Before you read this, which, after I wrote it came off sounding so sad at the beginning – please know that I am happy and content. My only ‘problem’ is sitting on a slightly sore bottom that is sporting stupid cane stripes… but I’m getting ahead of the story.
How long do you have to be married? How long to you have to do TTWD? How many years do you have to blog about it all before you understand the person you married and put your trust in them? I can’t answer those questions because I obviously don’t know the answer. Let’s just say that the answer is longer than I’ve been doing any of it.
I gained weight this week. I know I’ve talked as much about weight here as I do spanking. It should have been a problem I put behind me long ago, but it still there. I can honestly say that I don’t think the way I look bothers Nick in the least. Its never seemed to – but when the weight depresses me, when my knees hurt, when I have to take BP medicine, when we know I’m pre-diabetic, I know those things bother him a great deal and of course they bother me too.
My feelings were hurt some Friday. Nick often emails after he sees what I weigh, sometimes congratulation, sometime a threat of what’s to come, but usually an email. I didn’t get one and I blamed it on March Madness (For some that might mean basketball, for me it’s being pissed that the stupid games are taking my shows off TV and contributed to my feelings of being ignored by my husband.)
So he’d didn’t mention the weight Friday evening, never mentioned going out to eat as we usually do, fixed him some supper and watched TV. Although he never suspected, I was hurt and I bitched to a few friends on line about it.
Despite all I woke in a pretty good mood Saturday morning after some strange dreams. I told one to Nick after breakfast (my mom said never tell a dream before breakfast or it will come true). In it, I was driving along a country road when suddenly the road ended and the car flew off a high cliff. No way to go back – flying through the air to a certain death. But when the car landed I was fine and walked away.
Later that morning after putting away some laundry (yes I really did!) I was reaching for my computer when Nick stopped me. He told me to come back to the bedroom for some dream interpretation. He said the thought that flying over the cliff might have been the way my weigh flew over a number we didn’t want to ever see again, didn’t creep over, mind you – it flew over! He asked me if I’d like to weigh again to see was it was that morning – so dangerous, not that I thought it had gone up any, but I always weigh in the nude and at that moment I felt it was important to try and keep my pants on.
That part was a battle I’d lose anyway so I undressed and weigh again. I was down over a pound from the day before (I hate our scales, they are so screwy) and he said that was better, but not to bother dressing again.
It was a hard spanking – not much warm up, and very hard. It hurt and I didn’t like it – and that’s not a complaint, just a simple fact. It did help, and it was what I needed. And maybe the biggest part was knowing he still wasn’t giving up on me despite the fact that I seem to be making little headway and wasn’t giving it my best effort.
He just had to finish off with that stupid cane! If he wants to use that hateful thing he’s going to need to change sides half way through – I’m striped like a zebra on one side while the other is unscathed. But I know what took away most of the sting, it was what he said afterward. He said, “Do you know how much I love you?” It made me stop and realize that yes I do know, and that is what I need to be thinking about as the best incentive for getting healthier.
I was pretty sure the spanking was over, but I tried a few distracting moves anyway and they seemed to take. A few minutes later Nick said, “This wasn’t actually my plan.” To which I replied, “Things happen.” Many times I’ve been the one who didn’t want a discipline/reminder/motivational/warning spanking followed immediately by sex, but somehow it just seemed right – I sure hope Nick didn’t mind, he didn’t seem to.
I’m learning – slowly, but I’m learning. Learning to wait on Nick, to trust that he isn’t giving up, learning that I have to take better care of myself – and learning to listen to Sunnygirl who says that damn cane needs to be broken or lost forever, smart woman.