Do any of you understand this?

Todd and Suzy had a wonderful question for their round table last week. They asked about fantasy spanking – what kind of things do you fantasies about and would you want these things to really happen or would you rather them stay in fantasy land. I love it when I read good questions and feel the urge to post something myself.

I remember first fantasying about spanking when I was around 4 years old. They weren’t so much about me but about other characters that constantly ran through my mind. Usually it was a story about a little boy that got in trouble and got spanked.

But in real life I did NOT want my parents to spank me. Like most kids growing up in the 50’s or 60’s I got spanked occasionally. I hated it! I tried to avoid it at all cost and it was a totally separate thing from the spanking thoughts that were running through my mind at that time.

As I progressed into adolescences and the spanking thoughts became sexual the fantasy was always about discipline. At the time I could not imagine any other reason for a spanking. But in these fantasies it was never the parents that were doling out the punishments. It was usually an older brother (I don’t have one) or maybe an aunt or uncle, (strangely never a teacher). I think way back then I felt it was ‘wrong’ or ‘perverted’ to have these thoughts and it felt wrong to bring my parents (or even pretend parents) into it. In my fantasies the parents were never in any way the bad guys. In fact to keep them totally out of it in my fantasies I was an orphan.

So by the time I was a teenager my fantasies were well defined – I was always controlled by others and that for me was where the fun really began! In my fantasy I was at there mercy, I had no control at all; things were done to me while I was fighting against it. Spanking, bondage, anal play, even being teased with the vibrator all combined for wonderful headspace!! So this is the way my fantasies formed in my youth.

I think after giving this a lot of thought I know why discipline/force was the focus. Let’s go ahead and blame everything on the mother. I have to assume my mother was very repressed sexually. I wouldn’t know for sure since she barely acknowledged to me personally that she knew sex existed. I got my basic facts of life from my father and then my sister filled in the details. So without her saying so I gathered that sex was ‘dirty’ and nice girls simply didn’t do it or if they had to in order to have children they certainly didn’t enjoy it!

So although I disagree with that 1000% some things that get into your head and way of thinking are just hard to shake. So in a sexual situation if I am forced to do these things against my will, if I am not consenting, if it is not my idea – then I can’t be held responsible for the way my body reacts! It’s not me agreeing to these sex acts (we good girls would do such) so I am totally free of guilt and can just lay back and enjoy what is happening as the man who is having his way with me ignores my feeble protest and pleas to stop.

Confused yet? I nearly am and I have lived inside this head for many, many years now. Can you imagine how confusing this all is for poor old Nick? In order to allow his wife to totally let go sexually he has to change everything that is ingrained in him about the way you treat a lady? Suddenly he is suppose to order, command, punish, dominate, tease and threaten the women he wants to treat with love and tenderness. Even I feel sorry for the poor guy.

But let me tell you the best part. We are doing great! He is willing to listen to what have to sound like strange request, and give them a try. He has become a great spanker and with a little effort he can become very dominate in the bedroom. He needs to work on his threats a little. Threatening to do the very things I want him to do, so that I can become even more excited. I, on the other hand, am trying to realize that gently loving touching can be just as arousing. Everyone out here says communicate, communicate and we are doing so much better. He may learn things from this post that he didn’t know. As we all know, it is not the destination, it is the journey and I am enjoying ours.