That’s exactly what I feel like today. I’m not, I did the right thing, but my baby
is sad and she cried twice on the phone to me today and I just can’t make
everything all better. In the past I
could, if she couldn’t decide if she wanted McDonald’s or Burger King I just
decided for her. The decisions are
bigger now and they are no longer mine to make.
Last year she had a traditionally dorm room, this year she
and 3 friends are in a suite with two bedrooms, two baths and a living room and
kitchen – perfect! But when housing came
out for next year they didn’t get it. Only one of the four girls got housing on
the first round, and it was back in a regular dorm.
She had to take it because she and her roommate couldn't afford an
apartment. That left Mollie and roommate
with nothing as of Friday. So they began
apartment hunting. Then today, in the
second round of housing offers she can get a dorm room in the same dorm, same
floor as their friends.
However now, she is torn, she wants to be with her friends –
but she want’s more space and a kitchen in the apartment and the idea of living in her own apartment has it's own appeal. Her roommate wants the apartment (so she and
her boyfriend will have a place to stay) and Mollie wants everyone to be happy. Roommate says it’s up to Mollie.
So… she calls mom. I
say fine, here are my thoughts: I prefer you living on campus. Realize that you’ll be living in an apartment
or house for the rest of your life and this is the last opportunity to live in
a dorm with a bunch of friends. I told
her I was probably prejudice because I had always wanted to live in a dorm and
had never had the chance. In my mind it
would be wonderful, but that was based on novels I’d read rather than
experience.
But then I added, “I really think you’ll be happy either way
you decide, apartment or dorm. It’s your
decision and whichever one you choose it will be fine by us.” Thus thrusting the
responsibility of adult decision making in her life onto her shoulders. I felt like the worse mother in the world.
I wasn’t more than a week ago that I email her a card that
said,
“Don’t grow up – it’s a trap!”
I believe that reality has just sunk in.
She called just as I was headed to bed. They chose the dorm.
I'm glad it worked out for her. Though, if that makes you the worst mother in the world, they are coming to kick me out of the Mom club, lol :)
ReplyDeleteI only felt bad because she was sad. It's hard to be happier than you least happy child. As long as we love our kids we're in the club.
DeleteYou are not a bad mom! By allowing her to make her own decision you empowered her, what a fabulous gift! And I think she made a wise choice, too many young adults choose extravagant over practical. She will be able to relax, study and spend time with her friends without the burden of rent, utilities etc. You raised a bright and confident young lady! Way to go MOM!! More parents should heed your example!
ReplyDeleteC
C,
DeleteI know they need to learn to to make their own decisions. And she is doing her part and I guess I'm doing mine - but I didn't know it would be this hard on me. I think she will really be happy with her decision here.
PK,
ReplyDeletenot being a parent, I can't judge.
However you and Nick have given the world two great children, that speaks for itself I think.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.
Paul,
DeleteI will agree with you about that - they are wonderful people!
You are a wonderful mother! When I was in collegeI had to make the same decision as your daughter, my mother responded as you did ... and it is one of my favorite memories.
ReplyDeleteMeg,
DeleteThat make me feel better. I know I pushed her toward the dorm, because I thought it was best. I just don't know if she did it because she knew it was what I wanted. But I couldn't tell her any different since that's what I thought. I thought this parent thing would get easier!
Whatever did you do wrong to be called the worst mother?
ReplyDeleteYou lined out the available choices, pro's and cons, told her that she would be happy eitherway, and then let your adult daughter make the final decision together with the other adult person that was involved.
Don't think you could have done anything else, or better.
Bas,
DeleteMom's always feel bad when there children cry and are sad. It's normal, it's necessary - but it still hurts us.
I have to agree with everyone, you'r not a bad mom. Mollie is growing up and needs to makes decisions for herself.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think she made the right one.
Love,
Ronnie
xx
Ronnie,
DeleteI think she did too. She loved it last year. This time flies by so fast and then you have to be a grown up for the rest of your life.
I think you are the perfect mom. It is her life and her decision and she would always be second guessing. I'm glad she chose the dorm, I loved dorm life - it was so fun - much better than an apartment.
ReplyDeleteSunny,
DeleteI went to a community college in another town and I enjoyed the apartment and my roommates - but I always dreamed of the dorm life. She'll have an apartment soon enough.
I've never commented here before but I thought I would chime in because you seem like a good mom to me and the way you handled it seems like a good choice. She is out on her own and it seems giving advice at this point but letting her make the choices is good for her.
ReplyDeleteMischief,
DeleteThanks for coming by and commenting. I found when they became teens that the easiest way to get them to listen to my advice was to give it and then seem to be totally uninterested as to whether they took it or not. Because of this my son, soon to be 25 will still listen to me, doesn't always do what I want, but he listens.
Love your title! And yes, in my judgement you did the exact right thing....as hard as it is, they need to learn to make their own decisions..with our advice when asked.
ReplyDeletehugs abby
Thanks Abby,
DeleteIt's good to hear from moms with grown children that have gone through this.
You are duplicating my situation when our daughter was at college. I thought dorms were wonderful. (I always wanted to go away to boarding school too!) But our daughter hated boarding and passed her driving test extra quick so she could drive to and fro each day. And lo and behold, when she went away to college she hated the dorm, and said we had made her live in it for a year! She hated being in a flat with another girl who left after just the first term, and left her on her own, I can tell you! Hindsight is a wonderful thing and our young just don't see things the same way as us. I think they have to made their own choices - all you can do is to be ready to pick up the fall out! Good luck. I'm sure you will make the right decision PK.
ReplyDeleteMany hugs,
Ami
Ami,
DeleteI'm so lucky that Mollie really loved her dorm life last year and has enjoyed her dorm apartment this year. I know they will miss their kitchen and living room next year, but they have plenty of time to decide how they want to live their senior year.
What living situation did your daughter the most?
I think you did the right thing. She's an adult now and has to learn to make her own decisions. It's so hard sometimes to step back and let them do for themselves, but in the end it's for the best.
ReplyDeleteMrs. D,
DeleteIt is hard. It's like when we let them learn to walk - I hated letting them fall, but I'm sure glad they aren't still crawling around at their age!
You worded it perfectly. I would also express that I would want them on campus for as long as possible since an apartment is a great deal of responsibility. However in the end the decision needs to be theirs....right?
ReplyDeleteYou are a great mom!
Minelle,
DeleteI guess I could have 'made' her stay on campus and I did push her that way, but now she knows she made the final choice.
Sorry to disagree with your belief that you were being a bad parent but only good parents worry they are missing the mark. You gave her the tools to make a good decision. You are a good Mom!
ReplyDeleteChristina,
DeleteI do try to give her the tools, but boy I'd like to take care of everything for her. But like I said, that would only make me feel better.
PK, I can understand it must be so hard when you can no longer make decisions for your children and when they struggle with those decisions.
ReplyDeleteYou are certainly not a bad Mom. I do understand her being upset made you feel that way though. You gave her some wonderful advice to help her in her decision making.
I'm glad it all worked out well.
Hugs,
Roz
Roz,
DeleteHaving them upset will always make us second guess ourselves. But she's turning our pretty well.
I think this never changes. I always feel devastated when one of my kids are sad. I remember asking my mom about this phenomenon, when does it stop - reportedly never....
ReplyDeletehugs
lillie
Lillie,
DeleteShoot, I was afraid of that. Bummer!
Pk, It seems to me that you are an amzing mom! What a gift to help your children be able to listen and then make their own decisions! :-) Though I understand about feeling everything your children are feeling...deeply. Being a mom is the best and hardest job. Besides you can't be a bad mother because you didn't get a note this week saying, "Mean Mommy!" :-( Fortunately, I received another note soon after saying, "Best Mommy Ever!" :-) Hugs, Terps
ReplyDeleteTerps,
DeleteI'm sure both notes were heartfelt in the moment. I did get an email saying 'I'm going back to first grade, you're in charge again!' LOL!
HUGS
ReplyDeleteThanks
DeleteI think you did the right thing. My husband, I love him, but his mom made all of his decisions until we married. And then he couldn't make any choices on his own, and it's been hard as he had to learn to. You gave her your opinions, naming pros to both, and then left the decision to her. I think that's just great! :) That is my opinion anyway. :) And I'm going to guess that if there are tears over the issue later, you'll be there to listen. :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post! I hope young parents are reading. We do not want to raise dependent children. We are supposed to raise independent, self assured adults. That is what you have done. You taught them well and they are happy well adjusted people today. They didn't come home to live in your basement till they're 40 did they? You did great!
ReplyDeleteRosie Dee