Badass, Wimpy and there for PK are still missing. I’m having a hard time holding on waiting for their return. I read so many blogs, reading much more than commenting these days (shame on me, I urge you all to comment then I don’t), but Nick and I are at a different place it our journey than most of my blogging friends. I spend a lot of time thinking about TTWD – now that didn’t come from blogging, this has been true since I was a pre-teen. That means that for nearly 40 years much of my thought, my fantasies were built around the goal of someday having a dd relationship.
We tried it a little, mock discipline, things like that – but a dd relationship really just didn’t fit us. Our TTWD fell into the ‘for fun/erotic type’ and with a small sigh, I gave up the fantasy of my youth and early adult life and contented myself with the knowledge that our marriage had improved nearly a hundred percent.
But something is lacking in me these days. It’s like I’ve lost something and I don’t know how to get it back or what to replace it with. DD’s not for us, I know that now – but so much of my sexuality is/was caught up in that, or that fantasy. I want to be that little sex kitten of a wife Nick deserves, that I was for a while when we first began, but she’s just not there.
For a lot of people, and certainly for me, most of my sexual desire starts in my head. We I first came out and I let my fantasies play around in real life – wow – that was the best it’s ever been. Now I’m searching for a more realistic fantasy that will do the same thing.
It’s really more than sex I want, I want back the closeness we shared when I first came out. That thrill of ‘we have a secret’, the way we would look at one another in a crowd when a veiled spanking reference was made, we would point out stray prevertables, he’d sometimes take my hand in public or even smack my butt. I loved all that and I don’t know why it went away.
Once we make it to the bedroom, Nick is damn near perfect. But I guess, as we get older we need more time, more stimulating and I need it long before we hit the bedroom. I need my mind stimulated during the week – a nice threating text or email, to get me thinking of Nick. An impromptu spanking in the kitchen or bedroom, spankings seem to hurt a lot now, maybe some good long spankings over clothes every few days would help toughen me up for the real thing. Nick is kind enough to do a little of this, but I’d love more. Being told to wear a plug or sit on the mat for a time – I need something, anything. I want us to be a spanko/kinky couple not one of the masses.
Nick is nothing if not a gentleman – this spanko stuff is my thing and he is a willing and enthusiastic participant. But when I’m not in the mood, when I don’t feel like a spanking, when I act like it’s not something I really want, Nick backs off. I can’t blame him for that. But I need his help to get back and I’m so confused now that I don’t know exactly what to ask for.
No fussing, I am NOT bashing Nick!! I just need his help. I need to understand my self better so that I can tell him what I need to help US continue to grow closer and maintain what we've gained. In the spanko world he takes my lead because it’s my world. But right now I’m just lost and I don’t know how to help us find our way back.