What I want, what I need

Yesterday was Nick’s birthday.  And I did get his birthday spanking, with all the trimmings.  He used a different implement for each decade and I was stinging toward the end – my fault entirely for being married to an old man! But we had a very good time.  Now on to the post I’ve been trying to work on…

Last week was a strange one.  I began three posts and didn’t finish any of them because I just didn’t know what I wanted to say. But here goes, because if it rolls around in my head any longer it gonna explode.

Let me preface this with the fact I know we are both (mostly Nick) running in circles with the renovations, but Nick and I are in one of our most difficult and long lasting cycles.  We each want one important thing from the other, yet neither of us is getting what we want/need.  I want Nick to be more dominant and to spank me more, Nick wants me to initiate sex more.  Neither of us means to ‘hold back’ as in “Since you won’t do this, then I won’t do that.” But the effects are the same.

I liked Bas’ last post – he described our problem pretty well. I’ve never really felt sexy.  Like most girls coming to age in the 60’s and 70’s, I learned about sex from my mother.  Who had in turn, learned from her mother, who was born in 1880!!  Yes it was these two wild women who formed my view on sex.  The basic idea was that ‘nice girl’ only did it after marriage, and only if they wanted to get pregnant. Later they might choose to 'endure sex' to possibly keep their husband from straying.  The idea was to allow your husband to have his way with you and hope he didn’t wake you.

Intellectually, I didn’t believe that.  I think we girls should pole dance and strip for our man; install that trapeze right into the mirror over the bed.  I think our toy boxes should be filled with every vibrating apparatus known to man and that our closet shelves should be lined with spanking implements.

I think that, but I never really lived it.  When we were first married I just wasn't much good at sex, I was so repressed.  But I rarely, if ever, turned him down. Nick’s not stupid and I know he felt my lack of enthusiasm and participation.  He wanted more of a response, I’m sure, but he was a gentleman and wasn’t pushy.  And over the years we probably averaged once a month.

I was one of those women who wanted to want sex – I really did want to feel that way, but it never happened.  So I quit trying, I buried myself in the children and Nick buried himself in work and we lived our lives.  Most of the time I pretended to myself that I wasn’t a sexual creature.  But when I did let myself go and fantasies, it was always about being dominated and spanked. And slowly the truth dawned on me.

Somewhere with in me was a hidden belief that nice girls don’t have sex and if they do they certainly don’t enjoy it.  But, if the man was in complete control, if you had no choice, if you had to do as he said, well then if you had sex and you enjoyed it, it wasn’t your fault !  For me, submission in the bedroom was what truly freed me.

When we first began all this, the more dominant he acted the hotter it was for me and the sexier.  Back then, the spankings were longer – sometimes really hard and my mind had a chance to ‘catch up’.  I had time to fall into my fantasy of ‘this man is in total control, I belong to him and I’ll do anything he says.’  Not only did my mind responded, so did my body. It was hot as hell, and for the first time in my life I felt sexy, I felt desirable and I wanted him in every sexy way possible!  And I did find myself initiating more, not tons, but more.  I didn’t even mind when occasionally he would turn me down, with a ‘not right now’.  Damn, that was hot – for me to want sex and be denied made me long for it more, and that was a feeling that I loved!

When Nick has me pick the implements, when he says ‘I’ll keep spanking until you tell me to stop, even when he says this is your treat, what would you like?’ It has the total opposite effect on me than what you would think.  This puts me back in charge and I can’t fully let go.

As the years have passed and TTWD is not longer brand new to us we fall into ‘habits’.  When Nick wants to make love, he will spank for a little while, but never long enough for my mind and body to catch up before he move on to other things.  I need that feeling of sexual dominance a little all along.

In our everyday life I am not submissive and he is not dominant.  We are equal.  But I don’t mind play-acting to improve our sex life.  A dominant text or email, telling me to do something (even like a house hold chore) is hot. A message that I’m going to be spanked later – for any reason or just because he wants to, is hot.  The threat, and follow through, of a particular implement, is hot.  A hard spanking before we leave the house to go somewhere so that I am actually sitting on a sore stinging bottom for the evening is ultra hot! (That was written by Badass, of course – we’ve sent Wimpy away for the moment.)

The first time he ever used his belt I bruised pretty badly. The reason for the spanking, he told me, was that I had talked and wondered so much about ‘punishment’ that he thought he would give me a taste of what to expect.  So he wasn’t angry, just serious (the attitude I love for him to have when spanking). We were going out to eat with some friends that night and my butt hurt!  There was no way I could sit without feeling it.  I could not keep the grin off my face all night and I was dying to get that man in bed when we got home.

I want Nick to spank more; he wants me to initiate more.  We love each other and we’ll work this out. I’ve posted several things over the last few weeks I wanted him to read, but I never ask him to.  I think I’ll ask him to read this one and maybe we’ll both get more of what we want.