The thinking continues

You can go back here to read the first part of this post – you know how I am once I begin thinking.

For a minute, think of happiness in a marriage on a scale of one to ten – one being sitting in divorce court and ten being living in total bliss unimaginable to most humans.  The first part of our marriage usually stayed between 4 and 5.  I don’t think divorce ever entered either of our minds, but wild, over the moon happiness wasn’t there either.  After I came out it shot right up to a good solid 9 for a while and finally settled down (after that honeymoon period) to a nice solid 8. During this time we were still exploring what it all meant.  I was meeting new people in blogland and even meeting them in real life.  Nick was reading my site and their sites.  I loved that, the fact that he was trying to learn about all this.  He was invested, he even wrote some Fantasy Friday stories for me!  But for one reason or another he stopped reading, both mine and everyone else’s.  It wasn’t all new anymore and I think we began drifting down the happiness scale.  Not back to where we were, but down to a 7, maybe a 6 at times.

In the past, when I’ve felt us drifting, I’ve usually email Nick or posted something about what I really wish he’d do to help us get that closeness back.  He read it most of the time if I asked him.  Sometimes he’d try some of it for a little while, but usually stuff just drifted away.  Right now though, I really wouldn’t know what to say to him.  I’ve thought and pondered and written post after post for six years to try to find the way TTWD would work best for us.  I don’t know what else to ask him to try.

Thoughts float through my mind:

Maintenance

Discipline

Rules

Dominance (submission rarely enters into my thinking, LOL)

Maintenance – I’ve always envied couples that use this, but it’s not ever been something Nick seems to want to do.  When we’ve tried it, it has only lasted for a few weeks.  And I always felt like it was just something else on his to do list.  As in, “Hmmm… I need to mow the yard, wash the car, spank PK (it’s not going to lead to sex so it doesn’t have to take much time or thought), then I need to take the garbage out…” I am being totally unfair to Nick here, but I’m giving you my perception, not reality.

Discipline – I have friend through out the whole scale of discipline.  But those here that I am really the closest with don’t really use any true discipline. I still have fantasies of it and I always will. It’s like with Tom and Cassie – their relationship is my total fantasy.  In real life I’d smother Tom in his sleep!  But when we exchange the word discipline with words more like ‘motivation’, ‘encouragement’, ‘focus’ that might fit us better.

Rules – Nick used to give me rules.  In spite of what he might think, they really worked and they helped me.  But he doesn’t do it anymore.  I worry about this because Bas gave me a new way of thinking about those rules.  I’d follow the rule for a while, but then when I gradually stopped, Nick never said anything and never did anything.  So I felt he really didn’t care (about the rule or whether or not I followed it).  Bas explained that if I wasn’t keeping the rules he gave me, maybe I was the one showing him I didn’t care about what he had said or about respecting his right to give rules.  I really do see his point … but, but… I guess I’m a tester.  If he saw I wasn’t follow the rule and he spanked me over it, I would see that he really did care about this rule and I’d try much harder to follow it.

When I do break a rule that Nick feels is beneficial, I have a million reasons and excuses for why I broke it, and Nick, being a wonderful, kind man almost always accepts these excuses.  I want a basketball approach to rule.  In basketball, if you step out of bounds with the ball, then the ball goes to the other team.  There could be many reasons this happened, maybe you tripped, maybe you lost your balance, maybe someone distracted you, maybe you didn’t even realize you had stepped out of bounds.  You can tell all this to the referee – he may even agree with you, he’s not angry, but the ball still goes to the other team.

I wish Nick would pick a few things he really cares about (I said a few) and be willing to enforce them.  If he wants me in bed at a certain time and I come to bed 15 minutes late (and he knows it) then I wish he would spank me the next day regardless of the reason. 

Maybe I had homework to do – Nick: That’s too bad you had so much to do. You’re still getting spanked.

Maybe one of the kids called late and I stayed up to talk to them – Nick:  What did the kids have to say?  How are they doing?  And you’re still getting spanked for coming to bed late.

Like the ref, he’s not mad, he sees that things might have caused it, but the penalty is still the same.

Another things about rules, I wish he would make them clear.  Say, “You are going to have to do ‘this’.  It’s a rule, that’s it.”  That helps me.  If he says, “You know you really should think about doing ‘this’. Part of me gets really irritated.  Of course I should do a lot of things – but I don’t, I don’t seem to be able to make myself – but he could.  When he says ‘It might help if…’ or ‘I think it would be a good idea if you…’ or even, ‘maybe if you cut down on …’, it’s not effective.  Cassie didn’t get her ability to manipulate semantics all by herself, you know!

Dominance – Nick and I are equal. It’s the only thing that really works for us.  I am more that willing to try to follow any reasonable ruled he comes up with – especially regarding weight loss. But, I’m following them because I know he cares about me and they would be something really beneficial to me, to both of us, not because he’s the boss. Now in the bedroom, I do love being dominated. He wants to do something – old or new, I’m willing.  He wants me to try something, I’m willing.  If it’s something I don’t like I’ll tell him and we’ll decide what’s best – give it another try in the future or let it go.  But I’m willing, and THAT sure wasn’t true before TTWD.

And just for the fun of it I wish he would sometimes push my limits – with many things – spanking, bondage, blindfolds, plugs, mats, hot creams… just sometimes, so I can float away on a darker fantasy just for the fun of it.

Sorry, I know this is long and rambling.  I’m hoping to write a post soon about what Nick thinks of all this is.  Not that I’m going to ask him or anything – that post will only be sharing the things Nick says in my head.  Simply what I think he’s thinking.  LOL, maybe he’ll want to read that one. But I’m not sure when that will be – Cassie is requesting my typing services and that’s one lady I do not want to ignore!