Struggling

This isn’t working.  I try to stay away from writing out here when I’m not doing so well. There is nothing wrong, certainly nothing bad.  I’m busy with school starting.  Tomorrow is the first day for kids. Everyone on my team is acting profession and polite.  We’re all trying.  I can’t ask for more than that.  But I’m not doing well.

I can’t find anyone.  PK hasn’t come back, haven’t heard a word from Badass or Wimpy either.  Cassie must be off living her life because she hasn’t dropped by for a visit.  I’m feeling a little lost and lonely and I hate to blog when I’m down, why drag others into my spiral?  But at the same, time writing is about the only thing I know that might bring everyone back. 

When this happens I lurk, but I rarely leave comments. That make me feel bad, but it’s part of my turning inward and not talking.  When I do this, I feel further separated from everyone.  I don’t even answer my emails like I should, then I feel bad about that and the spiral continue. 

The summer was busy (and I’m so glad to have the kitchen done), but it pushed everything to the background.  The kids were home for a week (loved that) and then the reunion (loved that too). Now I’m back at work with something I haven’t taught before so there is way more preparation right now (it will get easier). Mollie comes home today for a week before she heads back to school, so I want to spend time with her.  But I still need some time to look for me too.

All is not lost though.  I have Nick – and that’s major.  Last week, on the seventh, he text me to plan on a surprise weigh in that evening.  That was sweet.  I had managed to keep it slightly below what I’d been right before the eat-fest reunion, so the nice spanking I got was more of a warning to pay attention and not let it get away from me again. It helped me some.

But I still didn’t feel like me. Then Saturday morning I got an email from Nick accusing me of being, “guilty of failure to disclose relevant info”. It seems like I never got around to mentioning Consensual Spanking Day to him.  I thought about it, but he had spanked me the day before and I didn’t want to bother him.  So he took care of it Saturday, along with the interest it has accrued and then on to other fine, fun activities.  I appreciate Nick’s attention.  It helped, nobody’s come back yet, but it helped.

I do have some long conversations with Nick about TTWD and some things I really need or think I need.  I try to explain to him how I think it will really bring us closer. But he doesn’t always agree with me and I’ll have to say his points in the discussion are sound and reasonable.  I guess the biggest problem with these conversations is that they are all taking place in my head and Nick doesn’t know about any of them.  It’s like the old day.  I hate it, but I can’t seem to stop.

Don’t give up on me.  The gang is bound to come dragging in eventually.  I’m also going to try to write out some of the ‘conversations’ Nick and I are having.  I’ve given up on ever being able to have them in person.  It’s impossible for me. Even the thought of trying makes me feel like a deer caught in the headlights.  But I think I can write some of them.  When I get the time, I’ll try.

My thanks to Minelle for nominating me for the Meta Awesomest Blog Unicorn Prize.  If there are ten things I haven’t told about myself in all these years I’m probably never telling, but I have very much enjoyed lurking around and reading everyone else’s.