I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Thursday, September 21, 2006

What do I want?

I don’t know if I want to write this or not but evidently I did. I am still wondering about discipline. It’s the aspect of this new lifestyle that I am most confused about. It is still something I crave. It is not really in Nick’s nature. I pretty much took care of the discipline of the kids when they were little. I am a bit of a push over too so I’m glad that they were both basically good kids because being super strict is not something that comes naturally to either of us.

Nick has always treated me with total love and respect and assumes I have the good sense to know what I should do in any given situation. About most things he is absolute right. I have made good life choices. I married him, I returned to college and have a career that I love, and together we have raised two well adjusted kids. In the past 5 years decisions have attacked me pretty hard. Having to decide that my wonderful, funny, and in the past, extremely competent father should no longer drive and having to tell him. To decide when my sweet, sweet mother was so ill whether to hospitalize her or to let her die in peace at home. I had to decide that my father could no longer live in the home they had built together over 50 years before. And finally, when his doctor dropped the ball, how to get my father under hospice care and all the ensuing issues at the end of his life. I was the daughter that lived here; it was left up to me. Being the grown up and making the decisions sucks!!!!

So maybe now I’m sick of decisions. I seem to be able to do what is best for everyone but me. I don’t take care of the family like I should. For the most part I don’t clean, I don’t cook, I don’t get the laundry put away. I know with three of us here it is not all my responsibility but I also know that I really don’t do my share. I don’t eat right; I am not going to the gym like I did for awhile and I just can’t go back to Weight Watchers. The meetings were driving me crazy!! I can’t seem to consistently make myself take care of myself. But do I want Nick to tell me what I should do like having to go to the gym so many days a week?

Yes.

No.

Do I really want anyone to tell me what to do? I’m damn near 50 years old. Do I want to be told what to do in certain aspect of my life or not? And if I say yes now what happens in a month or so if I’m in a pissy mood and don’t feel like playing. Will I bite Nick’s head off and if so how will he react. Will he back off or bust my ass? Will he remember what I’m saying now or listen to what I might be saying then. Am I trying to push him into something that he is not comfortable with? Do I want Nick to take charge only as long as he never tries to tell me what to do?

No.

Yes.

All the self help books say “To lose weight you must want to do in for yourself. You can’t do it because someone else wants you to.” It makes sense, but maybe that is not how my hard wiring works. I have know for 20 years that I should lose weight and change some habits for my own well being and I haven’t done it. If I won’t do it just out of common sense, would I do it if I thought Nick would give me a serious spanking if I didn’t? I don’t know.

With things going so good (and they are GOOD) why do I want more? Exactly what is it I want? Protection from myself? Someone who will push me to do my best? How could we even do discipline if we wanted to, since we never know when we will have privacy? Do I just want to know that he cares enough to try to figure this out when I have no idea what I actually want from him?

I am writing this before out trip. Am I actually going to publish it?

No

Yes.

Maybe.

8 comments:

  1. You are describing my relationship in discipline with HonBun. I require the discipline to keep me focused, on the right path. I slack off. I postpone. I "forget". All excuses for not being an adult. Now, what works in our situation is that I don't get a thrill out of spanking. So, I behave to avoid it. And it works for me. HonBun is no slouch! I get what I deserve. You need to make another decision, do you require discipline in order to maintain your goals, dreams? D :)

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  2. I am not believing what I am reading. It is like you read my mind. I'm in the same boat. The single daughter,nurse at that, I had to make all the decisions with my parents. For 18 years I have had to make all the decisions for me, Michael, the house, cats. Every single decision. I'm tired, and I don't take care of myself either. I do the laundry, but I also don't put it away. And that is about all I do anymore. But I know I do want the discipline, I do want the structure. I do, I do. I do. I think you do to, but I imagine it will be an adjustment.

    I can't believe you are going on a trip! You'll understand when you get back and read my post.

    Theresa

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  3. Elis, I think you've got the getting older blues! Your post reminded me of how I felt when I found those "vintage"-style pics I posted....I felt like you do, a bit down, a bit frumpy, but you will find your motivation where you least expect it.
    As far as the discipline goes, be careful what you wish for....but you already know that, don't you?
    It is in the very nature of us, that we always want more than we have. I have been where you are and I couldn't do the discipline thing - but then my spankings are ultimately foreplay, which enhance our sex life!
    Huge Huggggggssssssss
    Sky

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  4. Sweetie, you've come to the point that most of us come to at some point in our spanking lives.

    Do I really want to be told what to do? yes, no, maybe, I-don't-know!

    We are adults, we are grown women. So why do we need spanking? Why do we want it, and then spend endless amounts of time questioning what we want? Why is it so hard to just accept the way we are?

    Who knows? I wish I could figure out the answers to these questions.

    Hang in there, seeing as how everything is really GOOD right now, just enjoy what you've got. You and Nick will figure it out together.

    Hugs!
    grace

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  5. Elis,
    conundrums we all face ! Being used to being in control yet wishing someone else would make the decisions yet not really wanting to be bossed around yet...
    You said it very well.
    Sincerely,
    Anne Elizabeth

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  6. Elis~ Sometimes I want spanked when I want it. And bossed around when I want it. And disciplined.... when i want it. Problem is, he doesn't really read my mind very well to know just when I want it. I've finally reached the point where I just tell him. There's a tradeoff though. I've promised myself to endure the spankings that I don't want. That ones he chooses for me. Who knew that after a few swats, I always seem to want what he wants.

    It's not about any set rules... it's about what works for us. And what works for you. And Nick. I think you are doing great. Just keep doing what you're doing and you'll grow like crazy with it.

    Eva

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  7. Elis, so many of the other commenter's are right, but each couple are different, what was right for me and Mel wouldn't necessarily be right for you and Nick.
    Communication is always the key, talk to Nick about it, be honest about your needs,your doubts, your fears.
    This is something that arises in all D D relationships and is something that only the couple involved can solve.
    Warm hugs,
    Paul.

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  8. Diane,
    That is really what I don't know. I just wish I could get it together.

    Theresa,
    Yeah I want the sturcture too, except when I don't!

    Sky,
    The pictures did give me a moment of pause. BTW, you voice has been sounding in my ear all evening!

    Grace,
    My feeling are conflicted and often up and down. But at least I am thinking and feeling and that is so much better than the way I used to be.

    Anne Elizabeth,
    I may be able to say it, but I wish I could understand it.

    Eva,
    You are right. Too bad about their inability to read minds. It sure would help! Please reread you comment for yourself now!!

    Paul,
    You hit it right on the head. Sometimes reading what other post it makes you think "Yes this or that is what I want!" But ultimately it will have to be what works for us and only us.

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