The reasons I put up my post about first world problems was not to tell you I was going to stop whining and complaining out here – it was just to let you all know that I’m aware of how good I really have it. I want to be able to rant about my little problems here and get your advice, but I also want everyone to know not to take me too seriously when I complain – I especially want me to remember not to take myself too seriously.
That being said, I want to complain. My goal for this vacation was to do little or nothing. That’s exactly what I’ve done – little to nothing, and now I feel like a big blob who has wasted my time. I’ve gotten a little writing done, but not as much as I should have. Things are hopping over at Cassie’s, she’s been so busy I can’t even figure out how to tell it all, but she usually stays on me until I do.
Here things are not hopping, everything is just spreading like sludge. The gang, Badass, Wimpy and PK are still missing (off with Bas’ Little Wicked Demon Rogue’s Dopp no doubt) but that does me little good. But there is something else missing. I’ve had the fantasy, dream, and desire for dd since I was a kid. It was exciting finding the blogs and coming out to Nick. It was exciting as we first began, discussing what we were doing, laughing as we found new toys to try. I pushed a lot for some type of discipline back then – even though I knew it wasn’t Nick’s thing. But back then, who knew, he might try it and actually like it. The wondering and hoping was exciting.
But last year I decided to grow up and accept that that part of the fantasy wasn’t in the cards for us for lots of reasons. It wasn’t Nick’s desire, we really had no ‘issues’ to resolve in such a way, and evidently I like doing what I want, when I want, with no one bossing me in the least. So that should have been it – problem solved. Stop looking for discipline and enjoy the fun, erotic side of TTWD.
Well that works most of the time, but sometimes I feel a ‘mood’ coming on. I feel like we’re in a rut. I feel like we have nowhere to go from here. Here’s not bad, I like where we are, but… even great gets ordinary after a while. I think it’s the mental/emotional aspect I’m still longing for. When I get like this I get annoyed when Nick ‘suggest’ I do thing. I’m not very nice to him in my head, although I’d never say anything unkind to him aloud. In my head it runs something like this “Don’t ‘suggest’ I do anything. If you want me to do something, tell me to do it or you’ll bust my ass and then follow through. If you’re not willing to do that then stay out of my business, don’t try and tell me what to do, leave me alone.” I withdraw whether he realizes it or not.
I know part of this is coming from having Mollie home and having very little time for any adult playtime. I know for some women this would leave them frantic and ready to lock the kids out for some of that adult time. Unfortunately, I just go into mommy mode or something, I lose the mood completely, shut down and go into my own little world.
I guess what I’m looking for are ways of keeping TTWD new and exciting after many years. If any of you have suggestions I’d like to hear them.