I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Sunday, November 02, 2008

Do any of you understand this?

Todd and Suzy had a wonderful question for their round table last week. They asked about fantasy spanking – what kind of things do you fantasies about and would you want these things to really happen or would you rather them stay in fantasy land. I love it when I read good questions and feel the urge to post something myself.

I remember first fantasying about spanking when I was around 4 years old. They weren’t so much about me but about other characters that constantly ran through my mind. Usually it was a story about a little boy that got in trouble and got spanked.

But in real life I did NOT want my parents to spank me. Like most kids growing up in the 50’s or 60’s I got spanked occasionally. I hated it! I tried to avoid it at all cost and it was a totally separate thing from the spanking thoughts that were running through my mind at that time.

As I progressed into adolescences and the spanking thoughts became sexual the fantasy was always about discipline. At the time I could not imagine any other reason for a spanking. But in these fantasies it was never the parents that were doling out the punishments. It was usually an older brother (I don’t have one) or maybe an aunt or uncle, (strangely never a teacher). I think way back then I felt it was ‘wrong’ or ‘perverted’ to have these thoughts and it felt wrong to bring my parents (or even pretend parents) into it. In my fantasies the parents were never in any way the bad guys. In fact to keep them totally out of it in my fantasies I was an orphan.

So by the time I was a teenager my fantasies were well defined – I was always controlled by others and that for me was where the fun really began! In my fantasy I was at there mercy, I had no control at all; things were done to me while I was fighting against it. Spanking, bondage, anal play, even being teased with the vibrator all combined for wonderful headspace!! So this is the way my fantasies formed in my youth.

I think after giving this a lot of thought I know why discipline/force was the focus. Let’s go ahead and blame everything on the mother. I have to assume my mother was very repressed sexually. I wouldn’t know for sure since she barely acknowledged to me personally that she knew sex existed. I got my basic facts of life from my father and then my sister filled in the details. So without her saying so I gathered that sex was ‘dirty’ and nice girls simply didn’t do it or if they had to in order to have children they certainly didn’t enjoy it!

So although I disagree with that 1000% some things that get into your head and way of thinking are just hard to shake. So in a sexual situation if I am forced to do these things against my will, if I am not consenting, if it is not my idea – then I can’t be held responsible for the way my body reacts! It’s not me agreeing to these sex acts (we good girls would do such) so I am totally free of guilt and can just lay back and enjoy what is happening as the man who is having his way with me ignores my feeble protest and pleas to stop.

Confused yet? I nearly am and I have lived inside this head for many, many years now. Can you imagine how confusing this all is for poor old Nick? In order to allow his wife to totally let go sexually he has to change everything that is ingrained in him about the way you treat a lady? Suddenly he is suppose to order, command, punish, dominate, tease and threaten the women he wants to treat with love and tenderness. Even I feel sorry for the poor guy.

But let me tell you the best part. We are doing great! He is willing to listen to what have to sound like strange request, and give them a try. He has become a great spanker and with a little effort he can become very dominate in the bedroom. He needs to work on his threats a little. Threatening to do the very things I want him to do, so that I can become even more excited. I, on the other hand, am trying to realize that gently loving touching can be just as arousing. Everyone out here says communicate, communicate and we are doing so much better. He may learn things from this post that he didn’t know. As we all know, it is not the destination, it is the journey and I am enjoying ours.


  1. Anonymous6:21 PM

    Yup. I understand every last word of it.

  2. Makes a lot of sense when it comes to sexual and erotic play. In your fantasy, you get to be the 'good girl' that is forced to do "dirty" things.

    That you have an orgasm... lol... hey, that's just a side note. Point is, none of it was your idea.

    But how discipline spanking fits into that is curious. There is nothing directly sexual going on... and you are the "bad girl" that has obviously done wrong.

    So when it comes to a fantasy about say, anal play... you're the good girl that gets blameless pleasure. In the fantasy about discipline, you're the bad girl that has earned a painful punishment.

    Very different!

    Spanking is filled with dichotomies. Lots of us seem to have these two basic kinds of fantasies too.

    Todd & Suzy

  3. That makes so much sense, 'the good girl forced to do bad things' perhaps I too have that underlying 'this is bad' thoughts. In my fantasies I too am forced to do things or allow things to be done to me, though somewhere along the line I have to consent to it even if it is because I will fired, reprimanded, arrested (whatever the scenario is) and no there are many I would only want in fantasy land.

    Great question Todd and Suzy.


  4. Anonymous8:58 AM

    I feel sorry for the tops, too. How can they possibly know what we want/don't want when we say, "no, stop!" either way? My previous boyfriend used to say, "we have a safe word and 'stop that' is not it!" :)


  5. PK, isn't it strange where our fantasies can lead us, in your case to a much improved marriage and love life.
    I recently found some stuff that I wrote in my mid teens, It made me wonder what stone I'd crawled out from under.
    We all have some very dark and cobwebby corners in our minds, some of the inhabitants I don't want to meet in real life.
    Love and warm hugs,

  6. Marie2:54 PM

    PK- There is a lovely article on Taken in Hand called Romance Novels, Good Girls and Mothers. It's by a writer called CarlF. Anyway, when I read your post my mind instantly recalled this article...probably because it resonated with me very clearly. I'd link it for you, but I haven't figured out how to do that, yet. Now if my four year old were here, she could do it. Take Care, Marie

  7. I understand perfectly!

    And here's marie's link: Romance Novels, Good Girls, and Mothers

  8. Wow PK! I'm nearly speechless because I don't know where and how to begin. You said so many things that were/are true for me too.

    I think the most difficult hurdle I overcame was when I finally accepted that my fantasies were just as important as my realities. They are what they are, they're part of what makes me who I am. Will I follow through on some of them... um, no frikkin' way! But I'll continue to have them, enjoy them and share them when I can.

    Paul's. dark cobwebby corners reminded me of my 'stuff'. It resides in an attic, in old boxes piled high. Some have bits of odd paper stuck to them, others labels and strings. They're mine. I know where they are, I know what's in them and I know they're safe. I may not want to go exploring there very often, but when I do, I sometimes find an important reminder from the past of how I became who I am right now.

    Thank you for writing this... it was powerful.


  9. I knew you would twin.

    Todd and Suzy,
    I think you guys understand and you realize how confusing the whole thing is.

    It is all confusing but it is nice to have a guy who will just go along and hot worry too much about why.

    It has got to confuse the hell out of them! They are told by society that "no means no", "be gently and understanding" and above all "never hit a women". These poor guys have a lot to unlearn when we come out to them as spankos.

    I have, or have had in the past, had some interesting folks in my head. Most I would like to meet but only if I can control everything they do like I can in my head.

    Marie and Spanky,
    Thank both of you for pointing this article out to me. I found it very interesting. Actually Oprah was even along these lines today. My mom was really sweet but just too embarrassed by sex to talk about it. But this dear woman was born in 1919. It was just a different time and society when she grew up.

    Yes our fantasies are part of us. As I have posted before I had an entire alternate universe - my own fantasy world with interesting and intriguing characters. I don't go there any longer but some of the people are still with me occasionally. Many are as real as the people I know. Do you suppose that makes me crazy?

    No I don't want to act out all my fantasies but I am so glad I began to trust Nick enough to tell him the basic underlying need I had to be spanked and from there we have been able to come so very far.

  10. Its lovely to see your relationship blossoming along lines you both feel nourished by.

  11. You know that some of my childhood fantasies were very similar to yours so I understand completely. :-)

  12. Anonymous9:59 AM

    Hi I am very new to your blog and I am really enjoying it. Your question is very thought provoking for me. I was watching a TV show about 2 years ago, (that sadly was cancelled I think Matthew Modine was in it) The setting was a college campus, and one of the classes was a writing class, and during one of the lectures the concept of three types of sexual fantasies was discusssed. The idea really opened my mind to think about my fantasies differently.
    Type 1: Sexual Fantasies that you can only think about.
    Type 2: Sexual Fantasies that you can write about or talk about.
    Type 3: Sexual Fantasies that you can act out and share with other people.
    I know that I am rambling on, but this idea of qualifying your sexual fantasies was liberating for me.It opened up a whole new way of thinking about my fantasies and gave me more freedom to think about them somehow made them safer. To get back to one of your comments about discipline and force, I think that with force etc., it helps us to surrender more to the experience or fantasy, and let go of your possible guilt or hidden negative feelings we mite have about these concepts.
    Anyway I wanted to thank you for sharing your blog and all of your thoughts about your relationships.
    I am in a long term marriage, and am "thinking" about sharing some spanking needs of mine. But it is very very scarey, and would make life very complicated as you well know.
    Thanks for listening to me ramble on.
    Happy Thanksgiving

  13. A,
    So glad to see you here and that you are looking around. To give you a brief background. I did no come out to my husband until we had been married for 23 years, 2 kids and I was 49 years old. The two and a half year since that time have been by FAR the most wonderful time of my life!!!! Yes it is a risk but so worth it you can't imagine! Keep reading different places and you'll see.


  14. Anonymous9:23 PM

    PK...Thanks so much for your comment, you can't imagine how helpful that is. This is the first time that I've ever "told" anyone that I've been even thinking about these concepts ie spankings etc. There is so much to think about it's overwhelming. And then I wonder if I want to rock the boat so to speak. My husband & I have been together for about 19 years and married for 16 of them, I am 55 now and feel like it's almost too late. Plus we have been very separate from each other in many ways and have learned to live this way with each other. Soooo complicated..maybe this is too much info? or not the rite place..I do not know what the correct blogger etiquette is yet. Thanks for listening

  15. A,
    LOL comments are a great place to discuss all this but you are more than welcomed to email me if you ever want to. elisspeaks@yahoo.com

    My blog is over 2 and a half years old now and I have explored many of the fears of coming out. I do know the feeling!


  16. Rosie Dee9:55 AM

    Wonderful post! It really makes me think. My mother influenced me in so many ways. The good girl/bad girl quandary has been a recurring theme in my life. That taken in hand link was very helpful. Thanks for this post.