Digging deeper

So I added the fact that spankings hurt more now to everything else I’m thinking about and as usual in my mind everything is connected. So here I go again. During the first part of our marriage I was not a very sexual creature. Sadly I felt like we needed to have sex only when we wanted a child. We didn’t stop having sex but I know I was not a very good partner. I knew, but chose not to share with Nick, the fact that the only thing I had found that really turned me on sexually was my fantasies about spanking and discipline. I couldn’t tell him because it was just too damn strange. So I tried like hell to suppress those feelings. I was able to, but it also complete suppressed the sexual side of me.

Eventually I threw caution to the wind and told him. He did think it was strange but he certainly didn’t seem to mind as our sex life went from once or twice a month of rather routine sex to some pretty wild and kinky sex several times a week. I never expected it to last at that pace past the ‘honeymoon’ period but for the next three years I don’t think either of us could complain. Both of us were opened to trying anything the other suggested. Some things we love and continues other weren’t us and we didn’t try again, but the closeness we felt as we grew in the life style was the best part

During all this time I kept trying to explain to Nick the discipline needs I had. It wasn’t just getting smacked on the butt that I was looking for. And that, if we have a problem at all, is the problem. The spanking he liked. The head stuff not so much. But for me all this was based on gut feelings that have been with me all my life. These questions have been with me all my life – why would anyone want to be spanked, why would a grown, capable, independent woman what her husband giving her any ‘rules’, why would this same woman be willing to submit to the authority of a husband when she has done her own thing for over 40 years? The only true answer is I don’t know and I don’t care. I have reached the age where I just know it’s true and the reasons why don’t really matter. I’m sick of trying to analyze ‘why’ when in the end it just doesn’t really matter. I just know what I want and need.

Or should I say wanted and needed. Maybe I don’t know what I want and need anymore. I’ve spent 4 years trying to explain what it is I need and Nick has been trying all that time to really understand. But it’s kinda like trying to explain color to a blind person. No matter how willing they are to understand, no matter how much they want to, they aren’t going to be able to see the colors.

The last time I went into a depression over all this I decided it would be the last time. My life is wonderful. We’re healthy, have healthy, happy kids, a fine home, friends, a little money tucked away and a closer relationship than we had for the first 23 years of our marriage. But…. all my sexually is still locked up in the fantasy. And I don’t think that’s going to change. To feel wild and kinky and uninhibited in bed I, like many women, need my mind to be engaged. The mind – the finest sexual organ God gave us. But as I try to not live in the fantasy any longer all sexual desire seems to fade away. And maybe that is why that last spanking hurt so much. If there is no reason behind it, a ‘this is the reason you’re getting a spanking,’ or sinking into a fantasy in my own head – then I’m just being smacked on the butt and it’s not triggering a sexual response, it just hurts.

Poor Nick. I think all this was hard enough to try to understand when I was giving him specific things to try. But now I’m out of ideas. Am I ‘over’ the whole thing? I don’t want to be. But more and more I feel like my old self, becoming more and more like I was before I came out. We have become closer with each other and have made improvements in our relationships that won’t go away, thank goodness - and I do feel more comfortable in my skin and in my marriage than I used to. Before we were like pleasant roommates now I see us a really good, happy roommates, but I want more.

Right now I feel myself drifting off into ‘whatever', which certainly beats sadness and depression. I feel like since I am the spanko in the family and I was the one that brought this up in the first place Nick didn’t mind me guiding and suggesting things. But I have nothing left to suggest. I’m drifting and I just hope the current will take me/us somewhere good. I do know that right now blogging and having a place to sort these thoughts out is extremely good for me.