Sunday, November 14, 2010

Digging deeper

So I added the fact that spankings hurt more now to everything else I’m thinking about and as usual in my mind everything is connected. So here I go again. During the first part of our marriage I was not a very sexual creature. Sadly I felt like we needed to have sex only when we wanted a child. We didn’t stop having sex but I know I was not a very good partner. I knew, but chose not to share with Nick, the fact that the only thing I had found that really turned me on sexually was my fantasies about spanking and discipline. I couldn’t tell him because it was just too damn strange. So I tried like hell to suppress those feelings. I was able to, but it also complete suppressed the sexual side of me.

Eventually I threw caution to the wind and told him. He did think it was strange but he certainly didn’t seem to mind as our sex life went from once or twice a month of rather routine sex to some pretty wild and kinky sex several times a week. I never expected it to last at that pace past the ‘honeymoon’ period but for the next three years I don’t think either of us could complain. Both of us were opened to trying anything the other suggested. Some things we love and continues other weren’t us and we didn’t try again, but the closeness we felt as we grew in the life style was the best part

During all this time I kept trying to explain to Nick the discipline needs I had. It wasn’t just getting smacked on the butt that I was looking for. And that, if we have a problem at all, is the problem. The spanking he liked. The head stuff not so much. But for me all this was based on gut feelings that have been with me all my life. These questions have been with me all my life – why would anyone want to be spanked, why would a grown, capable, independent woman what her husband giving her any ‘rules’, why would this same woman be willing to submit to the authority of a husband when she has done her own thing for over 40 years? The only true answer is I don’t know and I don’t care. I have reached the age where I just know it’s true and the reasons why don’t really matter. I’m sick of trying to analyze ‘why’ when in the end it just doesn’t really matter. I just know what I want and need.

Or should I say wanted and needed. Maybe I don’t know what I want and need anymore. I’ve spent 4 years trying to explain what it is I need and Nick has been trying all that time to really understand. But it’s kinda like trying to explain color to a blind person. No matter how willing they are to understand, no matter how much they want to, they aren’t going to be able to see the colors.

The last time I went into a depression over all this I decided it would be the last time. My life is wonderful. We’re healthy, have healthy, happy kids, a fine home, friends, a little money tucked away and a closer relationship than we had for the first 23 years of our marriage. But…. all my sexually is still locked up in the fantasy. And I don’t think that’s going to change. To feel wild and kinky and uninhibited in bed I, like many women, need my mind to be engaged. The mind – the finest sexual organ God gave us. But as I try to not live in the fantasy any longer all sexual desire seems to fade away. And maybe that is why that last spanking hurt so much. If there is no reason behind it, a ‘this is the reason you’re getting a spanking,’ or sinking into a fantasy in my own head – then I’m just being smacked on the butt and it’s not triggering a sexual response, it just hurts.

Poor Nick. I think all this was hard enough to try to understand when I was giving him specific things to try. But now I’m out of ideas. Am I ‘over’ the whole thing? I don’t want to be. But more and more I feel like my old self, becoming more and more like I was before I came out. We have become closer with each other and have made improvements in our relationships that won’t go away, thank goodness - and I do feel more comfortable in my skin and in my marriage than I used to. Before we were like pleasant roommates now I see us a really good, happy roommates, but I want more.

Right now I feel myself drifting off into ‘whatever', which certainly beats sadness and depression. I feel like since I am the spanko in the family and I was the one that brought this up in the first place Nick didn’t mind me guiding and suggesting things. But I have nothing left to suggest. I’m drifting and I just hope the current will take me/us somewhere good. I do know that right now blogging and having a place to sort these thoughts out is extremely good for me.

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Written by PK at 1:00 AM

9 comments

9 Comments:

At 6:17 AM, Blogger Florida Dom said...

Good to hear that blogging and having a place to sort all these things out is good for you. And thanks for sharing the thoughts. It is quite interesting and you provide a lot of insights.

But one thing I am curious about is why are you trying to not live in your fantasy world? I thought the fantasies were fun for you.

Anyway, the bottom line is that you still have a wonderful life.

FD

 
At 7:54 AM, Blogger Not My Original Vows said...

Reading this blog, I could relate. Trying to explain and guide is tough. I am glad you are at a point you can 'accept.' Don't ever give up.
Hugs,
Katia

 
At 8:57 AM, Anonymous abby said...

Interesting post. I also reached a point where have finding to find out why? was not all that important..i just am, and lucky for me i have found a partner who gets it. Where will you end up..who knows...relax a little...life is full of ebbs and flows. Hmm..now i will get off my soapbox..sorry, guess the teacher in me is ever present! abby

 
At 1:59 PM, Blogger Paul said...

PK, sorry no answers for you.
Been down this path a few times myself.
My fantasy life is also tied into TTWD, always looking for the perfect partner.
Hopefully it will work out for you.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.

 
At 10:03 PM, Blogger PK said...

FD,
I’m glad you don’t mind my rambling. Like I said it does help me. Now you are leading me to more posts about why I sometimes stay away from my fantasy world. I’ll delve into that soon.

Katia,
I am trying to concentrate on the good things TTWD has brought in to our lives. Everything is not perfect but there are so many improvements. I won’t give up. We still may be able to build on what has been started.

Abby,
Thanks, for me this is relaxing. I found long ago that when there is something rolling around in my head it has a tendency to get bigger and bigger and worse and worse. But once I can capture it on paper or on the computer screen it’s manageable. I can say ‘Well this is it; it’s not as big as I thought it was. I can manage this.”

Paul,
Bless your heart for being here for me. That’s what I need from my friends here, to be able to use you all as a wonderful sounding board and support system. I’m glad we are alike. Your fantasies have given me many happy moments. What more can we do for a friend.

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger ronnie said...

Wished I had the answer for you PK. I hope it all works out the way you want it to.

Love,
Ronnie
xx

 
At 2:51 PM, Blogger Terpsichore said...

I don't have anything to add in terms of advice. I don't understand my own feelings at the moment. But I hear you and am here for you. :-)

 
At 4:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, may all your wishes come true!

 
At 7:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Interesting posti for me//

 

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