Solitude

If you can't read this it says...

Language... has created the word "loneliness"
to express the pain of being alone.
And it has created the word "solitude"
to express the glory of being alone.

My parents left me home alone over night for the first time when I was 16. My mother was nearly a basket case worrying that I was going to be lonely and frightened. I loved every single second of it!!! I’ve always enjoyed being alone. I sometimes worry that Nick might interpret my need to be alone as a desire not to be with him but nothing could be further from the truth. When I want to be with people, which is most of the time, I want to be with him or Mollie or LJ. But there are just those times when I crave being alone.

I use my solitude as a time to think and to work things out in my mind. I love to write and that’s not something I can do well when other are around. When I get too much rolling around in my mind my need to be alone becomes overwhelming. Sometimes it’s just a fiction story. Sometimes it’s my feelings about TTWD (at least do on and off). Sometimes I use my alone time to write about TTWD in order to try to understand what I need to be my best self. Sometimes I use that time to talk myself off the ledge, so to speak. If I start to get down or depressed I can sometimes think/write myself out of the mood. Of course there are other times that I just let myself fall into these bad feelings and wallow in them. But I’m really getting better about that.

Please don’t tell me how much I’m going to miss Mollie and that I’ll have too much time alone when she leaves. Believe me I KNOW how much I’m gonna miss that child! But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t use a half day to myself now. I pretty much took a day to myself yesterday. I shut myself away in my ‘writing room’. Colder that an ice box in that room, but it still was a much needed time.

We haven’t tried any dd or much of spanking at all recently. But this weekend we started talking about it just a tiny bit. Nick has no idea how much talking (emailing) helps me. I am the one with the need for it all and when I pull away from it mentally and physically I know it leaves Nick wondering how far to push it. So we’ve been in a bit of limbo lately. Limbo sucks! We’ve gotten to the point where I was/am confused as to what will be best for us. What I hold on to is the closeness that developed and continued as we explored different aspects of TTWD, I really want to keep that and build on it. Maybe I need some time alone to think about it.