Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Strange Day

If you are a lurker feel free to stay but this won’t be sexy or funny or anything so please come back later. I’ll be rambling and mostly talking to myself to see what the hell happened to me today. I have spent my life putting on an excellent face of being calm, happy and content and basically I am. If something does bother me I know I can push it down and out of my way. Ignoring my feelings has become a way of life that works quite well. I have my wall nicely built thank you. Coming out to Nick and all the wonderful thing and changes that has happened since then really helped me take several of these walls down but this morning something caused me to smack head first into a wall so old I had forgotten it was there.

I am sitting here in tears and I don’t know why!! I just hope if I keep writing it will come to me. I started this morning with a very sweet email from CeeCi. She had some good suggestions that I would like to try. But within a few minuets I felt panicky and teary and I have stayed that way all day. When I started all this I decided that bad feelings were better than no feelings at all so I have tried to explore instead of suppress. I have always been afraid to ask too many questions about how to do some of the neat things you guys do on your blogs because I didn’t want to look stupid if I couldn’t do it. You get an image of the people you talk with and you guys have quickly become my heroes. And you want your heroes to think you are intelligent.

But that’s not really it either. I do know I can do it. And if I couldn’t who would care!! I know all this. But it stirred up so many old feelings and I really didn’t know they were there.

These are the notes I jotted down at school during planning (no kids)

They are going to find out.

What?

That I’m not as smart as the rest.

Hide, act smart, don’t try anything you might not be able to do.

They will find out.

What?

I’ll be out of the club, on the fringes again.

I’m not the smart one.

I was so scared when I found out Nick had been number one in his graduating class. I found out on our honeymoon. If I had known when we first met I wouldn’t have gone out with him. Because he will find out.

What?

That I’m not good enough.

Alright if you have the rubber room ready I will move in now. I’m sitting there at school going where the hell did all this come from? But I started realizing how many things I have avoided trying because I didn’t want anyone to know I might not be able to do it.

This is not a plea for compliments. I do know that I am intelligent, I teach and I do it well. This isn’t something that I thought was a problem for me and I was shocked at what I have been feeling all day. But I have learned over the years, mostly by journaling, that when you are bother by something you need to capture it on paper – or blog- because once you can see it you can start to realize that its not all that bad. Nothing is as bad as it just rolling around in your head.

I feel some better. Actually I feel exhausted. I do thank CeeCi for unintentionally stirring all this up. Evidently it needed stirring. A special thanks to Eva, she was there when I knew I was losing it and pestered me all day to be sure I posted about it tonight. If she hadn’t I would have shoved it all back down by the time I got home. And one more thank you to Nick who was so sweet to me tonight before I ever posted this. I’m just glad I found Nick and the people in blogland.

Written by PK at 7:04 PM

11 comments

11 Comments:

At 7:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Elis, honey!

What's going on and how can I help??? I haven't even paused to read your weight watcher's post... just want to get to you quickly.

Do you have ANY idea how important you are to all of us already? There is a small but very, very tightly knit group of us spanko bloggers that simply circles around whoever is hurting or needing or wanting and we join collective hands and hold each other tight.

Honestly, truth be told, I literally have NO friends in the real world, except for Dante... I've thrown them all away or pushed them away or wronged them and they are finally all gone.

But here, I can start anew... it doesn't matter in the least what I know or what I don't... my circle of friends online (the same circle as yours!) love me just the same and are always there for me, even when I often can't reciprocate for a while.

It's great to be loved, to feel wanted and needed. You are an integral part of the community... don't you dare ever forget that. Ask me anything you like... I know you've asked before and I've honestly forgotten your questions in my chaotic life lately. For that, I am tremendously sorry. But ask me again... please.

You are in the very best hands with CeeCi but if she is busy or you just want to ask something simple, ask me... I was as ignorant as you just a week or so ago... I'm learning on my feet, thanks to helpful friends like CeeCi and Bonnie and others. I WANT to help you make your blog into exactly what you envision. But please remember one thing, something I learned the hard way... your readers don't come for the blog's appearance... they come for you!! And they will keep coming for you no matter what the blog looks like or whatever you are feeling at the moment.

Email me, please!!!

Big hugs!!! Big ones!
Tiggr

 
At 7:49 PM, Anonymous eva said...

Elis~

You were the ONLY one who answered all my math questions right.... remember?

I don't pick friends based on intelligence but based on feelings... and karma... and we both know it's there between us.

From the moment you told me to "please crawl out of your head" in your first comment on my blog, it's been there... from the moment we both fessed up to each other being teachers, it's been there.

From the things we tell one another in trust and confidence, it's been there. I will help you anytime, anyway I can!! You know that. It has nothing to do with intelligence... it has to do with what you KNOW. For instance... I do not know how to fly a plane and need others to help in that area of my life. It's not about my intelligence.. it's about what I've learned to do.

When it comes to some things on the computer, I am pretty good at it. CeeCi and SuZQ can run circles around all of us and I would not hesitate to ask them to teach me to do something. On the other hand... at our inservice tonight, they covered the ins and outs of our new gradebook program. I already knew all that so I gladly helped the teacher next to me who was begging for help. We all need each other for different reasons. Ask when you want to know how to do something on here. CeeCi loves to help. So do I.... and when I need a recipe for something that is not green I'm calling you!! LOL

Dry the tears and get Nick to give ya a spanking.. that will make you feel better!!!

Love you, my friend....

Eva

 
At 7:53 PM, Anonymous SuZQ said...

Hi Elis,

I'm glad I wasn't the first one to comment on your post, cuz I know you don't know me very well. But I couldn't leave without saying a few things, though, so bear with me.

I really recognize myself in your post today! You know what? I think we all feel that way sometimes... the fear of being "found out" or not being "good enough" or, especially, being "kicked out of the club". Boy, have I ever felt that last one!! We all have our strengths and we all have things we're not as good at. Not being able to do fancy things on your blog doesn't mean you're not smart! You are plenty smart (as you well know). The really important thing about a blog is the content and you have great posts. I love reading your stuff (yesterday's cheerleader post was a hoot!). And you are so brave in "coming out" to Nick. I'm in awe of that and wish I had been as brave and patient with my ex (and also with the guy I'm dating).

And listen... if you want to do some fancy stuff on your blog I'd be glad to help, but not because I don't think you're smart enough, it's because I think of you and all the others my friends. I do this sort of techy stuff for a living, so it comes much easier for me. I couldn't teach a class full of kids if my life depended on it.

I'm glad Eva pestered you into posting this. I know you'll get TONS of support! *big hugs* --SuZQ

 
At 8:56 PM, Anonymous eva said...

And for the record~ I did NOT pester you. I just said that I would post a suggestion on my own blog for Nick! ROFL

 
At 10:07 PM, Blogger CeeCi said...

Elis~Sweet, sweet, Elis~

I'm so very sorry. Please believe me when I say to you, I've never thought you incapable or any such thing. I've only thought of you as delightful, sunny and wonderful.

My offer last night was well intended. When I first began blogging I knew absolutely nothing.
I can't say it loudly enough...NOTHING! I had a hatred of computers that ran deeply through me because of the arrogance and condescension I'd suffered at the hands of my former husband whenever I'd inquire about anything computer related. To begin a blog was a huge leap for me, but I so wanted to be a part of something I'd fallen in love with.

The first time I posted an image, I stumbled through it alone. Then I took a quiz, posted it and blew my blog apart. I cried. I couldn't ask anyone for help, I knew no one...and I didn't want anyone to know how very inadequate I was with what I was doing. After all they would think I was a fraud.

I kept at it, playing with template changes. Little things took me days. I'd destroy my page and have to rebuild it again. I knew nothing about saving or other web browsers. I couldn't ask for help, there wasn't anyone to ask, I thought. When someone would reach out with a suggestion it was often over my head. I was horrified they thought I needed help. Did they think I was some kind of an idiot? I'd cry and keep moving forward.

I know what I know because I wouldn't give up. I've learned what I've learned because I finally found people who I felt safe with, safe enough to say "Please, how do I do this?"

About a month ago I wrote a plea asking for help building a website for MoJo. I had more offers for assistance than I ever thought I'd get. Offers from people I don't even know. Guess what...I still haven't started the site. Know why? Because when I tried and got frustrated I threw up my hands and said "I'm too stupid to do this."

Yes, there is a point to my long ramblings here, Sweet, Sweet Elis...I've been you. I am you. I know the fear. I know how hard it is to admit to not knowing something. Blogger is not the easiest place to get to know. It has forced me to learn things I never wanted to know, but now I do and it was from a place of love I offered my suggestion to you last night.

Now it's my turn to cry. I'm sorry this came up for you when you don't feel well, when you're busy and tired from a long day of doing something I never could. I know I had no way to know how you'd react, but it still doesn't change how very bad I feel to have caused you any discomfort.

You are one of the bright spots in my day. Please don't let any of this change your excitement or happy enthusiasm. I love the person I'm getting to know.

ciao for now~
♥ CeeCi

 
At 10:34 PM, Blogger New Beginnings said...

I don't even have a clue as to how to respond to comments that mean so much to me. I won't be so emotional long. I feel so much better for just having written it all down.

Part of what has drained me so much are the kids this year. I rarely ever have problems with discipline (at least at school) but we have about 5 that are giving me a fit! It is frustrating not to be able to move forward with the lesson because of them.

Please know that nothing any of you said or did caused any of these feelings. They are in here somewhere and must have been there a long time. Maybe it was just the time they needed to come up.

I will be emailing each of you soon.

Much love,
Elis

 
At 3:22 AM, Anonymous Mistress Sky said...

OMG - bless you for being you! We're women, we all feel insecure sometimes (or often). Improving your blog is a learning curve, Elis and lots of blogs I read are beautifully laid out, but they lack human warmth and quality content! Your lacks none of the above. I'm still trying to improve mine - but I also realise that peeps come to read what I write about and look at my naughty pics, more than they come to see my hideous pink background!!! I'm still learning too, hun, so there's hope for all of us. Just imagine, if we didn't have amazing blogs like CeeCi's - what would we have to aim for???
As a teacher, you'll know all about goals! I think you've already reached an amazing amount of them.

Huggggggggggssssssssssss
Sky

 
At 11:43 AM, Blogger Paul said...

Dearest Elis, everyone at sometime or another feels insecure, even Dom's.
I read you because you are intelligent, innovative and brave, how your template looks is well down the list.
Even at my age there's lots that I don't know, when I have a problem that I can't handle, I find someone who can.
We are all born knowing nothing, we all have to learn, you have done more than your fair share of learning.
I like you dear girl not for your intellect but for your heart and spirit.
You are a TEATCHER and as such, in my view, a very valuable member of society.
So dear Elis, hold your head up high, look the world in the eye, and say, I'm as good as any of you, and dear girl you certainly are. Check that out with Nick.
Big warm hugs,
Paul.

 
At 8:39 PM, Blogger Cassie said...

Elis,
You are intelligent, funny, complex and compassionate. You teach, you have raised two beautiful children. Stop right there you have done enough. Anything else is icing on the cake. Check you email.

Love you,
Cassie

 
At 6:15 AM, Blogger aaron21 said...

Sorry to hear that that day was a bad day. The html is pretty frustrating at first..and can be hard. There are umm online guides and such. But, whatever you do ALWAYS save what you have already that you KNOW will work. That way you can always fall back onto it and know that while you want it changed..it's workable.

 
At 2:37 PM, Anonymous Bonnie said...

Elis,

I'm sorry I'm late to the party, but I wanted to add a few thoughts.

First, no one is going to kick anyone out of anything. You're a valuable member of our community. That's not going to change.

Secondly, smart? Even if what your fears were true (they aren't), what would that have to do with anything? Your story is delightfully sweet and compelling. Enough said.

Finally, our abilities with Blogger have no relationship to our value as bloggers. I am first and always a writer. Even after a year, I still struggle to present my work in an attractive, or at least distinctive, package. For me, it's the words that matter most, and your words are always excellent.

You're better than good enough! Please feel free to write me anytime.

Hugs,
Bonnie

 

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