I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Monday, August 20, 2012

The thinking continues

You can go back here to read the first part of this post – you know how I am once I begin thinking.

For a minute, think of happiness in a marriage on a scale of one to ten – one being sitting in divorce court and ten being living in total bliss unimaginable to most humans.  The first part of our marriage usually stayed between 4 and 5.  I don’t think divorce ever entered either of our minds, but wild, over the moon happiness wasn’t there either.  After I came out it shot right up to a good solid 9 for a while and finally settled down (after that honeymoon period) to a nice solid 8. During this time we were still exploring what it all meant.  I was meeting new people in blogland and even meeting them in real life.  Nick was reading my site and their sites.  I loved that, the fact that he was trying to learn about all this.  He was invested, he even wrote some Fantasy Friday stories for me!  But for one reason or another he stopped reading, both mine and everyone else’s.  It wasn’t all new anymore and I think we began drifting down the happiness scale.  Not back to where we were, but down to a 7, maybe a 6 at times.

In the past, when I’ve felt us drifting, I’ve usually email Nick or posted something about what I really wish he’d do to help us get that closeness back.  He read it most of the time if I asked him.  Sometimes he’d try some of it for a little while, but usually stuff just drifted away.  Right now though, I really wouldn’t know what to say to him.  I’ve thought and pondered and written post after post for six years to try to find the way TTWD would work best for us.  I don’t know what else to ask him to try.

Thoughts float through my mind:

Dominance (submission rarely enters into my thinking, LOL)

Maintenance – I’ve always envied couples that use this, but it’s not ever been something Nick seems to want to do.  When we’ve tried it, it has only lasted for a few weeks.  And I always felt like it was just something else on his to do list.  As in, “Hmmm… I need to mow the yard, wash the car, spank PK (it’s not going to lead to sex so it doesn’t have to take much time or thought), then I need to take the garbage out…” I am being totally unfair to Nick here, but I’m giving you my perception, not reality.

Discipline – I have friend through out the whole scale of discipline.  But those here that I am really the closest with don’t really use any true discipline. I still have fantasies of it and I always will. It’s like with Tom and Cassie – their relationship is my total fantasy.  In real life I’d smother Tom in his sleep!  But when we exchange the word discipline with words more like ‘motivation’, ‘encouragement’, ‘focus’ that might fit us better.

Rules – Nick used to give me rules.  In spite of what he might think, they really worked and they helped me.  But he doesn’t do it anymore.  I worry about this because Bas gave me a new way of thinking about those rules.  I’d follow the rule for a while, but then when I gradually stopped, Nick never said anything and never did anything.  So I felt he really didn’t care (about the rule or whether or not I followed it).  Bas explained that if I wasn’t keeping the rules he gave me, maybe I was the one showing him I didn’t care about what he had said or about respecting his right to give rules.  I really do see his point … but, but… I guess I’m a tester.  If he saw I wasn’t follow the rule and he spanked me over it, I would see that he really did care about this rule and I’d try much harder to follow it.

When I do break a rule that Nick feels is beneficial, I have a million reasons and excuses for why I broke it, and Nick, being a wonderful, kind man almost always accepts these excuses.  I want a basketball approach to rule.  In basketball, if you step out of bounds with the ball, then the ball goes to the other team.  There could be many reasons this happened, maybe you tripped, maybe you lost your balance, maybe someone distracted you, maybe you didn’t even realize you had stepped out of bounds.  You can tell all this to the referee – he may even agree with you, he’s not angry, but the ball still goes to the other team.

I wish Nick would pick a few things he really cares about (I said a few) and be willing to enforce them.  If he wants me in bed at a certain time and I come to bed 15 minutes late (and he knows it) then I wish he would spank me the next day regardless of the reason. 

Maybe I had homework to do – Nick: That’s too bad you had so much to do. You’re still getting spanked.

Maybe one of the kids called late and I stayed up to talk to them – Nick:  What did the kids have to say?  How are they doing?  And you’re still getting spanked for coming to bed late.

Like the ref, he’s not mad, he sees that things might have caused it, but the penalty is still the same.

Another things about rules, I wish he would make them clear.  Say, “You are going to have to do ‘this’.  It’s a rule, that’s it.”  That helps me.  If he says, “You know you really should think about doing ‘this’. Part of me gets really irritated.  Of course I should do a lot of things – but I don’t, I don’t seem to be able to make myself – but he could.  When he says ‘It might help if…’ or ‘I think it would be a good idea if you…’ or even, ‘maybe if you cut down on …’, it’s not effective.  Cassie didn’t get her ability to manipulate semantics all by herself, you know!

Dominance – Nick and I are equal. It’s the only thing that really works for us.  I am more that willing to try to follow any reasonable ruled he comes up with – especially regarding weight loss. But, I’m following them because I know he cares about me and they would be something really beneficial to me, to both of us, not because he’s the boss. Now in the bedroom, I do love being dominated. He wants to do something – old or new, I’m willing.  He wants me to try something, I’m willing.  If it’s something I don’t like I’ll tell him and we’ll decide what’s best – give it another try in the future or let it go.  But I’m willing, and THAT sure wasn’t true before TTWD.

And just for the fun of it I wish he would sometimes push my limits – with many things – spanking, bondage, blindfolds, plugs, mats, hot creams… just sometimes, so I can float away on a darker fantasy just for the fun of it.

Sorry, I know this is long and rambling.  I’m hoping to write a post soon about what Nick thinks of all this is.  Not that I’m going to ask him or anything – that post will only be sharing the things Nick says in my head.  Simply what I think he’s thinking.  LOL, maybe he’ll want to read that one. But I’m not sure when that will be – Cassie is requesting my typing services and that’s one lady I do not want to ignore!


  1. Testing, testing, always testing.
    PK, you should be spanked for testing!
    But don’t we all do it?
    Lisa and I are testing each other right now.
    With the youngsters coming home, we cannot be open about our relation anymore. So, as of today we cannot use our special words and names anymore. I watched Lisa’s reaction this morning when I used here worldly name, and actually there was no reaction at all. But she forgot about being submissive at the spot.
    I cannot act dominant on my own. Just Like Nick I am an equalitarian at heart.
    Up till now, we were keeping each other going.
    Now where are we?
    I cannot act dominant, because she does not act submissive.
    She cannot act submissive, because I don’t act dominant.
    We are both testing how important TTWD is to the other.
    There should be a rule against testing. A rule for both partners.
    If you find a way out of this predicament, please let me know.

    Before you publish everything Nick said in your head, it is a good thing to have those words approved by him.
    Good Lord girl, you’ve left Cassie waiting! Now what did your parents teach you about leaving a Lady waiting? Go get to the typing!

  2. Not much time this morning, but interesting thoughts and I'll come back and read again. Hope it is a good Monday for you. Glad Cassie is talking to you as well:)

  3. PK,
    seems to me that you are over thinking.
    Hope that things work out for you.
    Love and warm hugs,

  4. Why is it so gosh darn hard to turn our brains off and stop thinking??? Last night I was doing some of my own thinking and cried myself to sleep (I am fine, nothing is wrong - just have had a difficult week dealing with some of these same feelings you have expressed and feeling alone and thus been visiting blogland more and more to find that comfort in this community that I find so supportive) I was just thinking and thinking about TTWD and hoping and losing hope and hoping again and thinking and feeling discouraged and dreaming and fantasizing what life could be and what it is and thinking some more about this journey and wondering what is my next step or is there a next step and what can be said or shared that I haven't already shared and analysing and thinking some more and you get the picture. It is dizzying. Sorry to babble on so. I guess what I am trying to say, though perhaps poorly, is that I understand and hear what you are saying and am thinking of you. I am sure things will get better - they have to because at the end of the day, we love our husbands and our husbands love us and that is a great thing. Or maybe we will learn how to stop thinking and our inner turmoil of confusion will all the sudden be clear. :-) Sending hugs, T

  5. I read this earlier and I actually needed to think about everything you said. It strikes a common cord with me.TTWD can be so confusing and fun, I am always bombarding my husband with thoughts questions information etc. It is CRAZY. Fantasy vs "more."
    Fun vs all the other thoughts that enter my head. Wanting my husband to be on the exact same page- for him to READ MY MIND.

    Your Nick is probably just not sure what you want. Therefore he is standing still. Which makes you retreat, not asking for what you need.

    If you learn the way please point everyone in the forward direction!

  6. i wish testing wasn't a part of my make up but it is. and i hear you on the rules should be stated clearly thing instead of the you should and think about trying... really, and going to bed is a thing with me too. LOL. i never sleep early - or early enough. but i get away with sleeping later than when he THINKS i should be going to bed.

    i hear you girl, i hear you.

  7. You have been doing a lot of thinking. It's making me positively dizzy. Of course, if I hadn't thought all these same things myself, I wouldn't be getting quite so dizzy. I can't wait to hear what Nick has to say, I have a feeling it sounds much like Musicman's half of the conversations that go on in my head :)

  8. Where did you find time to do all this thinking:) It's very confusing PK and I can imagine for Nick as well. If I could give you an answer to it or wave a magic wand you know I would.


  9. Bas,
    So you think I should be spanked do you? Well bless your heart! I’m not sure there is a way out of our predicament. I think it kind of ebbs and flows. I know it flies out the window when our kids come home. One reason is the lack of privacy and the other is that I go into ‘Mommie mode’ not that the kids need or expect that, but it still happens. And sadly I guess (since my kids are grown) mommie still trumps wife.

    I dare not keep Cassie waiting much longer. I’m working on it!

    I’m glad she is talking to me too. I sure do miss her when she’s away.

    Telling me I’m over thinking is like telling me I like spanking! I know it, I just don’t know how to stop it.

    When you learn to stop over thinking – please teach me. It does help knowing that others have some of the same thoughts and worries. It makes me feel less alone. But you are right we have great guys that love us. How many would give everything for that alone.

    I got a wonderful little package in the mail!! I’ll be emailing.

    You hit it right! Nick is nearly perfect – if he could just get that mind reading thing down, I wouldn’t ask for another thing. But only when I WANT him to read it, of course. LOL!

    I’m like a little kid about going to bed. I hate to give up the day. The only time I got to bed at a decent hour was when he insisted.

    I’m pretty sure many of the conversations we have in our heads with our husbands would be interchangeable!

    It’s easy to find time – whenever Nick should be spanking me and he isn’t, I spend the time thinking! LOL!

  10. PK: I wish I had some pithy words of advice but I just want to wish you the best in finding a way that works for both of you. Good luck.


  11. PK- show him this post. Your points are valid. I can relate to each an everyone of them. I too overthink whenI am not getting the spanking I want or deserve. LolI wish sometimes my husband wouldn't ask me why I want this and he would just do what I want.

  12. I understand Master is the same way about enforcing rules and it makes it hard to follow. It drives me insane sometimes.

  13. OH my goodness! Are we all the same? You express it all so well. I fantasize the discipline. In my head it's the best. But I still think Tom might be too much for me. If my fantasy became real, would I be happy? Or do I only want that sometimes? That's unfair to my husband isn't it? I'm trying for a bedtime rule. One night he made me turn off the TV and light and took the remote. I complained a little but settled happily and went to sleep. It felt so good. The next night he went to sleep early and was so exhausted that he never knew that I was up past 2:00. When I mentioned it the next day, he just told me that I should have gone to sleep earlier.

    NOTHING else. So what do I have to do? I have the same insecurities that everyone here seems to have. Usually it's great but as soon as he doesn't react the way I want, I start thinking he doesn't want this anymore and I should just shut up. But I can't. Eventually we talk or he sees a change in me and figures it out. He definitely knows I need this. I think I rambled here. You got me thinking....
    Rosie Dee