I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Thursday, September 27, 2012

Please help me!!


I don’t know what to do and I need HELP!  I’ve gone on and on about my kids out here.  I think they are the best kids in the world.  Now when Mollie was little, from around 2 to 11, I was ready to hand her off to any takers.  But since the ages of 12 on the child has been an absolute delight.  Everyone who meets her tells Nick and me what a wonderful, mature girl she is.  I agree completely. 

When she was a teen, I rarely told her ‘no’ about anything because her requests were always sensible.  We’ve always talked a lot.  I don’t try to boss her and tell her what to do now, and because of that, she often seeks my advice and actually listens to it.

But now she has asked for something that panics me and I don’t know what to do.  Let me paraphrase our conversation.

“Mom you and I are pretty close, don’t you think.”

“Of course!”

“Well then I want you to do something for me.  I’m all grown up; I’ll be twenty next month (why does that still sound like ten to me?)

“I know.” I answered, “I was there when you were born.” I could tell she was serious, but I didn’t expect what was coming.

“I want to read your book. The one about that Cassie woman.”

My chest constricts, my mouth goes dry, and little blood vessels burst in my brain.  Other than that I’m fine.  “I thought you said you knew I wrote ‘sexy’ stuff and you didn’t ever want to read it.”

Mollie goes on in that adult, reasoning voice. “I know you’re proud of your writing. I want to read it.  I’m not a child.  I’m not as naive as you think I am.  I think I’m old enough to read it.”

“I’m not sure I’m old enough for you to read it.” I stammered.  She pins me with a look that says she’s not kidding.  So I went on,  “Listen, they’re not dirty or anything, but… well there’s some stuff in them you might think is weird.”

“I want to read it.”

“Let me think about it.” I told her, and that’s where we left it.  That was about ten days ago.  I got a post card from her today, the PS said, “Send me some stuff from your book.  I want to read it.”

What the hell should I do?????

Here are the two arguments in my head.

# 1 –

She is naive about sex.  We’ve just spent the past 20 years teaching this girl to be an independent woman, able to take care of herself and submission to no one.  She has never dated or even had a boyfriend – will this warp her thinking?  Will the fact that her mother wrote this instantly make it icky – so that she would never consider it even if her future husband wanted to play with it some?  Would it be instantly taboo?  Or would she feel I’m saying that a woman should be submissive to her man?  I would never want her to feel that way – certainly not until I met the man and felt he was worthy of her even considering such a thing.

And then there will be the ‘response’.  Will she say nothing and I won’t know if she is disgusted or intrigued. Will she want to know if Nick spanks me? Will it open a can of worms that needs to be left closed at this time?

# 2 – 

She is a mature kid.  Let her read it.  These books, these stories are important to you. Mollie will understand.  She’s lived with you and Nick in the house for the past six years you’ve been playing a TTWD and probably knows way more than you think and she isn’t freaked out yet.

If you say no, she is going to be hurt and feel that you see her as a little kid or you don’t trust her.  Could that damage your relationship, even a little?  So your stories are about spanking – big deal, (You’re not out at a swingers club with different partners.) You show spanking in a context of mutual love and understanding.  They’re married, it’s consensual, they love each other immensely, and many stories are funny and lighthearted.  Really, what’s wrong with her reading them?   You intend to publish them some day, don’t you? She’ll read them then.  Let her now so she feels that you accept her as an adult.


Okay I don’t usually beg for comments, but guys, I’m begging!!! I want your honest opinion.

Just know this for sure –

I really want her to read them and I don’t really want her to read them.  And that’s the truth!

33 comments:

  1. That's a tough one, PK. I'm pretty close to your daughter's age so I'm coming at this from closer to her angle.

    I think it's important to show you trust her; if you let her read the book and let her feel like she's old enough and mature enough to do it, as an adult, then I'm sure she'll also be mature enough to make her own decisions. I know she's never been in a relationship, but ttwd isn't to be taken lightly; submission (I don't think) it's something you see once and are automatically okay with. I struggled with wondering whether I wanted this type of relationship, and I imagine she would give it lots of thought and consideration before deciding she wants the same. My two cents anyway. I think the bigger thing here may be whether or not you want her to know that side of you. Possibly, she's already sensed it and that's why she wants to read your book. Best of luck in whichever decision you make.

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  2. I'd say scenario #2 might be more likely. And you could stress to her that it might be a little different, but is purely fiction, so she doesn't have to over think too much about your personal life. I have a question for you though. What has she heard about your writing so far to even know the name Cassie?

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  3. I am sure she can handle the knowledge that you are a writer of erotic fiction. Who knows she might be able to contribute and you could become a Mother and Daughter Team. Many a small business has got off the ground with family.
    She probably already knows and is is just testing your honesty.

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  4. I think you need to test the waters a bit. She knows about Cassie, what does she know about Cassie? Tell her you are nervous about letting her read your book because of the fantasies (she probably doesn't need to know that they are realities) that it reveals. Try to get some insight into what she thinks is in the book and how she might respond to it. If you don't think she will respond well, you can say, "I love you, but I'm not ready to share my sexual fantasies with my daughter."

    Another tack: Have you discussed the hoopla about "Fifty Shades of Grey" with her? That's gone pretty main stream. Ask her how she feels about that kind of erotic fiction. Has she read it? What does she think of it? That might give you some insight into how she feels about spanking and submission even though your book is not like that. Given the more tame nature of your writing that might let you know if you can feel safe letting her read your story.

    I think you are most worried about how she will feel about you after she reads the book. If the worst happens and she is disgusted, freaked out, icked out, whatever, can you live with that? If you can't, I suggest you not let her read it.

    Say you do let her read it. Are you ready to discuss how what she reads plays out in your relationship? Are you ready to discuss what's good about it? What's difficult about it? You know the questions are going to come and even if you don't let her know about your reality, you are going to probably have to discuss why you wrote the stories and what you feel about submission.

    I guess I'm not being much help, I wish I could. I just see that you are going to be opening quite a can of worms and you need to be ready to go there if you let her read your story.

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  5. PK dearest, wake up.
    She did, a long time ago, ask you about "Lizzy", you surely remember that. If I remember correctly, the conversation went like this: I will tell you all about that when you have been married 20 years. And Mollie said: OK mom, I understand.
    Now, this absolutely very wise girl has seen you writing things, for as long as she can remember. She never asked what you were writing, because she knew that it was not for children, that is what she agreed to. She saw Eva at your house, she went with you to visit Eva, and she always refrained from asking you, how you met her. And there were others, and always this very adult child recognized that some knoiwledge was not for her yet. But now, she feels she is not a kid anymore, she feels she is an adult and should be respected as such.
    You, letting her read the products of your writing, will be the ultimate statement from you: Yes beloved daughter, You are an adult, I don't keep things from you anymore because you are not a child anymore.
    Give her the Cassie stories, and be glad about her wanting to be part of your real and complete persona.
    Your big fear is what she will think of you when she reads the stories. What do you think? Will this intelligent young woman think her mother is a totally different person, because of a few spanks? Come on PK, get real, this daughter of yours is an understanding woman (remember Lizzy, so many years ago). I think the chances are bigger that she will understand more about the love between you and Nick, when she reads about Cassie and Tom.
    Now, off course you could put some conditions up. Don't share the stories with anybody or be disinherited at once, should be a good one.
    Maybe you can arrange for a book review together, when she has read it (Hey, a good reason for a Mother-Daughter weekend).
    And when you are at it, I think that you should tell her about the existence of your blog and blogland, but not give her the name of the blog. She will understand that you cannot write freely on the blog when your daughter is reading everything.
    But knowing about the blog, knowing where you found Eva and so much happiness, will make her feel very adult and appreciated.
    It will get rid of all the secrets Mom had to keep from the child, and it will be the start of your new adult relationship.
    Give her our love and tell her that there is this extremely old man in Holland, who has always wondered how she got that butterfly to take a rest on her arm.

    Hugs and Love,
    Bas

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  6. PK: Can I start with a question. How did she know you write about Cassie?

    Anyway, I like the idea that you ask her about Fifty Shades of Grey and see her reaction. But I wouldn't worry that reading about Cassie is going to make submissive or want to be spanked. She either is or she isn't and she wants to be spanked or she doesn't and reading something on the subject although if she already has those desires, it might spark them.

    But I think she is likely to be vanilla and is just curious. So I would let her read about Cassie.

    FD

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  7. You writing is from the heart and beautifully written. She's an adult and asking you to share a part of your life you have never allowed into, let her read your book (or at least the 1st chapter). If she asks for more after that than you'll know she wants/needs to see how the story continues and it will be the opening you need to talk with her about it.

    You've raised her so you know her best.

    Hugs and best of luck,
    heather1

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  8. I think you should let her read it. She will at some point and so since she has asked this then it is probably time. But, I understand your thoughts and reasons for not wanting her to read. Best of luck in your choice.
    But, trust your relationship. HUGS.

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  9. As you know we have daughters the same age. I raised mine to be strong as well. My daughter may know a bit about the book sites. Before I started deleting the history years ago, she commented about the site.
    I think I would lay some ground work first. What about a mild harlequin with spanking in it first? Open up the discussion then decide based on her response. I know that sometimes they say they want to know but then they think "too much info."
    She may be absolutely fine with you sharing the stories. It could be a great way to continue your already honest discussions about love and relationships. Yet I believe it is a big decision.
    What does your husband think. This certainly could impact him too, depending on where your discussion verses.

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  10. I meant goes. Where the different tangents take you. These iPhones are very difficult to type with!!

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  11. I'm in favour of your letting her read your stuff. Not letting her might make her feel there is really something bad about your writing, that you still want to keep it from her. Children are usually more grown-up than we parents imagine. I can't help thinking about that joke I read on the web somewhere recently:
    "Son, the girls are interested in you I see, it's time we had a talk about sex and stuff."
    "Sure, Dad, what is it you want to know?"

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  12. Boy do I understand your quandry. I think she already knows more than you think. It is good writing, you are proud of it and as you say one day you will publish. Let her be your first critic. It is a work of fiction, she will know that. It's a great birthday present, don't you think?

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  13. Oh Boy!
    I have a daughter who is now in the latter half of her twenties. She was very, very mature at 20 - in fact through her entire life. We are VERY close, her and I. She was married this year.
    When I think back to her at 20, compared with now, I see a much different level of maturity. Your daughter of course, might be different. I just think at my daughter's age now, she is so much wiser about life.
    I am not sure a young woman who has never been in a sexual relationship will be able to grasp the nature of a dd relationship. Maybe I am wrong...
    If we think your daughter can handle it okay, can you? There are some areas of our lives that we need to have private from our children, I think.
    I would probably err on the side of caution with this situation, and tell my (again, if it were me) that I need to let that happen at my own pace. Not because I think she can't handle it, but because it is an area of my life I still need to keep private for now.
    I am also a crazy protective Mum - so I should probably put that out there.
    Good luck, PK ...... they don't cover this one in Parenting magazine.

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  14. WOW, and they wonder why we have gray hair?? Tough one..I see both sides of your argument. I think if you say no she will want to know why....
    Maybe I would talk to her about how you had these people living in your head for a while and decided to try your hand at some fiction with them as the characters. Let her read one or maybe two...see what her reactions is. My gut is telling me this could open up some franf discussions...If you are not ready for that, then maybe tell her the writing is your private way to fantasize and you are not ready to share that.
    Good luck....let us know!
    hugs abby

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  15. Bet that took your breath away.

    You know Mollie better than any of us but personally I think you should let her read some but maybe lay a little ground work first.

    Out of interest what does Nick think?

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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  16. You have lots of great comments, so I'll just say this - isn't it interesting that we can share these things with tons of anonymous people out there, but not our own family?

    Tell her why you are hesitating. Tell her the subject matter (in broad terms at first). Give her some other research on it and tell her what you told us here. And then if she still wants to read them, share. Being open with family is a wonderful gift.

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  17. Wow PK - rock and hard place. You have a lot of wonderful comments here to sort through. Personally, I would probably just let her read it with the preface of "I really want to hear what you think once you've finished."

    The reason I first started following Cassie was the wonderful love story between Cassie and Tom. Tom's love and concern for Cassie shines in every word and action.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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  18. PK, I hear you. I think it is absolutely wonderful that she wants to read.

    Show her one story. See how she responds. It's not too much to take back, should she respond badly. Make her wait a bit. If that goes well, show her another one.

    Alternatively, show her a short story that is similar to Cassie but not yours. That might be a safer place to start.

    But even though Cassie might imply things, what is written in the text is never dirty. You said you wanted to be open about what you write eventually. Why not start with the child you love most in the entire world?

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  19. I'm curious what Nick's take on telling Mollie is? It would be wonderful to share your writing with her. But are you prepared for the personal questions she may ask?

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  20. Gosh, PK, I've got nothing! I can totally see what most of the other commenters are saying about her being mature, etc. but all I know is that every person I've made the choice to share my DD life with in real life has reacted in way that made me wish I hadn't. That said, if you do plan to publish some day, you definitely need to tackle this before that happens, because you don't want her caught off guard when her mom goes public as spanking writer. She may be perfectly fine with it (and I hope she is!), but she will likely need some time to process it either way. I guess my best advice is just to give it some prayer - I'll be praying you have wisdom and clarity on it myself!

    Hugs,
    Tracy

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  21. PK,
    I'm pretty sure that Molly is mature enough to handle Cassie and Tom.
    Though I agree that you should talk it over with Nick.
    Love and warm hugs,
    Paul.

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  22. Anonymous4:22 PM

    Hello PK,

    Having children in the exact same age group I feel your anxiety. First, how and what does she all ready know of Cassie? That could be a starting point. Second, I think you need to talk to Nick, as this will surely bring up questions as to your all relationship. And is Nick going to be ok with his daughter knowing he spanks her mom? Even in a loving context it still may change their dynamic. If you choose to not let her read them, you can explain its not because you don't trust her as an adult, but there are something children, even adult children don't need to know (or assume) about their parents. Explain to her that you love being her mom and her friend, but if reversed would you be comfortable hearing intimate details about her love life one day? I don't think I would, and I know my children don't want to see their mom that way. LOL Good luck dear. I don't envy you this decisions, but so glad you have such a mature and loving daughter. Ps I would ask her why the curiosity? Lay some ground work for her if you do let her read them.

    C

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  23. I shure, she has just read some, but doesn't sure if it was really yours. I can't imagine her mood and opinion, so I recommend you to prepare 3-4 stories for her (mayby, special edition), print and give directly, hand to hand.
    It'll be better to meet and discuss: you write fairy tales for adults, plots for erotic games, but it is not a sort of advise for somebody to life, not a fiction for teens.

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  24. Riley,
    I appreciate you writing, it is nice to hear from someone closer to Mollie’s age. I know when she was little and I began treating her more maturely, she acted more maturely. I sure don’t think it will push her toward TTWD, I’m more worried it would make it where she wouldn’t even want to consider it.

    Lea,
    That’s something. She will be able to see easily that it’s not autobiographical! She knows I write about a nice older lady and I’ve even told her some abbreviated stories.

    Michael,
    LOL! I can’t imagine that happening! Well at least not for some time to come. That would be a hoot.

    Cygnet,
    There is a book series ‘Miss Julia’ that is one of my favorites – pure vanilla (although a good spanking wouldn’t hurt her any) She’s about Cassie’s age and Mollie knows I love the series. I have joked that my book is Miss Julia meets 50 Shades. But she hasn’t read either. She has to know the just of it thought.

    Bas,
    When did you get so smart? Honestly I hadn’t thought once about back when she asked about Lizzy! You’re right, that was nearly 10 years ago. And she hasn’t asked since then about what I was writing.

    She knows I have a blog and the name of it. I ask her not to read it just like she would not expect me to read her diary. I know some of reading think I’m crazy to think she hasn’t read it, but I know she has kept her word to me. That’s why I want to repay that trust now.

    And you are NOT old and that butterfly amazed me too!

    FD,
    She knows I write about this active woman, Cassie, and that it’s a love story. You’re right; spankos are really born, not created. Although great vanillas like Nick are willing to try!

    Heather,
    Yes she’s an adult – sorta. It’s still hard for me to see her that way. Yes, I think some carefully selected stories or the first chapeter is the way to begin

    SNP,
    It takes a big leap of faith – I have faith in her, but it’s still scary.

    Minelle,
    Mollie is not a reader – I think she would read mine, but I doubt she would try anything else. I did ask Nick, he said it was up to me. He knows she and I talk about everything. I think he knows if I’m comfortable telling her something he’ll be fine with it too. She’ll sure never say a word to him about it.

    Malcolm,
    That joke is probably truer than I’d like it to be – but she has always seemed like such a prude! Not a bad thing, but still. I love Cassie and Tom and I don’t what to act like I’m ashamed of what I’m writing.

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  25. Sunnygirl,
    A birthday gift – gulp! But you’re right. I really do want to know what she thinks of the over all stories.

    Lil,
    You have some good points here. I know I would be more comfortable if she had a bit more ‘romantic’ experience. And NO I have NOT found this questions in a parenting magazine! One part of me really does want her to read it, but once I do there is no going back.

    Abby,
    I think you’re right about just starting off with a few stories. I can hand pick them – to show the love story the most.

    Ronnie,
    Nick’s okay, I think he thinks its kinda funny.

    Kitty,
    It is sooo much easier to discuss it with anonymous people. If anyone out her thinks I’m strange, weird or perverted – it doesn’t really matter. Mollie is my heart.

    Cat,
    It is the love story that is so very important to me. And if I let her, one of the conditions she will have to give me feedback. In person or by email.

    Ana,
    I do love her so – but how would I have reacted it my mother had written like this. I would have been shocked and stunned. But Mollie does have to have some idea. I’m pretty sure she will be getting to read some of my work.

    Faerie,
    I don’t think she’ll ask many – she’ll have plenty. But I don’t think she’ll ask.

    Tracy,
    I have prayed about this – that I’d know if the time was right. Strangely I’ve had the opposite experience than you. Everyone I’ve shared with has been interested, amused, and supportive – since each could tell how much happier both Nick and I were once I came out.

    Paul,
    You’re right and I realized that Nick had to be part of the decision. And his decision was to leave it up to me.

    OH C,
    I don’t envy me my decision either. Although she know all the ‘facts of life’ is reading spanking stories really the way I want be our first ‘real’ conversation about thought, feeling, and fantasies to begin?

    Listoboy,
    That sounds like a good way to put it “fairy tales for adults, plots for erotic games, but it is not a sort of advise for somebody to life, not a fiction for teens.” I think I am finally forming a intro- letter to some stories for her.

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  26. Hi PK,

    I had no idea how fortunate I am. Our adult daughter has zero interest in what her father and I do together. I think she's vaguely aware. It's possible she is quite aware. But she doesn't want to know and certainly doesn't want to raise the subject for fear one of us might tell her.

    As far as I can determine, she doesn't know I have a blog. I am content to keep it that way.

    As for your question, I might simply tell Mollie that I'm not ready to share the blog. That says nothing about her or your perception of her maturity. It's your feelings that drive the decision.

    Also, if you point her to Cassie, she'll soon find her way back here. That is likely to be a whole different discussion. You know your daughter best, but I would suggest a cautious approach.

    Hugs,
    Bonnie

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  27. Wow PK, this is a head scratcher!

    I've met Molly, and she is a sweet, level-headed young lady. I only spent a short time with her, but I could tell she loves you and Nick deeply, and although curious about the visitors who'd come from so far away to spend time with her folks she respected our privacy. She let us have our time together, and didn't pry into the how's or why's of our coming to know one another. Your daughter, and her brother {who I also had the pleasure of meeting} both impressed me as being open, and accepting people.

    So, I guess my observation is pretty simple. LJ came out long ago. His sister still loves him, and has accepted him for who he is and how he loves. Would she not love her mom for who she is and how she loves, too?

    The one thing I have no doubt about is that whatever you decide, you'll do it with love and careful consideration. She's your baby, and you know her best.

    *hugs* to you and Nick!
    CeeCi

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  28. PK, I think you know you are going to let her read it. Dealing with the, "does daddy spank you?" question will be the hard part. My advice if she asks is, that whatever you do in private, is private. She already knows you aren't being abused or totally submissive. You are her mother, she has seen you in action. I have a daughter a couple years older than yours, she isn't mature enough to understand so I wouldn't tell her. You know your daughter the best. She probably has ideas about Cassie already.

    Good luck, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes.

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  29. GAH! My worst nightmare!

    I had a heart attack when my daughter told me she was reading 50 shades....but I admitted that I had read it and she didn't bat an eyelash. So Molly probably won't be to shocked.

    But what do I know? I'm still just a kid and I still think this spanking stuff is weird!

    Love You!!!!
    HUGS!
    grace

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  30. Bonnie,
    I think your daughter has probably gotten to the age and maturity where she isn’t as curious about mom and dad. I still wonder if she did come and asks what would you share with her?

    I love you CeeCi!
    I have often thought about my coming out and LJ as very similar things. We are both being true to be who we were born to be. So our family more that most respects ‘differences’. Mollie was surely curious about you and Eve and our friendships, but she did restrain herself. Perhaps she just didn’t want to hear the conversation then and now she knows she’s ready.

    Kaki,
    When/if she asks that question she will get my standard answer to vanilles – a laugh and admitting that it is a small playful part of our lives, a chance for us to be silly and play together. Any, more in depth answer would come after I see how they handle that information.

    I just don’t know if she knows for sure about the spanking aspect. Does she think I’m writing about an older couple and writing about their sex life? Or does she know that there is something ‘more’? I guess I’ll find out.

    Grace!
    We all think it’s weird! That’s why we all love it so. It makes us special. Would you like me to send your daughter a few of your Fantasies Fridays to kinda ease her in? LOL!

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  31. I honestly don't know, PK. Before I gave her the URL, I would describe the subject matter in general terms. That might be enough to dissuade her.

    I doubt this scenario will happen because as a single mom, she has more immediate real world concerns to occupy her attention. And I have no reason to believe the topic holds any special interest for her.

    However, she has surprised me before...

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  32. PK,
    I have come out to two adult women, both of whom have been married for many years, and seem to have some understanding of the world. Both of them didn't like knowing it. One wondered if she should refer me to a counselor/therapist. She really worried about me, to the point that when Max and I broke up and I got together with Gus I lied and told her it was a Max only thing, and I was over it. The other woman told me she doesn't want to hear about it. It put distance in an otherwise close relationship. I really thought both of these women could handle it.

    Gus, on the other hand, is out to everybody in his world. His kids know he spanks, and they both think it is weird. Neither of them is interested in it. But, knowing their dad's stuff makes it easy for them to come to him with their stuff. He is a big proponent of no family secrets.

    I think his kids wish they didn't know. Honestly it grosses them out. They are 28 and 24. His son has even asked him not to spank me when he is in the same town as us, because he doesn't want to accidentally hear it as he approaches the house or anything.

    Sorry I'm so late to the discussion. You've probably already given them to her. Anyway, let us know what you decide and how it goes.
    Blessings,
    Maryann

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  33. This is a tough one.

    Just ask yourself:
    - Are you ashamed of what you wrote?
    - Would you be apprehensive on any other 20-year old reading this?
    - Is your daughter mature enough to handle stories about DD?
    - Are you ashamed of your own feelings?
    - Does your daughter love and trust you?

    I think it would be best to let her read your stories. She's curious now, and that will only get worse. Do you want her to get the feeling you've done something shameful, or do you want her to understand you?
    I can understand your embarrassement, but wouldn't it be wonderful to share all of this with the second most important person in the world?

    Hugs,
    Julia

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