uncertainties.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I say 'practice' even if you do not feel 'it.' Remember the saying that tells us to act 'as if' and then we will 'BE'? Our minds and bodies can betray us in good ways and in bad ways. You will get back your desire...It is the stress of life.
    Everyone has these moments!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Friends,
    I appreciate everyone who commented, but in truth my libido has been missing for 27 of the last 30 years. I really don't have much hope of it ever staying with me permanently, or even regularly. Sometimes it gets me down.

    Minelle I understand what you're saying, I've practiced for those 27 years. I'm tired.

    ReplyDelete
  8. PK, all these feelings are complicated - spanking, dominance, submission... It is hard when you are not sure how you feel and even harder when your significant other loves you desperately but not not have the same needs or understand them in the same way as you...and then there is stress and libido and fall changes that affect mood and desire that further complicates things. I am having a hard time organizing my thoughts at the moment as there is so much I want to say - not that I have any answers - just understanding...so for now know I am thining of you and sending hugs. Hope you start to feel better soon and feel more like yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Pk, take it easy. We do not have all the answers at once. Be patient.
    You are in an emotional, libido slump right now. It is what it is. Your libido will never be like you. Maybe. It is what it is. Time to accept ourselves as we are?
    Before you do that, give you time to not think, do not make any major changes. Now is the time to just be, until the answer is revealed. And it will do.

    ReplyDelete
  10. ((Hugs)) PK, I'm sure starting school again and getting back to normal routine isn't helping either. I hope you start to feel better soon.

    Hugs,
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
  11. I tried replying to you last night but my phone was dumb. Anyway I didnt have labido for 14yrs and since we started DD I have alot of it. I am the one pawing at him and getting warned to stop. When that is hot at times it is really hard. He pawed after me for 14yrs and He has lost his labido or something. I always tease him that now he can have it so he doesnt want it all the time.

    I often get worried that i will loose my labido if we stop DD. I think the guys dont understand that DD is what helps keep the spice in our lives and the flame going.

    Also i dont think that the guys understand the freedom we feel when they are in charge and telling us what to do. We have managed so much in our lives and its like a weight off our shoulders when they are controlling us.

    I think we all go through our ups and downs with DD. It will get better. Were kind of at a plateau ourselves right now.

    I'm only an e-mail away if you need me. HUGS

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hi PK, :)

    Are you tired? That is the first thing that came to my mind when I read your words. I would tell you to take this as it comes, and live in the moment. It's a phase, and like a tide it will come and go when it is time for that. Pamper yourself, get in to the school groove, and just accept where you are for the moment! I know that you will be back one of these days. Many hugs and warm thoughts!

    <3 Katie

    ReplyDelete