Have I mentioned that I have two children? Oh, I have? These two children are my heart and soul. For me parenthood was the only dream I ever had that exceeded my expectations. For any gripes and complains I will ever have about them they are truly prefect in my eyes.
I want to talk about LJ today. I wish I could tell you his name because I really love it. When this child was born, before even while I was pregnant, he captured my heart in such a way that I knew I would never have full ownership of it again. His first smile, his first step, his first words turned me in to putty and I am afraid I’ll never get over it. I thank God that he is truly a good person that he simple always chose to do the right thing because he could have probably gotten away with anything!
He has been gone this year – his freshman year at college has passed and I survived. Until the changes in me this year my surviving his first year away was truly in doubt in my mind. We went to move most of his things back last Friday. I hadn’t seen him since Easter and it is really only when I get back with him that I realize how very much I have missed him. Let me tell you this boy is well on his way to his degree in BS. Now I don’t mean Bachelors of Science I mean true BS!! He is so funny, he is so interesting to talk to, and he is just so much fun to be around!!
Why am I writing today? I want to tell you that my son is in love. What mother really wants to hear that? That some other person, some stranger has your son’s heart. Someone else is as important, more important, than you in his life. Well yes, eventually that is what you want to hear. That is what is supposed to happen. I am grateful that he has chosen a person with integrity, maturity, honesty, talent and a sense of humor – all of the traits one should look for in a person to love.
But there is one other thing I want all my friends to know. LJ is not in love with a lovely young girl. He is in love with a fine young man. LJ shared the fact that he was gay with me a few days after his 14th birthday. I have had a lot of time to become used to the idea. Actually it took very little time. I have always been one to accept what is, is. We talked enough for me to believe that he knew what he was talking about. I was sad at first. There was a bit of mourning for what I had lost, a future daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law for Mollie, and probably grandchildren from my son. But my sadness did not last long.
It didn’t take long to realize that nothing had changed. My son was who he was and always had been. All that had changed was that he trusted me with an important aspect of his life that many parents are not trusted with. He shared with me that he had know he was ‘different’ since he was four that at nine he knew what it was called and that he had spent most of his time between nine and fourteen praying that it wasn’t true. Shortly before coming out to me he had been in church praying ‘to change’ when he felt he received a message, a peace in which he felt totally accepted by God as the person God had created. He has been comfortable with himself ever since.
How does Nick feel about all this? He and I never talked about it until this past fall. As you might imagine this is not the path he would have chosen for his son. But he also accepts the fact that we do not chose our children’s paths. Nick and LJ are comfortable with each other and Collin, LJ partner is welcomed in our home any time. LJ is living in the open all of his friends know from high school, Governs School and college know and totally accept him. He is well like and very popular with men and women alike. He is also out to my family but not Nick’s completely. For one thing he has no desire to burden his grandparents with the news. They would not understand and there is no reason to upset them. Do the other on that side of the family know? Probably, but it is not acknowledged and that’s okay too.
My son is happy. He is healthy. He is pursuing the career of his dreams. And he is in a relationship that has lasted three years. LJ and Collin have hopes and dreams for the future; they may come true they may not. I guess that’s true for any of us. I wanted to share all of this because my son is so important to me. Maybe other parents are struggling with this issue. I would talk with them if they wanted to. I love my son, he is perfect just the way he is. I would not change one thing about him.