Sunday, August 12, 2012

Struggling


This isn’t working.  I try to stay away from writing out here when I’m not doing so well. There is nothing wrong, certainly nothing bad.  I’m busy with school starting.  Tomorrow is the first day for kids. Everyone on my team is acting profession and polite.  We’re all trying.  I can’t ask for more than that.  But I’m not doing well.

I can’t find anyone.  PK hasn’t come back, haven’t heard a word from Badass or Wimpy either.  Cassie must be off living her life because she hasn’t dropped by for a visit.  I’m feeling a little lost and lonely and I hate to blog when I’m down, why drag others into my spiral?  But at the same, time writing is about the only thing I know that might bring everyone back. 

When this happens I lurk, but I rarely leave comments. That make me feel bad, but it’s part of my turning inward and not talking.  When I do this, I feel further separated from everyone.  I don’t even answer my emails like I should, then I feel bad about that and the spiral continue. 

The summer was busy (and I’m so glad to have the kitchen done), but it pushed everything to the background.  The kids were home for a week (loved that) and then the reunion (loved that too). Now I’m back at work with something I haven’t taught before so there is way more preparation right now (it will get easier). Mollie comes home today for a week before she heads back to school, so I want to spend time with her.  But I still need some time to look for me too.

All is not lost though.  I have Nick – and that’s major.  Last week, on the seventh, he text me to plan on a surprise weigh in that evening.  That was sweet.  I had managed to keep it slightly below what I’d been right before the eat-fest reunion, so the nice spanking I got was more of a warning to pay attention and not let it get away from me again. It helped me some.

But I still didn’t feel like me. Then Saturday morning I got an email from Nick accusing me of being, “guilty of failure to disclose relevant info”. It seems like I never got around to mentioning Consensual Spanking Day to him.  I thought about it, but he had spanked me the day before and I didn’t want to bother him.  So he took care of it Saturday, along with the interest it has accrued and then on to other fine, fun activities.  I appreciate Nick’s attention.  It helped, nobody’s come back yet, but it helped.

I do have some long conversations with Nick about TTWD and some things I really need or think I need.  I try to explain to him how I think it will really bring us closer. But he doesn’t always agree with me and I’ll have to say his points in the discussion are sound and reasonable.  I guess the biggest problem with these conversations is that they are all taking place in my head and Nick doesn’t know about any of them.  It’s like the old day.  I hate it, but I can’t seem to stop.

Don’t give up on me.  The gang is bound to come dragging in eventually.  I’m also going to try to write out some of the ‘conversations’ Nick and I are having.  I’ve given up on ever being able to have them in person.  It’s impossible for me. Even the thought of trying makes me feel like a deer caught in the headlights.  But I think I can write some of them.  When I get the time, I’ll try.

My thanks to Minelle for nominating me for the Meta Awesomest Blog Unicorn Prize.  If there are ten things I haven’t told about myself in all these years I’m probably never telling, but I have very much enjoyed lurking around and reading everyone else’s.  

Written by PK at 4:00 PM

19 comments

19 Comments:

At 2:10 AM, Blogger SmilingBelle said...

First.....I am so sorry you are down:(

(((((((((((((PK))))))))))))))))) Hugs to you from Belle!! :)

I know all about those conversations that stay in your head. I have a few in mine that just sit and sit and sit and never leave because I just cannot talk about it. I have gotten better about talking to Mr. B, but there are still a few that I haven't gotten out yet.

(((((((((PK)))))))))) Hugs again:)

Belle:)

 
At 3:08 AM, Blogger Blondie said...

Hope you find some me time soon where you can do nothing but be happy for a moment or two. It's okay to question and worry about things. I am sending you all the good thoughts that I can.

 
At 7:00 AM, Blogger Michael M said...

Hi don't give up. Try and try again. Do something he enjoys and thenask for a return favour.
Michael

 
At 7:32 AM, Blogger Paul said...

PK,
sorry o hear that you are down, hopefully things will get better soon.
If I can help in any way, email me.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.

 
At 8:03 AM, Blogger Minelle Labraun said...

Pk you have had such a stress filled
summer.There was No time to decompress. Unfortunately now you have tons of work on your plate and you have to engage that left side of your brain.

YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF!Seriously look at all the writing you do.
You are always thinking and helping others find a voice in this community.

Those conversations in our heads are good it's how we filter things.

I truly hope you feel better.

 
At 9:07 AM, Blogger Bas said...

PK,
Please come back to your rightful place in Elis’ mind . You know you belong there. We cannot bear to see her struggling like this.
If you see Wimpy and Badass (the last one especially), give them a kick in the ass, tell them summer vacation is over and they should take their responsibility!
Now, if you run into Cassie, be polite, but convey the same message.

Elis, I recognize these mind-conversations. I even have this strange habit of being angry at Lisa, when she doesn’t keep to all the things we agreed upon in my mind.
You’re welcome to read the blogs, leave comments when you want to, don’t comment, when you don’t want to.
The gang will find you, when things get normal again.
All of Blogland loves you, me especially.
Hugs,
Bas

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger sunnygirl said...

I wondered why I hadn't seen you around or heard from you. It's probably just because the summer was so stressful and now you're back to school. I am sure everyone will be back soon.

I think everyone suffers from the summer doldrums. I know I haven't been reading or writing or doing much of anything that doesn't need to get done.

I hate to rush the seasons, but it's been a long hot summer.

Feel better and good luck tomorrow

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger SNP said...

I've been thinking and wondering about you. You have had a lot going on in your life! I feel similar things you express in your post. Glad Mollie is coming home, you have a great new kitchen, all the best as kids come back and you start the school year, and keep up the dialog with Nick. I send you a hug and love in friendship. I wish it was more, but yay for blogging friendships.

 
At 11:01 AM, Blogger Terpsichore said...

I do not feel I have anything I can add except to tell you I am here for you as a friend and I truly understand and have been there before. I hope the spiral starts to come up and outward soon. And even if it is down and inward please visit here as it is a safe place and you have so many friends here who have experienced similar and are happy to support you wherever you are. Here for you if you need anything. Sending hugs, Terps

 
At 12:30 PM, Blogger faerie said...

{{{{{Hugs}}}}}} I'm so glad you have come out of hiding, even if PK, Wimpy and Badass haven't come back. You had a lot on your plate this summer, and a shortened summer for you to boot. Hang in there and know all your friends are here to support you :)

 
At 2:56 PM, Blogger abby said...

First...HUGS..hugs..I can so identify with pulling within yourself when things are not right, I am fighting doing that right now. I used to just do it...now I recognize it and at least try to stop it...sounds like that is what you are doing...it's a big step.
PK is who we all love...the 'other' yous are just icing on the cake...they will be back!
Beginning of the school year is always rough...be good to yourself.
hugs..abby

 
At 3:35 PM, Anonymous Patty said...

Can't believe school is starting already. Summer flew by. Try to remember the good things that happened this vacation period ( Kitchen, reunion, etc) and please be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Hugs.

 
At 5:25 PM, Blogger Katia said...

PK life gets busy. I still read a lot, but don't always comment as well. I hope things get better for you.
Hugs,
Katia

 
At 6:37 PM, Blogger Renee Rose said...

don't feel bad about just lurking and not leaving comments! Take care of yourself!!! We love you regardless.

 
At 10:19 PM, Blogger Rogue said...

Just letting you know I'm thinking about ya!! Sending lotsa ((((((HUGS))))))

 
At 10:20 PM, Blogger PK said...

Thanks Belle,
It’s not that Nick acts negatively when I talk about it, it’s just that I cannot get the words out of my mouth.

Blondie,
I appreciate you coming by. I’m not unhappy; I just know I’d like to be better.

Michael,
Nick’s a sweetie, he would do anything I asked him. I just don’t know what I want anymore.

Paul,
I know things will get better. Just writing the post helped. I won’t be down long.

Minelle,
I do have a lot to do for social studies, for me math is so easy to teach. I’ve just got a lot of planning and research to do now and that cuts into my writing time and that’s my joy and relaxation.

Thanks Bas,
I’m happy to report that Cassie did swing by today and begin telling me what’s been going on in her life. Who knows when she might finish the story or when I’ll have time to type for her? But it made me feel so much better.

I knew all of you out here would make me feel better and you all have.

Sunnygirl,
I think about you, you are one I miss talking to. I love fall and the new fresh air will make me feel better for sure. I’ll email soon.

SNP,
It’s really great having Mollie home. She won’t be here long, but it’s so nice. My blogging friendships mean a ton to me.

Terps,
I always feel better when you come by. I know we all spiral at time. I’m fighting it.

Faerie,
I know you’re there and that really helps. Even when I quiet, I know you understand.

Abby,
Pulling in is natural for me. But at least now when I feel I’m beginning to spiral I don’t dive in and try to go deeper. I try to catch myself before I go too deep.

Patty,
It was a fast, short summer. And you’re right, there were great parts. But I know you will be happy to hear that Cassie is telling me about how she is spending her summer.

Katia,
Both the reading and commenting usually help me feel better. I need the contact with people who understand. But sometime the time just isn’t there.

Renee,
I really appreciate you saying so.

 
At 6:23 AM, Blogger PK said...

Rogue,
I really appreciate you coming by, I know you more than have your hands full these days.

 
At 5:47 PM, Blogger Stormy said...

Aww, geez...I'm sorry PK. I know that its not easy to share some of this "gunk" and I also know that these times pass- its a season of pondering..that's all.

Thinking of you!

Stormy

 
At 12:02 AM, Blogger Florida Dom said...

PK: Good to see you comment that writing the post helped and that you won't be down for long. It's another example of why it is so good to be part of a blogging community with people who understand and support you. Good luck in dealing with all this. We all wish you well.

FD

 

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