Nick amazes me

When I wrote this post a few days ago, I was not complaining or agonizing – I was simple wondering, maybe wishing a little. I’m pretty sure Nick read it. I got a long email from him. It was a good email. He was very kind, beginning with:

2013 was I feel a pretty good year.  I know of no reason 2014 can’t be even better.   I know you have found a lot of satisfaction in taking the characters that you have known so long and getting them out in the world.  I am proud of your persistence and success.

But then he pointed out some of my largest faults -  some things I need to think about and some changes I should be making. And he was right on the money with 99% percent of his accusations. He said:

There have been times when it seemed that your focus was almost totally on blogging, writing, blogging about writing, with a few computer games thrown in when you needed a break.   When you spend so much time in the fiction/fantasy world it may be difficult to have enough physical and emotional energy to devote to real world tasks and relationships such as husband, home and work.

Ouch! Guilty.

He went on to say:

I appreciate and have loved our FAW experiences. (That First Available Weekend, when he has instructed me to plan a sexual ‘date’ for us.)  As you have asked me to try new things, I hoped we could both benefit from your efforts to take the initiative (per your instructions if not your natural inclinations).  I do look forward to see what new spin you can come with.  You have talents in this area when you put your imagination to work.  Of course there were some months where I felt like your efforts were somewhat last minute and you chose to go with something safe as you did have a lot of things going on (more important?)

Oh crap, guilty again, but still he went on:

I know you have spent a bit of time thinking and writing about how great things would be if I could be the answer to all your fantasies, always in tune with what you wanted, thought you wanted, maybe wanted, or needed.  How much time do you spend thinking about what you could do to make our real world relationship hotter or better versus the time you spend documenting the great life Cassie enjoys. How comfortable would you be if I spent that much time thinking about my dream woman and her husband?  I am not trying to suppress your creativity or your enthusiasm, but have you be aware of balance in all things.

Finally, finally, something he got wrong! Okay, sadly not all of it, but the part about Tom being my dream man. NO! He’s not and I the minute I finished reading the email I wrote Nick and did all I could to make that point clear. Tom is not my dream man; he is Cassie’s dream man. I do ‘love’ Tom, but never, never would I want to be with someone like him over Nick. Never!  But I do love him in Cassie’s stories as her man, not mine. Unfortunately, the rest of what he had said here was correct.

The last of his observation was:

You have written a lot about the desire for some disciplinary aspects to TTWD.  I would ask you to look at what I feel is important in that regard.  To complete a disciplinary cycle I see several steps:

1. A rule (or request)

2. A violation

3. A consequence

4. A concerted effort to change

He continued. and I add my thought in red.

You may feel that I haven’t been very effective in 1 and 3, and you may be right.  I am concerned about making rules that aren’t realistic or fair.  I am also concerned about going overboard on a punishment type spanking.  First, I love you and don’t want to harm you. *You won’t, if it’s too much at any one time or over all, I’ll tell you. Second, I don’t want to risk going to the point where you will be inclined to say “enough, we are not doing this anymore” * I can’t see this happening – by letting it die out (something I feel I’ve done) I have felt like I should say, ‘It’s okay honey, don’t worry about it any more.’ But deep down I can’t ever see not wanting it on my part.  I think that would be a real step back for both of us.

As for #4, I feel that we have gone through 1-3 several times without seeing the level of change that was being promised near the end of a spanking.  Without the noticeable change whether doing laundry or doing a better job on health/weight it seems to make a joke of everything, undermining the supposed exchange of power/responsibility that presumably exists in a disciplinary situation.

I answered these charges by saying:

1. A rule (or request)

You’ve done fairly poorly.

2. A violation

I’ve done fantastic at this.

3. A consequence

You’ve done very poorly.

4. A concerted effort to change

I’ve been so crappy and lacking on this one it’s not even funny. I’m a slug, I don’t want to change, I want to sit. If I were a self-motivator I’d weigh 130 and the house would be spotless. I see no danger of either of these things happening. On this one I am completely guilty, I haven’t tried.

Strangely for all the shortcoming he was pointing out I didn’t feel attacked in the least. It made me realize that he was paying much more attention than I ever realized and that he cared enough to address these things. I was especially interested in his conclusion.

In summation, if you examine the facts, I suggest that you have been a naughty girl.  And we know what naughty girls should get.

I ask that you ponder on the above and give me your thoughts on these charges.  I also ask that you give me some thoughts on what you can do, what I can do, what we can do to make 2014 an even better year.  You can talk or email directly, or have Liz or Badass to drop me some timely hints/reminders.

Love you.

I wasn’t expecting any of this. I emailed him back, letting him know I plead guilty to all charges (except about Tom) and I’m still doing a lot of thinking. I want us closer, I want TTWD in our lives, I want to be a better wife to him, both sexually and in all other ways. You see what kind of man I have, he deserves better than I’ve been giving.

Mollie was gone last night and I got spanked soon after she left. Nick gave me some long-term goals that are doable. The spanking didn't last very long, but it  hurt. (not complaining, just saying) I’m going to have to build up some tolerance, I hope I’ll have to build up a lot of tolerance.  Here we go again, I hope you don’t mind coming along for the ride.