Silence as a weapon

Our weekend had it’s up and downs. Friday was a good day, going into school late and coming home to a husband who soon had the lovely paddle I got from Blondie in his hand. I’d forgotten to write down my weight that morning. I’m supposed to do that. He reminded me with the new paddle. I’ll be telling more about the paddle soon.

Saturday was nice, cold enough to curl up by the fire and do some final edits on Cassie’s Tale and to work on the third book. Saturday night we went out with friend. It was right after we ate that something happened.

I said something and Nick rolled his eyes and laughed. Unfortunately, it was something important to me, and my feelings were really hurt. Taking the time to look back at it now, it was no big deal. I know he had not meant to hurt me at all. But I was caught off guard and it hurt.

So I went silent. I didn’t intend to use it as a weapon, I just didn’t know what else to do. I don’t mean completely silent – I answered direct question. But I just didn’t feel like engaging in small talk. So I shut him out. I could have told him that his actions had hurt my feeling, but I knew exactly what he would have said.

Do any of you remember the old movie ‘Yours, Mine and Ours’ with Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda? In the movie Fonda scoops up his hysterical thirteen-year-old daughter, not knowing what’s wrong and takes her to the doctor. The nurse, Lucille Ball, tells him she’ll be fine, she was only upset about ‘becoming a woman’.

Fonda responds by saying, “Is that all? Why didn’t she tell?”

“Because you would have said, ‘Is that all?’ Miss Ball answered.

That’s how I felt. He would have said it was no big deal (and he would have been right), but I didn’t want to hear him say it right then.

I had gone into my writing room and he finally come out and offered some playtime. I just couldn’t, I told him I was too full and just didn’t feel like it. All that was true, but of course I didn’t tell him the main reason.

After Nick went to bed, I sent him an email explaining why I’d gone so quiet earlier. I told him why it had upset me and I also told him I wasn’t upset any longer, once I’d had some time to go over it in my head, I did realize he was simply teasing and never meant to hurt me.

He answered the email much as I thought he would. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear, I still don’t think he understands why I was upset, but I also don’t think I could explain it to him. He did say that he never meant to hurt me and I do believe that.

He also told me that my giving him the ‘big chill’ had hurt his feelings. I didn’t want to do that either, but I know it happened. So I guess silence is a weapon. It’s not one I like, and I don’t ever what to hurt him. But sometimes I don’t know what else to do when I’m hurt, I don’t fight, I don’t yell or scream, I don’t throw things – I just take refuge in silence until I can resolve whatever it is in my mind. I try not to use it often.

To end on a happier note, we are fine now. And we had a wonderful Sunday afternoon. I’ll tell you all about it – and Blondie’s paddle – very soon.

I'm at Celeste Jones today, come by if you can.