Saturday, November 11, 2006

The Carrot or the Stick



Nick said something the other day that left me unsettled but I couldn’t put my finger on why. I still can’t but I have learned to go with my feeling on some things so with out understanding why here goes.

The weigh loss has been slow and steady, nothing flashy, but usually in the right direction. I got a wonderful reward a week or so ago for my overall loss and it was wonderful! I loved every minute of it. So you would think that when he mentions that when I reach another milestone I could expect another such reward I would be thrilled. It actually caused a tightening in my chest that was not a good feeling at all. And a warning voice in my head said “No, no, don’t, this won’t work, stop!”

When it comes to the carrot and the stick, I am definitely a stick girl! The goal seems too far away. I have a voice in my head that tells me my version of what I think Nick is thinking. In case you didn’t follow you might want to read that last sentence again. What it said was “I have offered a reward, but you don’t seem to be reaching it so you must not really care if you are not willing to work for it.” You do understand that Nick has never said anything like this, he only mentioned the possibility of a reward in the future a day or so ago. Yet this voice is loud and persistent in my head.

I will love receiving a reward any time that he feels I deserved one. But I need him to decide and spring it on me when he makes that decision. I don’t work well toward a reward. Don’t ask me why, I don’t know. What I need are consequences. I used to dream of that angry husband grabbing me and giving me what for. But really that is not what I want. I just want some definite, certain guidelines. I want us or actually him to decide a reasonable goal for weight loss in a week or two weeks time. I just want him to say “You need to lose ______ amount of weight in _____ amount of time. If you don’t I am going to _______________.” He could do the same thing with household tasks. Not just “Clean the house.” But pick one or two thing that need to be done and what will happen if I don’t get them done. He doesn’t need to be mad. It is not his responsibility to tell me to go to the gym or how much to eat. It’s just like in basketball when a player travels or steps out or bounds, there is a penalty. No one is mad or shocked at what happens next. Everyone in the game knows what to expect. The player either avoids breaking these rules or tries to do so in a way that won’t be detected.

I know this is what lot and lots of you do. And I know Nick might be unsure that this would work better that a reward. But I know it will. I’m not topping its just that he was also unsure when I very first mentioned spanking - would really like it. He worried that day dreaming and fantasying about it for years was still vastly different from the real thing. He was right! It has been so much better than I thought it would be!!! So without trying to explain myself I just have to go with the same gut feeling - this will work best for me.

For play or for consequences I would love to see spankings snuck in whenever possible, early morning, any time Mollie may be out of the house for a bit. If we have the time for a quickie or better yet a leisurely – wonderful!! But if time only allows for a quick spanking I want to grab the opportunity. I know what the spanking does for my thought process. I know it keeps the silly grin on my face and keeps me focused on who I am. It keeps my thoughts focused on Nick and how much we love each other and what we are discovering together.

There is one more thing I would love to have him try. We can’t always be spontaneous at our house. But a good threat from my loving husband is always thrilling! That whispered word in my ear in the kitchen of what he is going to do later when the opportunity arises or a promise of future event mentioned at bedtime or as we are getting up keeps a girl tingling in anticipation all day, or for several days if necessary. I think a good threat is the spanko version of talk dirty to me, so it will always have my attention!

Written by PK at 9:28 AM

10 comments

10 Comments:

At 11:45 AM, Blogger Tiggr said...

Oh PK, I'm with you all the way here, totally and completely. I, too, respond ever so much better, quicker and happier to sticks than rewards and every word of what you've said rings true... about the threats as well... I nearly wet myself with excitement and I get all fluttery when Dante does that.

BUT, all of that aside, the trouble is that this puts WAY more pressure and expectation on your man (my man, too, which is why much of this stopped months ago). And I do disagree with one thing... you ARE topping from the bottom with this, even if it doesn't seem that way.

He's trying to do it his way and you want to change it... I agree with you, mind you, and also respond much better to "our" way, but that's not the point from where Nick is standing...

This needs more thought than I can offer here so I'll nag you by email (well, not immediately but soon)... but again let me say that I absolutely agree and I, too, am a stick/punishment kinda gal rather than a carrot/reward type. So I know the frustration and longing you're feeling all too well....

Love you!

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger Tiggr said...

Oh PK, I'm with you all the way here, totally and completely. I, too, respond ever so much better, quicker and happier to sticks than rewards and every word of what you've said rings true... about the threats as well... I nearly wet myself with excitement and I get all fluttery when Dante does that.

BUT, all of that aside, the trouble is that this puts WAY more pressure and expectation on your man (my man, too, which is why much of this stopped months ago). And I do disagree with one thing... you ARE topping from the bottom with this, even if it doesn't seem that way.

He's trying to do it his way and you want to change it... I agree with you, mind you, and also respond much better to "our" way, but that's not the point from where Nick is standing...

This needs more thought than I can offer here so I'll nag you by email (well, not immediately but soon)... but again let me say that I absolutely agree and I, too, am a stick/punishment kinda gal rather than a carrot/reward type. So I know the frustration and longing you're feeling all too well....

Love you!

 
At 11:51 AM, Blogger Tiggr said...

Oh PK, I'm with you all the way here, totally and completely. I, too, respond ever so much better, quicker and happier to sticks than rewards and every word of what you've said rings true... about the threats as well... I nearly wet myself with excitement and I get all fluttery when Dante does that.

BUT, all of that aside, the trouble is that this puts WAY more pressure and expectation on your man (my man, too, which is why much of this stopped months ago). And I do disagree with one thing... you ARE topping from the bottom with this, even if it doesn't seem that way.

He's trying to do it his way and you want to change it... I agree with you, mind you, and also respond much better to "our" way, but that's not the point from where Nick is standing...

This needs more thought than I can offer here so I'll nag you by email (well, not immediately but soon)... but again let me say that I absolutely agree and I, too, am a stick/punishment kinda gal rather than a carrot/reward type. So I know the frustration and longing you're feeling all too well....

Love you!

 
At 4:01 PM, Blogger A.S.S. said...

First of all, the carrot on a stick... what a great picture! We're stealing that!!

Understand what you're saying. Suzy is the same way. Working towards a reward, isn't as easy as working away from the possible punishment. It's too easy for her to rationalize away the reward. 'I can go without that' kind of thing.

So, a system with just rewards wouldn't work very well. We do find though, that it's a nice *bonus* to go with the punishment element that dominates our diet agreement. Do you think it would be easier if you looked at it that way? The "carrot" is just a bonus, one that carries only a fraction what the "stick" side does?

The LACK of receiving a punishment... if it is a true punishment... is a type of reward, btw.

As for the 'topping' thing, everyone has a different view on this. Our opinion is, it makes perfect sense to fully participate in the building of a spanking related arrangement. What are spankable offenses, how possible rewards will work and so on (even if the deal made is, one person makes all the decisions).

Seems quite reasonable to explain what you want and need... what works for you. Of course, he has his wants and needs too. Shouldn't ever be a reason why a couple can't honestly express their desires with each other... and work towards something that makes both happy.

~Todd & Suzy

 
At 6:17 PM, Blogger Paul said...

Elis dear girl. I absolutely agree with what a.s.s say.
I was H o H and the Dom, but we talked, then I made the decision, but I knew exactly what Mel needed and felt and likewise Mel knew my needs and wants. Mel needed a level of spanking that was quite high, so saying that I would withhold a spanking worked very well.
Warm hugs,
Paul.

 
At 9:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The comments of Tiggr an Todd and Suzy are very well said. Remember adding the carrot does not mean the stick has been put aside. You can choose which to focus on. Both are there. I still expect you to be at or better than the goal we have ageed upon. So far you have managed to do so. It looks like you need to bear down on food choice and excercise to remain successful. If not, watch out.
Love,
Nick

 
At 10:11 AM, Blogger Theresa said...

OK PK you asked for it sounds like you got it!

What's with Tiggr this morning. Is she trying to make a point? Three times!

To me the threats and the spanko talk is 90% of the fun. Like you said you need privacy for a spanking. But you can have spanko talk and threats in the car, on the phone, at Walmart, and even in the park.

I told Will the other night and again this morning. My bottom needs lots of attention. I need you to pat, rub, smack, pinch all the time. And these things can also be done private and public.

I don't think I am topping, just telling him what I want. Right?

Good one PK!

Hugs
Theresa

 
At 10:21 AM, Blogger Tiggr said...

Yeah, OK, Theresa (and PK), I like hearing myself talk... NOT!!!!!

Blogger needed whacked! And I smacked it good! Go, me!

I love Nick's remarks the very best and we shall all wait somewhat impatiently to see how this plays out... he knows you better than anyone and I LOVE that he is jumping into the waters here now...

Love you,
Tiggs

 
At 3:03 PM, Blogger New Beginnings said...

Todd and Suzy,
I like the way you guys are doing your weight program. I wish we had better scales, since it's my butt on the line. But so far so good. I hope to have more time for the gym this week. So far he hasn't seemed to mind me telling him what I think I need.

Paul, how did Mel react if you withheld a spanking. Did she try to behave to get back in your good graces or did she brat until you changed your mind??

Theresa,
Well.... It's been a good day. I do like being able to tell him what I like. And I also often ask him to tell me thing he thinks about and what he would like from me.

Tig,
You name has already come up in one discussion this morning! I love him jumping in too, but I definitely have a mild panic attack every time I see his name here!

We shall see.

Elis

 
At 8:11 PM, Blogger SuZQ said...

Hiya PK,

I, too, respond much better to the threat of punishment than the promise of reward (although I love the surprise of an unexpected reward!) When I get out of line, the Coach has one phrase that seems to straighten me out quickly "Suzy, do you want to go to bed with a red bottom tonight?". Yikes! and Yowza! It works for me every time on so many levels!

Communication about these things is so important, and it seems that you two have that. How great that he is participating on your blog now, so you have one more way of communicating.

Good post, PK!

*hugs* Suzy

 

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