I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Explaining


Blame Bas for this post, he blames me for everything, so why not. (Love you Bas, LOL!)  Anyway, after Bas read my last post he left the following comment –
Now, how does that work? I believe I didn't really understand. Lets try it again. 
You're afraid to lose out on a spanking for doing good if you loose weight, so you ask him to give you the spanking beforehand, so you keep focused and he does not have to spank you, because you did so good. But then you didn't lose out, because you already got the spanking. 
That about it? 
Life is complicated! 



Let me try to explain more fully.  I love to be spanked; do I need to put that in CAPS?  This is what a spanking says to me –
I love you
I care about you
I want to protect you
I want to help you focus
I want to help you achieve your goals
In the past, as we first began TTWD, Nick was helping me in the weight loss.  One of the ways he did this was to spank me if I gained, and it was usually a hard spanking with something I didn’t like. (I realize this could be a real mind field for some couples, but it worked for us.) I always saw the spanking as not so much for gaining, but for blowing off all the healthy things I could have been doing – more water, more sleep, more exercise and less junk food.
During those first two years I lost 40 pounds and I was so proud and happy.  I think Nick was too.  But as I lost most weeks, he didn’t have any ‘reason’ to spank.  My interest in the dieting slip away and the pounds all came back.  Spanking just became a type of foreplay.  It no longer said
I love you
I care about you
I want to protect you
I want to help you focus
I want to help you achieve your goals
It just said, I want to have sex.  Not a bad statement at all, but not the same for a woman.
So for the next few years we were back and forth.  Spanking was hit or miss (pardon the pun) and the weight kept going up.  I didn’t really care.
Just in the last little bit, Nick has seemed like he was really interested in helping me again, interested in a little thinking spanking – not just sex spanking.
So… Nick used to only spank about weight if I gained.  Those spankings are fine, but I hope I lose most weeks.  However, I still want to be spanked sometimes and yes, while a reason isn’t always necessary, we both seem to ‘need’ them. 
How about this, if I lose, good for me.  But maybe mid-week, a serious, ouchy spanking that says –
I’m still paying attention
You need to keep your focus
I’m in charge and I want you to stay healthy
This, and any other little ‘attention grabbers’ he’d like to throw my way, turns the drudgery of trying to lose into a delightful TTWD encounter.  It makes me feel happier, more interested, more interesting and eventually sexier – which in turn get Nick his favorite part of this whole confusing mess.
Bas, I hope I’ve made it easier to understand. And what I really hope is that Nick’s reading and that he understands.

17 comments:

  1. I cannot relate to this, BUT I like that you are blaming Bas for something. LOL.

    Also, good job knowing what you want and communicating it.


    Take care, PK!

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  2. PK,
    makes perfect sense to me, but then it did the first time.
    Well done Nick, keep it up, it pays dividends.
    Love and warm hugs.
    Paul.

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  3. You have such a way of putting words to paper that conveys exactly what you want to say. I have say, much of what you have listed is why I have been able to have a some what successful dieting journey. Good Luck,,I am rooting for you.
    hugs abby

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  4. I hear what you are saying. It sounds like discipline, Maintenance, and erotic! Or erotic discipline with a twist of maintenance. Just saying I completely understand the language you speak!

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  5. I understand exactly what you are trying to say. It's "our" version of TTWD.

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  6. It makes perfect sense to me. A little incentive to better when you do good, and punishment if you don't.

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  7. If I have learned one thing - it is that this dd thing looks different everywhere....each couple makes it their own.
    I had never thought about using it to motivate, and this is wonderful because you are getting healthier!
    win / win :)

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  8. Help Mama, they are always picking on me!
    PK, you are not suggesting that any man could ever understand a woman, I hope.
    What is this world coming to. Next thing, you are going to suggest that women should try to understand men.
    That said, I have to say, you explained perfectly clear.
    I confess, I understood it the first time to.
    It is somewhat like the problem of the perfect DD wife, who never gets spanked, because spanking made her perfect.
    What can you do? Bratting? In your case that would mean deliberately gaining weight, which is very contra-productive.
    Besides, Nick would soon stop spanking, if you seemingly were not interested in giving weightloss a good try.
    I think your mid-week spankings are a good solution.
    Hugs, and you can blame me as much as you like,
    Bas

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  9. Anonymous2:50 PM

    Hi, PK. You summed it all up: "...this whole confusing mess." Sigh.

    Tell me what you need.

    Ugh. Okay, but I want you to understand why I need it.

    I don't need to understand. It doesn't compute for me. Just tell me what to do to help you. I'll do that, and you'll feel better.

    No, I won't feel better. Okay, well yes, I will feel better if you do the thing I need done, but not all better, because part of what will make me feel better is if you understand me, so you can anticipate what I need next time. Plus, I'll feel worse because I have to keep telling you what I need.

    I don't mind if you tell me every time you need me. I like that. I'll keep doing whatever you need every time you tell me about it, over and over and over again.

    Sigh. But, part of what I really need is for you to get it. This is me telling you what I need for you to do: Hear me. Understand me. Anticipate me. Do that thing you intuit I need before it occurs to me I need it, before I start thinking you aren't paying attention to me, before I get frustrated and start dropping hints that you don't pick up on and make me upset, before I have to embarrass myself by asking you to help me. Don't make me wait until I'm losing it. Figure it out and do something about it. Show me you care enough to notice my body language and tone of voice, to know these mean I'm starting to spin out and I need you.

    I don't get all this. I can't read you. I don't read minds. Really, I don't mind helping you, but I don't sense things the way you do. Just tell me and I'll do what you need. That way I won't accidently miss a signal and disappoint you.

    Sigh. The rest of what I need is for you to lead me, be in charge. In my mind, you are not in charge if I am telling you what to do.

    Of course I'm in charge, and I'm telling you to tell me what you need when you need it. That's an order, soldier.

    Sigh. Okay, I'll try to tell you what and when I need it. But, see, the problem with that isn't just that it makes me feel I'm in charge instead of you. I don't always see myself starting to come undone. I'm usually almost all the way gone before I realize what is happening. By that time, I've been snippy, grumpy, gripey, and all out of sorts. That makes me resistant or unable to tell you what I need, because by then I usually won't acknowledge to myself what I need. I want to avoid all that drama, and have you nip it in the bud before I get there, before I am on the nasty path.

    This is really complicated. So, what signs should I look for?

    But, see, I can't see me! You see me. Can't you tell when I'm getting out of sorts and stop me?

    I thought that is why we are having this conversation - because I don't notice when something is wrong with you. My solution is that you tell me what you need when you need it. That covers most bases, because you get the end result, which is what you really need and what you would receive whether I anticipated it or not, whether I understand or not.

    Argh!!! Sigh. Yes, dear.

    Irishey

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  10. Everything is Bas' fault! He tries to get other people in trouble and then calls his mama when *he* gets blamed. I may not be able to get revenge on my own, but I will bask in watching you blame him. :D

    Seriously, it's a funny thing to work really hard and then have your motivation taken away. Or that's kind of how it feels. I know it's weird, but it's true.

    But...amazing for you how hard you are working. Yay!!!

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  11. Stormy,
    Yes I know this isn’t your thing, but we can all agree on blaming Bas!

    Ah…. Paul, if we could just get it to make sense to Nick.

    Abby,
    I want to lose, but I swear I hate going through watching what I eat and exercising.

    Minelle,
    Yeah it’s a mixture for sure. And I want some of each!!

    Sunnygirl,
    I know you and I have always kinda wanted the same thing.

    Kaki,
    Exactly!

    Lillie,
    That’s always the way it’s been in my head. When we try it seems to work for us.

    Bas,
    You are so much fun to pick on! I understand men! Sports, sex – what’s not to understand?
    No I don’t want to sabotage my weight loss. I do have my own form of bratting, but so far it’s not been every effective.

    
Irishey
    LOL! I love it; you hit the nail on the head. They’re trying, I know they really are – but it’s like I’ve said so many times. It’s like a kiss or a hug, if you have to ask every time you get to the point where you just want to say ‘Forget it! If you don’t want to kiss me, I’m not going to beg.”

    Ana,
    We wouldn’t really pick on Bas would we, LOL! I guess it’s a little hard for guys to understand how spanking can be both a punishment, a reward and a motivator – but it can be.

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  12. I am very impressed with your ability to explain a very complicated dynamic!! Sounds like you have it figured out perfectly...

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  13. sheesh. it's kinda like me and the smoking thing. that is, kind of the same only entirely different. When i get spanked it says to me "i know you're trying hard and that's good and this is to remind you that you need to KEEP IT UP"

    having said that, we don't do punishment so when I slipped up i never got spanked..

    until we talked it all out and i was sorry and i got a spanking so that i could let go of my guilt and release the emotions and tensions that built up from the episode.

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  14. Totally understand PK. Makes perfect sense.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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  15. makes perfect sense to me :-)

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  16. I can relate to all of it. The problem with us spankos is that we sometimes like the discipline if it means a spanking. Dang it

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  17. Thanks Renee,
    But I’ve had it figured out for 40 some years, it’s getting Nick to figure it out that’s difficult!

    Fondles,
    It can be really good for stress relief for me. But I don’t have a problem with guilt, I know I should at time, but I manage to block it except in the most sever cases.

    Ronnie,
    I really like the way you guys incorporate spanking in your relationship. It’s mostly fun and sexy but he doesn’t mind upending you if he’s annoyed either. I don’t feel you are in a dd relationship, but it still has all the good aspects of one.

    Terps,
    I knew for sure you’d understand.

    Blondie,
    I know the guys get confused when it’s used for both fun and punishment – but it seems so logical to me.

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