I don’t know if I want to write this or not but evidently I did. I am still wondering about discipline. It’s the aspect of this new lifestyle that I am most confused about. It is still something I crave. It is not really in Nick’s nature. I pretty much took care of the discipline of the kids when they were little. I am a bit of a push over too so I’m glad that they were both basically good kids because being super strict is not something that comes naturally to either of us.
Nick has always treated me with total love and respect and assumes I have the good sense to know what I should do in any given situation. About most things he is absolute right. I have made good life choices. I married him, I returned to college and have a career that I love, and together we have raised two well adjusted kids. In the past 5 years decisions have attacked me pretty hard. Having to decide that my wonderful, funny, and in the past, extremely competent father should no longer drive and having to tell him. To decide when my sweet, sweet mother was so ill whether to hospitalize her or to let her die in peace at home. I had to decide that my father could no longer live in the home they had built together over 50 years before. And finally, when his doctor dropped the ball, how to get my father under hospice care and all the ensuing issues at the end of his life. I was the daughter that lived here; it was left up to me. Being the grown up and making the decisions sucks!!!!
So maybe now I’m sick of decisions. I seem to be able to do what is best for everyone but me. I don’t take care of the family like I should. For the most part I don’t clean, I don’t cook, I don’t get the laundry put away. I know with three of us here it is not all my responsibility but I also know that I really don’t do my share. I don’t eat right; I am not going to the gym like I did for awhile and I just can’t go back to Weight Watchers. The meetings were driving me crazy!! I can’t seem to consistently make myself take care of myself. But do I want Nick to tell me what I should do like having to go to the gym so many days a week?
Do I really want anyone to tell me what to do? I’m damn near 50 years old. Do I want to be told what to do in certain aspect of my life or not? And if I say yes now what happens in a month or so if I’m in a pissy mood and don’t feel like playing. Will I bite Nick’s head off and if so how will he react. Will he back off or bust my ass? Will he remember what I’m saying now or listen to what I might be saying then. Am I trying to push him into something that he is not comfortable with? Do I want Nick to take charge only as long as he never tries to tell me what to do?
All the self help books say “To lose weight you must want to do in for yourself. You can’t do it because someone else wants you to.” It makes sense, but maybe that is not how my hard wiring works. I have know for 20 years that I should lose weight and change some habits for my own well being and I haven’t done it. If I won’t do it just out of common sense, would I do it if I thought Nick would give me a serious spanking if I didn’t? I don’t know.
With things going so good (and they are GOOD) why do I want more? Exactly what is it I want? Protection from myself? Someone who will push me to do my best? How could we even do discipline if we wanted to, since we never know when we will have privacy? Do I just want to know that he cares enough to try to figure this out when I have no idea what I actually want from him?
I am writing this before out trip. Am I actually going to publish it?