Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Spankings are one thing, but this hurt

I wasn’t sure I was going to write this, but here is where I sort out my emotions and this feeling hit hard and fast I didn’t even know it was there. I’ve said I worried about my weight because of health reasons, and that is the main reason. But evidently that’s not the only thing that’s bothering me.

Sunday night I went to our church to hear a singer.  Nick stayed home. This singer used to be a church member when I was a kid and although he’s about eight years older than me, he was my first crush. They moved away when I was ten and he came back with his wife and baby when I was sixteen. I still had a crush on him, and he flirted with me a bit then – I was a cutie as a teenager. 

They were gone again when I was eighteen. My crush had burned itself out. I’ve seen him a time or two since, but not in the past twenty years. I was looking forward to speaking to him at the dinner after the concert and seeing how his kid were doing, but that didn’t happen. Something hit me as I walked in – I felt fat and frumpy and ugly.  I wasn’t expecting it, it hit from nowhere. But it hit hard. Looking over at my first crush I could plainly see that he wasn’t exactly a stud anymore – he had white shaggy hair and a bit of a gut himself, but I wasn’t interested in what he looked like, I was too busy feeling bad about myself.

So I never went over to speak to him. I listened to him sing, and then I left without going to the dinner. I couldn’t decide which would be worse; that he wouldn’t remember me or that he would remember and see what a fat mess I’ve become.

Written by PK at 5:30 PM

37 comments

37 Comments:

At 12:17 AM, Blogger Cat said...

Oh PK...sitting here with tears in my eyes...I am so sorry you feel this way. I hope that Nick can help you feel better about yourself. Sending lots of positive energy.

Hugs and Blessings...
Cat

 
At 6:44 AM, Blogger Roz said...

(((Hugs))) PK, I am so sorry you felt like this and hope too that Nick can help you to feel better.

Hugs
Roz

 
At 7:05 AM, Blogger Katie said...

BIG HUGS sent your way PK!! :) I'm sorry that you felt this way at the event. I hope that moving forward you are able to do the things that you can to help you to feel better about you. To feel healthy and confident for you. Here's the thing though- I had the pleasure of meeting you a few months back, when the chips were so down in my world. The woman that I met was not any of those things- not on first impression or after four hours of joyful conversation. The woman that I met was beautiful, well dressed, kind, fun, and had a heart of gold. That's what your old friend would have seen. Believe it. I did! And I look forward to another visit one day. Don't let those kind of thoughts stop you from sharing all that you are. ;)

Sorry I haven't been around. I'm hoping things even out at best, and I can be active around once more. In the meantime, know that I am thinking of you, am SO happy that Nick responded to your letter and that he has stepped up for you!!! SO wonderful that you told him!! Feel good. Love and hugs sent your way,

<3 Katie

 
At 7:40 AM, Blogger Minelle Labraun said...

Oh PK , I know that is not how you look! I am sorry you feel that way, because it can be so hard to fight our way out!
However even though we haven't met, I echo Katie's sentiments whole heartedly!

I will also tell you that when I feel like that, I need to do something to make me see myself as beautiful. Try something that does that!

 
At 8:23 AM, Blogger Leigh Smith said...

You are not fat and frumpy. Remember, I've seen you. You may be a little heavier and older than when you last saw him, but you are far from your picture of yourself, you're a bright, kind hearted person and that's so much more important than anything else.

Don't be disheartened. If you want to change your outer image, that's fine but it's your inner image that makes you you and that's what people see and love. Just ask Nick he loves you, not the picture you painted in this post.

 
At 9:21 AM, Blogger abby said...

I echo all the above, and friends see the 'inner' you...the you that counts. I have never had the pleasure of meeting you in person, but i know that the 'outer' you is not as you described.....hang in there!
hugs abby

 
At 9:57 AM, Blogger sub hub in phx said...

Darling, we all are not as much of a "cutie" as we were. That being said, there is absolutely nothing sexier than a woman who feels like she is sexy. Nothing! You'll get there and when you do, you'll love how sexy you are.

 
At 11:04 AM, Anonymous Jon said...

PK, smile & breathe.

"Perception is reality" is a cliché that is cliché that is both very true and totally false. That others don't see you or think of you the way you feel is clear - and true - from the comments above. That your mental vision of yourself was as describe is no doubt true - as a mental vision. Yesterday.

Just for today set yourself a small goal. One more compliment to a random stranger ("great top"), one more savoring of the world around you ("weirdly twisted tree ... wonder how nature did that"), one more physical success ("take the stairs both up and down this time"), one more professional step ("plan what bang up thing I wilI do to engage my students the Monday after Thanksgiving recess"), and/or one food step. ("Half the meat, twice the veggies" or "buy carrots and slice; store in cold water.")
Repeat. One day at a time.
With warm wishes, Jon

 
At 11:36 AM, Blogger Ami Starsong said...

You are NOT to think in this way, PK! I positively forbid it!

Having said that, I truly sympathise about the ageing process. I started crying and moaning the other day about my appearance to Dan, and ended up getting spanked about it. I am getting that I feel very jealous about all these beautiful young things sashaying about, but there isn't a lot I can do about it.

You NEED a trip to Italy. It will open you eyes to just how sexy older women, who are shall we say, a little broader on the beam than they were thirty years before, look. As Monty Python used to say "Always look on the bright side of life!"

Lots of hugs
Ami

 
At 1:39 PM, Anonymous Jon said...

I remember Italy ... Ami is right. Sexy is the new "a certain age." With a smile, Jon

 
At 3:01 PM, Blogger Florida Dom said...

You should get a good spanking for feeling that way about yourself. You are a wonderful woman, a wonderful wife and mother and author and I am sure he would have been happy to see you. Promise yourself you will start thinking positive thoughts about yourself.

FD

 
At 4:12 PM, Blogger Blondie said...

I agree with Florida Dom

 
At 5:40 PM, Blogger Downunder Don said...

Its all a matter of perspective. Some days I feel old, tired and blobby,the next day I feel fit and energetic. Weight difference; zero. Any change in life style that focuses on your self perception will fail, but your self perception may force a change of life style with wonderful, positive results.

As Florida Dom said, think positive thoughts. From there all things are possible

 
At 9:22 PM, Blogger PK said...

I didn't tell Nick about it. I really appreciate the positive energy,

 
At 9:23 PM, Blogger PK said...

I don't think Nick would have understood what I was feeling. I don't feel that way all the time - I can usually fight it off, but I couldn't that time.

 
At 9:44 PM, Blogger PK said...

Katie, you're good for me. It's like when you get a new hair do a couple dozen people can tell you it looks great, but if one says it awful, in your head you're saying, "Finally, someone was honest!"

I'm usually the only one who say ugly, unkind things to me. If it were anyone else, I'd just stay away. Most of the time I can just block it. The other night I couldn't.

I appreciate everything you said.

 
At 9:47 PM, Blogger PK said...

Thanks Minelle I'm afraid I haven't seen myself as beautiful in a long time. I just wish weight loss could be done quickly.

 
At 10:05 PM, Blogger PK said...

Leigh, I do thank you. This will go away - or I'll hide it and try to ignore it. I hope it was a momentary feeling and maybe as I lose a little I'll start feeling better in general.

 
At 10:16 PM, Blogger PK said...

Abby I think that's one thing I like about on line - some here have seen me, but I think I type much skinner than I look in person!

 
At 10:22 PM, Blogger PK said...

But how, how, how do I make myself 'feel' sexy?

 
At 11:13 PM, Blogger PK said...

Thank you for taking the time Jon. I really am trying to concentrate on little things I can do that will be positive.

 
At 11:19 PM, Blogger PK said...

I wish I could moan and grown more - I keep everything inside, I only tell you guys so I don't get spanked for such thing. I doubt we'll be getting to Italy any time soon, but I'm working on it.

 
At 11:19 PM, Blogger PK said...

:)

 
At 11:21 PM, Blogger PK said...

Bless your heart, you're speaking my language. Unfortunately, that's not happening for this. I'm working on it honest.

 
At 11:21 PM, Blogger PK said...

Thanks Blondie.

 
At 11:24 PM, Blogger PK said...

Don,
You're right about how you can feel from one day to the next. But we're not coming into the best season for positive thought. Staying in bed and pulling the covers over my head often sound good. Can't let it happen though.

 
At 1:11 AM, Blogger Meg said...

PK, after reading all these great comments I hope you are doing better. I can certainy relate to how you were feeling. My approach has been little steps to make me feel good. Wearing my favorite color, putting on little dangly earrings, taking a short walk .. nothing major, just shaking up my routine a little. I need to get my own weight loss effort going again before cold weather sets in. Wishing success to both of us.

Take care,
Meg

 
At 5:43 AM, Blogger an English Rose said...

Hi PK, oh bless you. None of us are as cute as we were are we? I have lost weight but I haven't lost any years!! The thing you are forgetting here is that Nick loves you as you are now. As the weight comes off you will start to feel better but these things do take time and at least now you have started. I think maybe a shopping trip for some new clothes is coming up, that always helps ,
Lots of love and sympathy Jan,xx

 
At 3:23 PM, Blogger Mona Lisa said...

Pk, nothing is as it was before.

Are you happy? I think you are happy, you have a husband who loves you, the children you have managed to raise them well. Your health is quite ok.

Do you know what men consider beautiful on a woman?
When she is happy, she is beautiful. Happiness is then shown in her eyes. That is what catches a man. Happy women are beautiful women. This is not from my head. There's Bas who has said it. And he knew what he was talking about, right? With all his wisdom.

 
At 6:44 PM, Blogger submanhub said...

As we get older we are not as physically beautiful as we once were. I think we need to be careful not to let fear of what we think others think overwhelm us. As I look back on my life there are some regrets of opportunities missed. I did not do something because of something if that makes sense.

So sure I take into consideration what others think but not let it control me. Like I don't want to so things that make others feel real uncomfortable but also what they think is up to them. And the next thing is I try not to miss out on things.

Sorry to preach.

Sorry to hear that you left not having spoken to him.

Consider next time a deep breath and go up and say hello.

Best of luck

 
At 7:43 PM, Blogger PK said...

Thanks for coming by Meg, I'm better, but I can't seem to get with it - I want to go to bed for a month or so. I don't want to feel that way but I haven't hit on the spark to get me going.

 
At 7:48 PM, Blogger PK said...

Hey Jan, I'm afraid the shopping trip will be a while in the future, shopping right now is not something that raises my spirits. Age doesn't bother me - I know too many truly old women, late 80 and 90 that I think are beautiful. For me it's definitely the weight and not a soul can do anything about it but me. If my knees weren't so stiff I'd try kicking myself in the butt.

 
At 7:52 PM, Blogger PK said...

You are totally right Mona - I do know that and I know I have every reason to be happy, marvelous husband and children, good job, my health - I am so grateful. I do know Bas would agree with you and I know how kind and wise he was. Why am I down and why am I down on myself? I don't know, but I'm still trying to find my way out.

 
At 9:07 PM, Blogger PK said...

I know, right now I'm still happy that I didn't talk to him. I may regret it someday. A different night, a different mood, it might have been all right.

 
At 9:14 PM, Blogger George K said...

PK, Hollywood and fashion magazines create an illusion of what is SUPPOSED to be sexy and beautiful for both woman and men. It is hard to ignore it because it relentlessly bombards us in television, movies and magazines.

18-25 year old boys are the only ones who judge a person by that standard alone. I am personally attracted to a smile and a happy countenance when I meet someone new and we all can possess that regardless of how far afield we are from the image makers fantasy ideas of what is pretty.

Show'em your smile and you can warm any heart my friend.

Hugs and Blessings,
George

 
At 9:48 PM, Blogger PK said...

Thanks George, you are right, I really know that. Most of the time I feel that I can pull off that smile whether I feel it inside or not. That evening I wasn't able to. I appreciate you coming by.

 
At 10:30 AM, Blogger sharon Charles said...

PK,

That feeling of not looking like you did when you were younger has been experienced by so many people. The truth is we all get older, it is part of the cycle of life. I have to tell myself everyday, do not long for what was-enjoy what is.

Although I have never met you and only know you from your wonderful Cassie story and your blog I know in my heart that you are a beautiful person. Don't be ashamed of your body, it is the glow of your heart that everyone see. Hugs, Sharon

 

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