I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Thursday, October 11, 2012

I finally told him

Good luck following this, I’m trying to write and think at the same time – always a dangerous undertaking.

*NOTE – to those fairly new to my blog, I want to be sure you know that there are only two people in this relationship – Nick and me.  All other people, persona, or characters live only in the labyrinth of my mind.

I was surprised and happy to get the email from Nick the other day.  I knew what he had said was true and I thought maybe, just maybe, he was going to make me pay for my somewhat one-sided take on everything.  But it didn’t happen.  We met, but I only got the mildest of spankings and that was all.  I was disappointed and frustrated, but not at Nick. I was disappointed and frustrated with myself.  I couldn’t, actually wouldn’t, tell him what I needed.

Bas asked why I couldn’t just be happy with the fun, sexy side of spanking.  That would make everything sooo much easier. But I need… I need…  What do I need?

That’s a rhetorical question – I already know.  I’ve always known, but I never fully shared it with Nick because I’ve always felt like I shouldn’t need it. This is part of what I said to Nick.
I was embarrassed coming out to you.  And I’m embarrassed now to say that there are times I need so much more. Yesterday, you called me on my unfairness to you in some of the things I’d written. I was relieved, I wanted you to spank - but I needed more, and I couldn't bring myself to ask.  Sometimes I just want you to spank until I’m done in, near tears, begging you to please stop, I want to be sore and bruised and totally spent.  I know I’m probably scaring you just saying this.  But it’s still true.  I don’t need this all the time, but sometimes I do.

There was more, but you get the idea.  Here is part of his reply –

What you need to know is I am quite willing to spank your butt well and often!  I just never seem to know if it should be short or extended or for foreplay, relief, discipline, maintenance, or something else.

Keep thinking and keep talking.

With that invitation I took the plunge and told him exactly what I wanted. 

Sometimes I just need to go to this place in my head that’s darker. I need someone to take me there that is not my sweet, loving husband.  I don’t want someone who is cruel or vicious, but someone willing to take on the task of keeping my head in the right place. Someone who will spank hard and long, not for real infractions, but to let me experience the kind of release I think I'll get.  Maybe I can ask him for a date sometimes. He needs to be someone good with a warm up and serious about the spanking, he’s got a job to do and it’s not to be kind and gentle.  I don’t want to hear ‘I’ll spank until I tell you to stop.’  That puts the control back on me and it doesn’t work.  I just say stop when I think he’s probably getting bored.  I know my safe word, and I’ll use it if I need to.

Badass, who is never far away, immediately popped in and offered her friend, Hardass.  She said he was always available to come by, but that he’d wait for an invitation.  So I did extend an invitation to him.  Nick says he’s planning on coming by tonight. Nick also emailed me the spankers mantra – ‘Be careful what you wish for.’

We’ll see how it goes. I don’t need words, or scolding.  My over burdened imagination will provide that right in my head. Will I want to see Hardass twice a month or twice a year?  Maybe one visit will be sufficient.  If this works as I thing it could, it could be a real break through for me.  It does put the ball in my court to extend the invitation.  When I don’t, Nick and I are free to play just for the fun of it without me secretly wanting something heavier.

Maybe it's not discipline I’ve been looking for after all, maybe it's just this release.

Now I guess I'll have to wait until Sunday or Monday to let you know how things went.


  1. I wish you both to get what you want.
    No insecurity abbout what the other wishes.
    It's unbelievable, how much I understand Nick's thinking.
    He wants to see you happy, he's willing to do everything for that.
    His only problem is, that whatever he does, you still give him the impression that you are unhappy. It makes him unhappy when he is unable to make you happy.
    Succes tonight.

  2. Just glad you are communicating your needs to Nick and he is listening and communicating back. There are no easy answers, but I think you are on the right track.

  3. glad you are both communicating with each other and listening. he so wants to please you and make you happy. I wish for you both just that - happiness! :-) Hope you get what you wish for :-) And please do tell - as you know my feelings on the subject are very similar to yours in many ways and at the moment I am living vicariously through you... :-)

  4. PK,
    I hope that this works out for you.
    Love and warm hugs,

  5. Ditto what Terps had to say. Good luck.

  6. Good for you, PK
    You are making the life you want, the relationship you know you can have, and it sounds like Nick is good to go.
    He sounds like a really good man who wants to give you what you need.
    I hope everything works out smackingly......I mean smashingly. :)

  7. Nick is such a good man PK. I'm glad your both communication and I hope you both get what you want.

    Love and hugs,

  8. It's so very hard to be open and honest about our most private, sensitive desires and needs.

    I hope that it goes well. Try to be patient, to understand, and to keep giving gentle feedback. You're on the same team.

    I wish both of you lots of luck and love.

  9. PK; So glad you spelled out what you need.And I hope you keep spelling it out. He made such a good point that he sometimes isn't sure what you want and need. Tell him. Tell him. And keep telling him. I compare it to a woman wanting to be touched a certain way and she assumes he knows and is frustrated that he doesn't do it when the real problem is that he doesn't know. I hope you keep communicating and good luck.


  10. We are all rooting for you. Honest communication, no holds barred.
    I know Nick will be there for you. I bet he has suspected what you really want anyway. Maybe he just wanted you to spell it out, so he can proceed.

  11. Bas,
    I can easily tell that you understand Nick. Many of your post and comments have helped me understand him better too. Thank you for your good wishes, they came true.

    We can communicate, but we forget to often. As you’re married longer and longer you do let it slip sometimes.

    We connected – I’ll blog soon. Always love hearing from you.

    Thank you. I know you want the best for me and your love and warm hugs always mean a great deal to me.

    It was a very interesting afternoon.

    He is a good man. He stuck by me when I was a lousy wife and he’s sticking now that I continue to confuse him. I love that man.

    You’ve been around a long time with me, listening to me whine and complain. Thanks for sticking with me too.

    He and I are on the same team. We both want a happy marriage and we do have it. It may ebb and flow a bit, but we do get along better than most.

    I told this time and he listened. I’m very grateful.

    I don’t know if he suspected or not, but he did seem to understand.

  12. All I can say is.....

    Oh my!


  13. Grace,
    I would say that summed it up pretty well!

  14. I thoroughly understand the need to be pushed. We do that sometimes - sometimes for me, sometimes for him. Do as Nick said, keep thinking, keep communicating. That is the most important work.