Sunday, March 03, 2013

It's That Simple

My husband loves me. I know he does. We enjoy one another.  To slip in bed at night and have him wrap his warm arms around me and pull me to him is pure bliss.  He doesn’t understand TTWD or why I need it so, but as soon as I asked him to try he jumped right in, and though it’s not a spankfest around here every day, he has kept it up for nearly seven years.  In fact I walked in from work Friday to see that damn cane hanging on the basement door – some greeting! LOL!

We don’t do discipline.  But over the years I have asked his help with my weight issues, eating healthier, exercising, etc.  This has only been at my request.  For the first 23 years of marriage, as I gradually gained nearly a hundred pounds, he never said one word.  He just continued to love and accept me exactly as I was.  I was the one who ask him to use TTWD to help me do the things I need to do to get healthier. And he does his best to do just that.

There are some problems –I confuse Nick a lot.  I’m realizing that now.  I want Nick to spank me when I gain or don’t make some progress in losing, when he sees that I’m not doing anything to exercise or become more active.  Traditionally spankings are for punishment.  I don’t do what I’m supposed to and I get spanked.  But… I love to be spanked, so is spanking a reward for me?  I know Nick has puzzled over this at times.

In our relationship, however, it’s not really discipline, we don’t do discipline.  Our marriage is not one of dominance and submission (although I really don’t mind a little of this thrown in for fun and excitement).  We don’t have any issues with power exchange or control, but I still struggled trying to explain my needs to Nicks.  Maybe my problem is trying to explain why I need it.  I think Nick may really needs a reason to spank unless it’s foreplay.  But the reasons, even if we really understood them, still don’t matter.

Bas has been very helpful in helping me understand some things.  He’s pointed out some of the many ways that I may be confusing Nick.  Bas has pointed out that because of Nick’s love for me he does not want to hurt me – mentally, emotionally or physically.  All this is true.  Even when we ‘have a talk’ about these issues, he seems hesitant to spank very much.  Although I know that what I really need a hard spanking – one that last a while, one that hurts, one that I’m going to feel the next day – Nick just spanks a little, because he doesn’t want to hurt me.  It’s a quandary, I want, and need, the pain and he doesn’t want to hurt me.  What’s a loving TTWD couple supposed to do?

I can tell you when he spanks, I feel more like exercising, I feel like watching what I eat and making a true effort to do better.  When my bottom is sore and tender and hot – even if I’m sporting stripes from that stupid cane, I feel happy and loved.  It’s that simple for me – I am not speaking for all spanko or spank-nos, I’m just speaking for me.  And the bottom line is - I need Nick to spank me harder, longer and more often.  When he does I am happy, when he doesn’t I fall into a funk.  It’s that simple.

Written by PK at 5:00 PM



At 12:55 AM, Blogger TL Bucko said...

PK, I can completely relate to this. Bucko doesn't always understand what I want and need, but he tries. I feel the same way. I actually mentioned to Bucko the other day I was struggling with the health issues and wanted more from him in that department. I hope you get what you need.


At 1:30 AM, Blogger Lea said...

I'd suggest to show him this post if he doesn't already read it. "And the bottom line is - I need Nick to spank me harder, longer and more often. When he does I am happy, when he doesn’t I fall into a funk. It’s that simple." That says it all.

I understand how hard it is to express these things to our partners. My ex-husband was vanilla, definitely not a spanko. He really did try though because he wanted to fulfill my needs. The communication with that was an ongoing process, and I totally understand your point of him not wanting to really hurt you.

At 1:53 AM, Blogger Cat said...

Hey PK...Lea has a very good suggestion...have Nick read this. We all have different needs and don't understand the why's...they just are. Just as we all have different tastes in food...why do I love shrimp when someone else hates it...why do I hate brussel sprouts when someone else loves just is. Tell Nick not to think of it as 'hurting' you but as giving you what you truly need...maybe that will help. Good luck.


At 4:09 AM, Blogger an English Rose said...

Hi P.K. That is exactly how I feel. I am hoping to get my hubby to read this post, he's not keen on blogging though. Seven years is good going though, keep up the good jan,xxx

At 4:15 AM, Blogger DelFonte said...

I too would like longer, harder, more often. Most times when he stops I emit a tiny disappointed 'oh'. I have to respect he doesn't want to hurt me and it is a healthy viewpoint for him to have in his mind. I know I shouldn't push him to do something he doesn't feel comfortable about doing. It would be counterproductive for both of us. I do try to reassure afterwards that I liked the discomfort, making a point of commenting on my lovely sore bum and the glow from it. The problem is I'm not very good at describing the emotional outcome to him and that is probably where the stumbling block really is. How to explain to him spanking me makes me come alive when I don't know why myself? So spanking stays in the bed and nowhere else and to be honest it's OK, it's better than nothing at all.

At 6:07 AM, Blogger Paul said...

I really can't add to what has already been said.
My wife has been ill for a long time, we don't play any more.
I'm sure that you will work it out, you usually do.
Love and warm hugs,

At 7:57 AM, Blogger Terpsichore said...

If only it was that simply for our guys :-) Hugs to you, friend!

At 8:53 AM, Blogger Florida Dom said...

Maybe you should try complimentng him more when he does spank you, telling him how much you loved the spanking and how him taking the time to spank you makes you feel loved. Anyway, good luck.


At 8:57 AM, Blogger Florida Dom said...

Just an added thought. Maybe if you were saying, "Oh, that was good, I need more, keep it up'' while he is spanking might help give him more incentive.


At 9:28 AM, Blogger abby said...

Simple things can be so complicated. It sounds like you are in a good place right now...enjoy it, an let Nick know you are and why.
hugs abby

At 10:04 AM, Blogger sunnygirl said...

PK, what can I say that hasn't been said. Maybe Nick will read here and take heart. If not, do the best you can and enjoy what you do have together. It can end in a heartbeat.

At 11:02 AM, Blogger PK said...

Just want to throw in here that I am in good place and not at all upset with Nick - he's helping me and I appreciate it so very much. I have asked him to read this post and just pointed out to him that to feel their best some people need Prozac - I need spanking, soooo much cheaper!!

At 11:20 AM, Blogger Ami Starsong said...

PK you have just said it all for me! I don't want thrashing to death - my butt isn't nearly as tough as some of yours who have been at this for much longer - but I would quite like to up the ante a bit. Starman just hates it when I start to cry. But for me it's therapeutic crying. And he could help me with my weight and fitness if he wanted. I know we are going well, but it's hard to explain that feeling inside isn't it? It's all tied up with this 'not wanting to hurt us' thing. I admire you using the cane. I only had it across my hands at school and that's lasted me a lifetime!

The other issue is that if I suggest too much, am I then 'the tail wagging the dog'? Control issues start to surface again. It's getting so that I do my best not to cry, despite the fact that I need it, and then he continues a bit longer. I assure him I love it and that it's not going to kill me. But....

If you have any suggestions to make to help out a relative beginner (compared with all your years at it), please email me PK! I'd love to know the answers. And you said Bas sent you some good advice!

Many hugs,


At 4:15 PM, Blogger Minelle Labraun said...

So confusing and yet so simple! We are all very different and yet in many ways very much the same. It is like the non-consent but with consent....
I think you have it though, and Nick loves you...and I bet he enjoys it more than you think....maybe we all try and think about it too much and that's the problem.
Keep on doing all you are doing!

At 11:13 PM, Blogger PK said...

I have a hard time understanding so I know why they do. I think we all need to stop trying to understand and just go with it!

At 11:17 PM, Blogger PK said...

I did ask him to read and I'm sure he will. I've been trying to email him more often with thought and ideas. He always seems opened to my ideas. He is a terrific guy - whether he spanks often or not.

At 11:19 PM, Blogger PK said...

Yes he is opened to reading and I did ask him to read this one. I wish he would think of it as a mental health session.

At 11:20 PM, Blogger PK said...

I think we're doing pretty good. Just the fact that he is still willing to listen and try after all these years says tons.

At 11:25 PM, Blogger PK said...

I think many of us are in the same place. It's not a bad place at all, but we can still work on making things better. If more makes us happier then our men will be happier too. Baby steps.

At 11:26 PM, Blogger PK said...

With Nick being such a good guy, I don't really worry. I'm more in discussion mode.

At 11:27 PM, Blogger PK said...

We'll just keep telling them.

At 11:30 PM, Blogger PK said...

I do try. I feel he does see the results.

At 11:31 PM, Blogger PK said...

As much as I need it and LOVE it, it's still hard to ask for more as it's happening - even when I'm disappointed when he stops.

At 11:32 PM, Blogger PK said...

We are in a good place and I'm enjoying it. I'm trying to let him know more.

At 11:34 PM, Blogger PK said...

I'm really happy with where we are and I am aware of how very lucky we are.

At 11:39 PM, Blogger PK said...

I'm sure no expert, but I'd love to talk more by email. I would say to talk to him in a calm time when you are not about to be spanked to explain to him again that you need a good cry and that spanking really helps you get there. And how much you appreciate him helping you get there even though it's a little hard on him.

I don't really worry about topping from the bottom anymore. As I said we don't worry much about control or topping - I feel like all TTWD is my idea, I'm the one who has thought about it for life and since I asked for it it's my responsibility to help him understand what I need.

At 11:48 PM, Blogger PK said...

I know Nick does enjoy it. May not understand all of it, but he enjoys. And that's great!

At 2:42 AM, Blogger kiwigirliegirl said...

spanking instead of prozac - love it PK. I so understand how we can confuse our HOH with this....we are spankos but want spanking as a can it be a punishment they must think. But funnily enough it is isnt it...i think it stems from the knowing we have done something wrong...and it always hurts just that little bit more when we know its a punishment.
i know is hard but keep asking when you husband doesnt like to hurt me or make me cry - but he is happy to do it because it makes me happy...and he often tells me to just ask...i still struggle mind you. Im glad nick is doing what you need though :)

At 7:16 AM, Blogger Roz said...

PK, I'm sorry I am late to this. I haven't read the comments so am probably repeating what has been said. It's great that Nick gives you what you need and I understand completely where you are coming from. You need to step it up to help you with your goals.

I hope he has read this post. Your last paragraph says it all.


At 10:03 AM, Blogger ronnie said...

Your last paragraph says it all. Have you ever told Nick this?


At 4:51 PM, Anonymous Sally said...

Have you ever considered maintenance spankings? I know that maintenance spankings generally fall under the DD category, but they just might work for you. Since you say that when he spanks you, you feel more motivated, more frequent spankings will help keep you satisfied and eager to complete your goals. This way, you don't have to wait for an infraction (e.g. not meeting your weight loss goals) in order to be spanked. Just a thought!

At 10:47 PM, Blogger PK said...

He's spanking more and I really do appreciate it. And unlike Prozac it only has good side effects.

At 10:49 PM, Blogger PK said...

I asked him to read and I'm pretty sure he did. I'm exercising more and he's spanking more. Hope we both keep it up.

At 10:51 PM, Blogger PK said...

He knows - and he seems to be giving it some thought.

At 10:53 PM, Blogger PK said...

We've talked about it and I am very opened to it, but Nick never seemed to take to the idea. I'd like to do it, but he seems to be setting the pace. Glad you came by.

At 1:49 PM, Blogger ians mrs said...

It is one of the most difficult things about myself that I have ever tried to unravel.....why do I need this? I love the erotic, hate the punishment, but I am so much more focused and alive when I am tended to in that way.
Sometimes I am angry at myself for being this way, but lately I have been trying to just accept it.
It has to be confusing for our men. Ian has talked about the difficulty knowing that he has to hurt me, to make me feel whole.
I guess we are just lucky to have men that love us and want to help.

At 3:32 PM, Blogger Bas said...

Go Nick! Let PK do all the worrying and thinking. You do the spanking whenever you like to do that.


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