Sunday, January 13, 2013

Will writing be enough?


I’m feeling better today.  Getting back to school hasn’t been my favorite thing, but the school year is on the down hill slope. I’ll survive.  I’ve really enjoyed teaching social studies this year, not nearly as stressful as teaching math.  As for Miss T and Mr. K, well I’ve tried my best to ignore them for most of the year.  It’s worked pretty well. My other partner, Megan, is a jewel and some days teaching is almost as much fun as it used to be.

The problem I mentioned in my last post, however, hasn’t gone away.  What happened is that three of my best friends in the world hurt my feelings badly.  These are real life friends that I see often; we’ve been close for decades. In trying to find a way to deal with it, I planned to do what I normally do when someone hurts me – I was going to shove it down and pretend it never happened.  That hasn’t worked well; I just can’t stop thinking about it and every time I do I start to tear up.

The reason I’m feeling better is that I’ve decided to write them.  I need to tell them how much they hurt me and explain the situations exactly the way I see it.  I think writing the letter will be very cathartic for me.  I need to point out to them what they did and explain why it was so hurtful.  Writing the letter is something I need to do for me.  Whether or not I’ll ever let them see the letter is another decision entirely.  Writing it may be enough. 

Mollie heads back to school later today and I guess our lives go back to normal.  I’m hoping I can get back to eating better (less) and exercising more.  Maybe Nick and I will even have the chance to do more than nod as we pass in the hall.  PK, Badass and Wimpy are still away and they have my libido in tow, but surely they’ll think of coming back now that things have settled down.  Cross your fingers. 

Written by PK at 5:30 PM

38 comments

38 Comments:

At 3:08 AM, Blogger Michael M said...

Do not send the letters. This would be absolutely the worst thing you could possibly do.

If you like them still, then just put it down to experience and move on.

If you don't like them then don't see them for a while, if ever.

Sending the written word to them would be distressing all round and achieve nothing.

 
At 5:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

With out knowing all the details, I would put it behind me and I would still be friends but I would be very, very worry of getting to close to them again.
I think it's a good idea to write your feelings down but like Michael said I wouldn't send it.

Bob

 
At 6:01 AM, Blogger Roz said...

((Hugs)) PK, I think writing your feelings in a letter is a good idea. Hopefully, this will go someway to resolving those feelings. I also think once you've written the letter, you will know whether sending it is a good idea or not. You have to think about the likely result of sending the letter. Perhaps it also depends on whether the situation was a one off or ongoing situation.

Hugs
Roz

 
At 7:28 AM, Blogger Paul said...

PK,
a difficult situation, I agree, write it, but be very, very sure before you send it.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.

 
At 8:36 AM, Blogger TL Bucko said...

Hey PK,

I completely get what you are saying about teaching. I felt the same way last week when I went back. I just had to start focusing on my kids, my classroom, and me.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I can't say whether or not to send the letters since I don't know all the details, but sometimes just writing it down is enough. I hope it helps you.

Hugs,
TL

 
At 8:40 AM, Blogger abby said...

I write better than I talk too....write it, re-read it, edit it..keep it for a day or two, and I agree with the above weigh the pros and cons of sending it. But don't just keep your feelings simmering!
hugs abby

 
At 10:42 AM, Blogger Florida Dom said...

PK: Good idea to write the letter. It gives you a chance to vent your feelings. And then you can decide whether or not you want to send it. And sorry that people you were good friends with have done things to hurt your feelings. Since it makes you tear up, it is obviously a difficult situation for you to deal with.

And let's hope that Badass and Wimpy return with your libido.

FD

 
At 10:51 AM, Blogger sunnygirl said...

So sorry friend.

Glad teaching is almost fun again this year. Hope this dynamic stays the same for the duration of your teaching career. It makes it so much easier to go to work if you like what you are doing.

Once the doldrums are over I bet that Badass and Wimpy will return. Get that stuff I suggested and see what happens.




 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger ians mrs said...

I have written a number of letters over the years that I didn't end up sending. Just the writing of them seemed to do the trick for me. The written word is so permanent, and the person who receives the letter has the opportunity to look at it a thousand times and reinterpret it again and again.....
Gibran:
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
 Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit,
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.

You are such a sweet person, PK - I can't imagine what would prompt your friends to hurt you so, but as I always tell my children (because someone said it to me once) at least they showed you, even this one time, what kind of people they really are. Look on it as a gift, because sometimes we go our entire lives believing that people are something that they are not.
Thinking of you
with hugs and love
lillie

 
At 11:35 AM, Blogger Cygnet said...

Ah, PK, I'm so sorry about the friendship problems. I'll bet the letter writing will help. Do you think they know that they hurt you so badly? I guess I like to think most people aren't intentionally hurtful. Maybe once you write the letters and the initial hurt softens, you'll think of a way that will help you deal with it, whether that is as drastic as just telling them straight out and damning the consequences or letting it go and moving forward.

 
At 12:19 PM, Blogger Ami Starsong said...

I agree PK, write those letters then sit on them for a while. Sometimes just the writing down of our hurt feelings is enough to keep us going in a positive direction. It's hard to comment without knowing the details. Occasionally friends will realise they have hurt your feelings, and will, of their own volition, come and apologise. Sometimes you have to just take in on the chin. It really comes down to what the hurt was, how bad it was, and whether it may happen again.

I hope you manage to resolve things.

Yes, I'm another teacher who's back in the classroom. I'm counting the weeks till half-term break!

Many hugs, Ami

 
At 3:30 PM, Blogger faerie said...

Oh PK, I'm so sorry your friends hurt you. I hope writing the letter helps you sort it all out. If not I'm coming south soon in full on pitball persona. You wanna I should take care of them for? LOL :)

 
At 3:30 PM, Blogger faerie said...

*pitbull* :)

 
At 6:56 PM, Blogger Minelle Labraun said...

I have absolutely two divergent pieces of advice....One is write it down in a letter and then sit on it and give them the benefit of the doubt.
The other is to write in the letter how their actions hurt you, without making it about what they did wrong!
Sometimes there is no easy answer , but hurting someone we care about should matter.
The hurt does not go away easily and sometimes we have to fix it before we continue.
I feel very sad about how hurt you feel and wish to jump in.....!
I hope that you and Nick find time soon. That will surely help!

 
At 8:02 PM, Blogger PK said...

Michael,
You are probably right - but I would make it very nice, but still I probably shouldn't send it.

 
At 8:03 PM, Blogger PK said...

Bob,
I think that this is one where I can forgive, but I will never, never forget.

 
At 8:05 PM, Blogger PK said...

Roz,
I've written the letter for me - what I really want to say. I haven't 'refined' it to something I could actually send. I will, just in case I ever decide to.

 
At 8:06 PM, Blogger PK said...

Paul,
After writing, I think maybe I can let it go. But there is a big chance that they will do it again. I can't take this many times.

 
At 8:09 PM, Blogger PK said...

TL,
There is so much 'stuff' piled on teachers - that has nothing at all to do with teaching the children they intrust to us. You have the right focus, I'm trying to keep mine there.

Writing it has helped, but it still hurts.

 
At 8:10 PM, Blogger PK said...

Abby,
I think I'll just keep refining it - someday they may see it.

 
At 8:13 PM, Blogger PK said...

FD,
I see them often, when I do now my chest hurts. One of the reasons it hurts so much is that they are truly nice people.

 
At 8:19 PM, Blogger PK said...

Sunny,
I believe I'll be able to make it through the next few years without major problems.

Nick is being very helpful in drawing all the girls back, can't say they are here to stay but they did pop in for a short visit.

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger PK said...

Lillie,
I love Gibran, and I appreciate these words. I've got to make this right in my mind. I know they are NOT bad people - I feel a desperation to show them how wrong they are. But now may not be the time.

 
At 8:28 PM, Blogger PK said...

Cygnet,
They will know what they did someday. I guess I can wait, because this will never go away.

 
At 8:30 PM, Blogger PK said...

Ami,
They may realize it some day, and if not, I will point it out. I guess it doesn't have to be right this minute.

Do you ever feel that the crux of teaching is just making it until the next break?

 
At 8:33 PM, Blogger PK said...

Faerie,
There are a few people I would love to have you go pit bull on for me - I'm not very good at it. But not these woman, I still love them. I just want them to understand.

 
At 8:38 PM, Blogger PK said...

Minelle,
My thoughts are all over the place. I have written, now I have to give it some time. All of you have helped me try to put the hurt behind me.

 
At 9:41 PM, Blogger SNP said...

Just making my way to read blogs here on Sunday night. I am sorry your friends hurt you. I've been there before. I think writing the letter is good and all those that have cautioned before sending...well, that is good advise. Nothing, and I mean nothing...is easy. Just Hugs to you and hold tight to the man you love. Hugs.

 
At 10:39 PM, Blogger PK said...

SNP,
Thank you for the hugs. No nothing is easy, this should have been. It should never have happened.

 
At 3:54 AM, Blogger ronnie said...

PK,

If writing the letter helps you, do it but I'd advise not to send. Sit on it for a while. If it was me, I would speak to them about it.

Love,
Ronnie
xx

 
At 1:37 PM, Blogger Terpsichore said...

I have written several letters in my lifetime. I have always found it easier to express myself in the written word rather than spoken out loud. Some of the letters I have sent, some I have not. The ones I sent were all written kindly and fairly with the belief that it was not that person's intentions to hurt me and with the focus on my feelings and how what happened affected me rather than the action itself. Just the writing itself did help to get the feelings out and validate them, and most of the time that was enough. Now, I know what you are thinking right now, and yes, I am seriously considering what you suggested to me. For now, I am taking the day to reconnect with everyone here. :-)I hope writing your letter helps, whether or not you keep the letter to yourself, or in time decide to share your feelings with your friends. I hope in time they do realize what they did hurt you, if they don't already, and you all find a way to resolve the tension and find closeness again. I am sorry you are feeling so hurt and am sending more hugs your way, Terpsichore

 
At 3:08 PM, Blogger June said...

I join the others in saying I'm sorry that your friends hurt you. It's a good tactic to write it down. It's also a good tactic to sit on it a while. When the hurt is not as immediate, you may find that you cannot let it go, but you will be coming from a less reactive place. And if you decide that you can let it go, sometimes burning lets you close the door on the bad feelings and gives you some closure (...the letter not them, lol)

 
At 9:42 PM, Blogger PK said...

It's hard to get them to a private place to talk. I'll be hanging onto the letter for a while anyway.

 
At 9:47 PM, Blogger PK said...

Terps,
I have written some mean hateful letters in my day - I never send them. Now if I really think I can make someone think I do sometimes send it. I'll have to think about this one.

I'm glad you are thinking about my suggestion.

 
At 9:48 PM, Blogger PK said...

June,
I won't be able to let it go. I may be able to push it down. But it will never go away.

 
At 9:14 PM, Blogger Kaki said...

PK, I guess I am the odd ball out. I think you should reread your letter and make sure you say what you need to say in the nicest way possible so you don't lose your friends. If I knew what I said hurt my friend I would really want to know. They won't know unless you tell them. If it is something that you thing should be obvious remember some people are dense.

You said you think it may come up again, if you don't say anything now next time you may and all the hurt building may jump out. That is, if you are like me and hold things in. Writing a letter gives the person a time to think about what you said and not react defensively.

Just my thought, glad the school year is going better than you thought and congrats on your son.

 
At 11:56 PM, Blogger PK said...

Kaki,
I'm going to get the letter just right and have it handy. Don't know if I'll show them or not, but it'll be there.

Thanks, I'll survive school - probably.

 
At 2:04 PM, Blogger Bas said...

Sorry for being late PK.
I did once made the mistake of sending off such a letter. Forgive my ignorance, I was about 17 years old then. And indeed it had the opposite result from what I expected. That person was absolutely not aware of having done something wrong, but since I mentioned some things, she could indeed think up some things that I had done wrong. It went from a little bit bad to very bad as a result from sending the letter.
No, writing is fine, sending it off is asking for problems.

 

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