Yes, I’m the one that’s lost. If I were to go back and look I’d imagine this happened about this time every year. I can’t fine me. Going back to school must have a lot to do with it, but it was coming on before. I haven’t seen Badass or Wimpy in so long I’m afraid they’ve abandoned me for good. Even PK seems to be ignoring me for the most part.
I can’t blame Nick for any of this. When he gave me a good going back to school spanking he specifically told me, “I can’t always tell what you need. So when you need a good spanking, just lay the leather paddle in my chair and I’ll see what I can do.”
That’s really nice and I appreciate the thought, but that’s not what I need. I used to think TTWD was so simple and I couldn’t understand why Nick couldn’t ‘get it’ completely. Now I’m more confused than I’ve ever been. I know he will take the paddle and smack my bottom if I asked him to. But really I could do that myself.
I’m lost and confused about submission, dominance, discipline – these things are the things that engage my mind. They are the things that turn me on. These things are what make PK and Badass and Wimpy live and breath. And now I’m too confused to even know what to ask for. I don’t need discipline. Obviously I have my flaws and faults, but evidently Nick can live with those things.
But without the ideas of dominance and discipline, without the hope that they ever will be in my life, without that spark… I have nothing in my mind to ignite my sexual self. I feel like the old me when it comes to my sexuality. I desperately want to want sex. But I don’t. I despise this feeling. Everyone want’s something they can’t have. I want to be panting after Nick, begging for sex until he tells me I have to stop or he’s going to take a strap to me. Yes, that’s what I want. Can anyone tell me how to get there?
In the past spanking itself could get me to that point, but lately it’s seemed empty, just a slap on the butt, just the pain, without all the other delightful thoughts and feelings it used to bring.
I can asks Nick to spank me and he will, I can asks him to make ruled for me and he will, I know he would do anything in his power to help me with this. But I can’t expect him to come into my mind and heart and change what I need. I can’t expect him to understand needs and desires that I can’t understand myself.
We’re living on the surface where things are calm and placid. We don’t dive deep and neither of us wants to make waves. First weekend hasn’t happened lately, because the actual first weekend of the month as been full of family and other plans. Nick will be gone for the next two first weekends. I know another weekend could be designated, but my hearts not really into it. I wish I knew what to do.