Not a good day

This is one of those pieces that I don’t know if I’ll post or not but I have to write it for myself. I feel like I am blind siding Nick, who has no idea what goes on inside my head. I finally decided to post it because its only fair that he does know what I think. I have not had a good day. Friday was my day to weigh. It had not been a good week so I wasn’t surprised to see that I had gone up instead of down. I wondered about what Nick would do or say, but what I got was – nothing -- he never even asked if I had weighted or what it was. Nothing. I was pissed; I was hurt; I was sad. Of course I never told Nick I was upset. I don’t do that, I just withdraw a bit and have little to say.

We took care of some chores and later around lunch time I had been on the computer a bit then took a quick nap and woke up still mad at Nick. It was time to have it out and tell him what I was feeling. I’ve said before that Nick and I never fight. Well maybe that is not exactly true. We often fight, we have for years, the only problem is that the entire thing takes place in my head. He never knows a thing. And the worse thing about this, the absolute worse is – he always wins. He is not even in the actual argument and he still wins! I know how he thinks and his logical and reasonable responses spring to my mind without effort.

I knew I could have the fight easier if I just left. Nick was working outside and I just said I was going off for a while. He didn’t ask where I was going and that made me even madder. I went to the gym; it was as good a place for a fight as any. It would have started something like this.

Why are you so quiet this morning?

I’m pissed! I weight this morning and you never even asked. You don’t care. I’ve told you I want a DD marriage. You don’t care. I know you don’t really want this but you did agree to help at least with the weight thing. But every time I don’t lose you make up some excuse for me. Hell, I can make excuses! I need someone that will say “Thanksgiving, Christmas, Halloween doesn’t matter, you have a goal and you didn’t make it and I’m going to whip your butt.”

Slow down, you know that I do care. If you wanted me to know what you weighted why didn’t you just come in and tell me?

Bite me.

I just want you to show me you care. Yes I feel like crap being mad at you. I know how much better things are now; better than they have ever been before. Erotic spankings are so wonderful; I love what this has done for us. I don’t know why I am pushing for more but I am. When the kids left today and you were working on the yard and I was doing nothing but napping and working on the computer why didn’t you let me have it, pull me off my lazy butt, spank my ass and tell me to come help or do something!! Then when I left you didn’t even ask me where I was going. So I’m mad!

Let me get this straight. You are mad at me because I didn’t ask what you weighed, when you could have just told me. You are also mad because I went out and did yard work and let you nap and play on the computer. You are a grown woman and knew exactly what you planned to do around the house and when you planned to do it. And you are mad because I trust that you had a reason for going out and that you would be home soon.

Yeah, you’re right, never mind, you didn’t take me to raise. I am perfectly capable of making all the decisions in my life myself, I always have. I get it, I understand, forget it, pass the donuts.

You see, even when he is not there he makes more sense than I do. By the time I got home I wasn’t mad at Nick anymore but I was pretty mad at myself. I curled up with him on the couch just because I needed comfort. He was so sweet, he always is. Why do I get like this?? Why can't I just talk to him. Why can’t I leave well enough alone? Why do I keep pushing DD if he doesn’t want it?