I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Monday, January 28, 2013

Same old problem, no new solutions


Badass, Wimpy and there for PK are still missing.  I’m having a hard time holding on waiting for their return.  I read so many blogs, reading much more than commenting these days (shame on me, I urge you all to comment then I don’t), but Nick and I are at a different place it our journey than most of my blogging friends. I spend a lot of time thinking about TTWD – now that didn’t come from blogging, this has been true since I was a pre-teen.  That means that for nearly 40 years much of my thought, my fantasies were built around the goal of someday having a dd relationship.

We tried it a little, mock discipline, things like that – but a dd relationship really just didn’t fit us.  Our TTWD fell into the ‘for fun/erotic type’ and with a small sigh, I gave up the fantasy of my youth and early adult life and contented myself with the knowledge that our marriage had improved nearly a hundred percent. 

But something is lacking in me these days.  It’s like I’ve lost something and I don’t know how to get it back or what to replace it with.  DD’s not for us, I know that now – but so much of my sexuality is/was caught up in that, or that fantasy.  I want to be that little sex kitten of a wife Nick deserves, that I was for a while when we first began, but she’s just not there.

For a lot of people, and certainly for me, most of my sexual desire starts in my head.  We I first came out and I let my fantasies play around in real life – wow – that was the best it’s ever been.  Now I’m searching for a more realistic fantasy that will do the same thing.

It’s really more than sex I want, I want back the closeness we shared when I first came out.  That thrill of ‘we have a secret’, the way we would look at one another in a crowd when a veiled spanking reference was made, we would point out stray prevertables, he’d sometimes take my hand in public or even smack my butt.  I loved all that and I don’t know why it went away.

Once we make it to the bedroom, Nick is damn near perfect.  But I guess, as we get older we need more time, more stimulating and I need it long before we hit the bedroom.  I need my mind stimulated during the week – a nice threating text or email, to get me thinking of Nick.  An impromptu spanking in the kitchen or bedroom, spankings seem to hurt a lot now, maybe some good long spankings over clothes every few days would help toughen me up for the real thing.  Nick is kind enough to do a little of this, but I’d love more.  Being told to wear a plug or sit on the mat for a time – I need something, anything.  I want us to be a spanko/kinky couple not one of the masses.

Nick is nothing if not a gentleman – this spanko stuff is my thing and he is a willing and enthusiastic participant.  But when I’m not in the mood, when I don’t feel like a spanking, when I act like it’s not something I really want, Nick backs off.  I can’t blame him for that.  But I need his help to get back and I’m so confused now that I don’t know exactly what to ask for.

No fussing, I am NOT bashing Nick!! I just need his help. I need to understand my self better so that I can tell him what I need to help US continue to grow closer and maintain what we've gained. In the spanko world he takes my lead because it’s my world.  But right now I’m just lost and I don’t know how to help us find our way back.  

27 comments:

  1. I think you told him. It is all in the head isn't it? The thrill of a threat, leading taking charge, it changes those brain waves.
    Just keep talking to Nick sharing what makes you tick.
    I know that we all have needs that change daily as our moods do. I bet he hears that it's painful and is not sure how much to push.
    I think starting slow and building up over clothes is a great way to slide back in.

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    1. Minelle, the head is so important for women. I wonder if it is for men. Love the threat, love the carry through on those threats. He probably reads here - I'm never positive. One minute I'm ready to tell him about it and the next I chicken out and say 'whatever'.

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  2. PK,
    not being a bottom, I can't really advise.
    I think Minelle's idea has promise, at least that is what I would try.
    Love and warm hugs,
    Paul.

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    Replies
    1. Paul,
      You do more than your part by being here for me everyday. Love you!

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  3. PK...as you know, my own experiences are very similar...I could have written this post myself...so I I truly understand...and yet am no help to you because I don't have the answers either...and trust me I have been trying to find them... :-) We started slowly but there was still an excitement in the beginning and I miss that spark...I want spanking in my life and the erotic/play works for us in our relationship...I am not looking for DD as that would not work for us either...but want more...maybe I will write a post, incoherent as it may be...and if I come up with anything solid I will let you know...in the mean time keep communitcating... Hugs, Terps

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    1. Terps,
      I hope you do write that post. I know we are very similar on many things in our lives. It could well be something in what you say as you're trying to understand it in your head will trigger something in my thinking. That's what I think we all do for each other.

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  4. Anonymous9:37 AM

    Pk,

    Has Nick read the Cassie stories? I think although that is fiction it is your ideal scenario. I think in many ways you would like to Nick to be a tad bit more like Tom. In her recent story Tom spanks her because she has drifted away from him and it is his way of them reconnecting. It sounds to me like this is what you want. You want Nick to take the steps to bring you back. Maybe email him the story, or the link.

    C

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    1. C,
      It is my ideal scenario in fantasy- it's NOT that I want to be married to Tom (I'd kill him) but oh my - there are times I wish Nick could be more like him for the afternoon. I especially wish he would spank for distancing. Deep down I think Nick is satisfied when I drift away so he won't have to deal with any of it.

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  5. PK I know just what you are talking about. There are days when I don't know what I do want anymore. If Starman suddenly decided I was in need of a 'real' spanking for breaking one of the groundrules of Dd - how would I react? Part of me thrills to it and wants it, and part of me is unsure and nervous. Our weekly spanking and talking sessions are fast becoming 'not enough'. I am worried they are getting monotonous - but I don't really know what more I can bring to it all without starting to 'control'. To be banned to the sofa, or told to go upstairs and await him - I just can't see happening. But I don't know why, because he is now really enjoying the spanking sessions. But like yours, we think of them as maintenance/erotic. It's difficult. Just keep trying I say!" Tell me if you come up with anything.

    Hugs, Ami

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    1. Ami,
      We understand each other. We need to keep explaining ourselves - not controlling, just explaining. I read what is going on in your world right now. You guys will hit it head on, beat it and come back stronger. TTWD won't be your focus right now, but don't let it go either. It can be a help to you both.

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  6. Heartfelt post. I love your emphasis at the end that you were not bashing Nick (and I did not think that), but nice of you to point that out. But,I understand when you say that you needed his help. You are older and have been at TTWD longer than me (not a dig, but a fact). However, I have similar thoughts and feelings like this. We are not a DD couple and it all starts in my head and my husband tries to meet my needs, but this is more my need than his. I suppose we keep reading blogs, writing, and good communication with our spouse. Hugs.

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    1. SNP,
      You're right - goes to show that it doesn't matter how long you've been doing it it can still be tough to make yourself understood and to continue to communicate. We'll keep trying.

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  7. I understand, PK. I feel this way about erotic spanking. I love it. Ian knows well and good how much I love it, and yet it seems like it is a rare event in our lives. I try not to be demanding and selfish about it, because I want him to want to do that to me, not just give in to me once in a while. He makes it fun when he does it, but I want him to like it as much as I do....sigh.
    I imagine that it is the same sort of feeling, a little sad that it isn't readily available to me and I feel sort of hedonistic that I want this pleasure for myself when it is not really his thing. I think he feels if it is sex I want, lets skip the feather and get right to the fun....
    I don't know what the answer is, PK. I admire you for sharing your perspective...it isn't easy to let our vulnerabilities show.
    hugs and love
    lillie

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    Replies
    1. Lillie,
      You and I have the same problem in reverse - I've always wanted more realistic spankings. Something that meant something, not just all in fun. And you would like more fun and romance in spanking. I hope we can each get more of what we want.

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  8. PK don't give up but keep talking to Nick find out what he especially likes about DD and try to expand on that.
    Try doing DD for a week end or a week if possible.
    The way that I look at with Bobbie and me is that we are at different levels in this DD walk and the goal is to find a happy medium were we can meet and then build on that.

    Bob

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    1. Bob,
      Nick tell me he really likes spanking me and that he likes the lifestyle - but if I'm not pushing it, it does go away. So its hard to find that balance. Still trying though.

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  9. Hey PK - Have you asked Nick to read this post? It really seems to say it all. You've gotten some good advice above and I can't think of anything to add to it. Wishing you luck in getting what you need.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Cat,
      Like I told Minelle above one minute I want to make sure he reads it and the next minute I just want to leave it alone.

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  10. Dear PK..I have no answer for you....I wish I did.
    hugs abby

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    1. Abby,
      I'm still glad you come to visit.

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  11. If he reads this, that could be a good start. Sometimes it's so much easier to write out one's thoughts than to say it in person. Good luck.

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    1. Lea,
      I've always been better at writing my thought than talking them, especially to Nick. Don't know why, but it's true.

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  12. Hi PK, I agree with what the others have said above, get him to read this. I agree with Minelle too, starting slow and building up sounds like the way to go.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz,
      He would probably try if I got him to read this, or he may have all ready. Now it bestirring myself to try to get back in the game myself.

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  13. PK - Hang in there. I know how you are feeling. Hope we find that perfect balance soon. (((Hugs)

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    1. Blondie,
      Yes you DO know how I feel. Maybe one of us will stumble across the answer someday.

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  14. I know others have suggested you ask him to read it. You said the next minute you want to leave it alone. But leaving it alone isn't working for you so you might as well suggest that he read it. And good luck in dealing with this.

    FD

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