I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Sunday, February 12, 2012

Explaining to a vanilla or A talk with my sister

I had an interesting experience last weekend when my sister came to help me edit some writing I’ve been doing. When you write spanking fiction you can’t ask just anyone to help you. She agreed to edit as long as she was able to add her personal thoughts and opinions in the margins. It seemed a small price to pay. But you need to know, my sister is one hundred percent VANILLA!

She is a good person for me to talk with about TTWD. She has known Nick for more than 30 years so she hasn’t the slightest fear that I might be in an abusive situation. She also knows, and grudgingly admits, that my marriage is better than hers in many ways. But she is still curious. When she asks questions she really wants to know my answers, she’s not just waiting to tell me why I’m wrong.

Her first question was “Why do you feel the need to be punished?” Hmmmm… I had to think a while on that one and she waited. It’s no secret that the discipline/punishment side of TTWD holds a great fascination for me. It’s not the way we’ve gone with TTWD, but there is a part of me that craves it sometimes. Here’s want I finally explained to my sister.

It’s not punishment I crave, its dominance. I’ve always wanted the feeling that someone cared enough about me to take away my burdens and keep me safe and loved. I reminded her for the past 30 years or so I’ve been very much in charge of everything. As a teacher I have 70 some little people looking at me like I’m the boss (at least most of the time) I manage students with various personalities, resolve conflicts, ease little girls through their first periods and talk with boys about why the girls don’t like him. And all that is before I do any teaching. As the years have passed and my colleagues have gotten younger I find myself in some of these rolls for them as well.

I’ve raised my own kids too, they brought their questions and conflicts to me. Nick is a great dad and enjoyed the kids in the evening but I had the day to day. Then both parents began to fail. I juggled doctor’s appointments, paid their bills, organized their medicines and had to make life changing decisions for them, all while my kids were still young. But all too soon, mom and dad were gone and the kids were out of the house more. I actually had time to think of me and what I wanted from life. All the old fantasies of my youth flooded back.

I didn’t want to make decisions any more. I wanted to be relieved of it all, to be told what to do. . . and yes I wanted to be disciplined if I didn’t do it. Well anyway, that was the fantasy. I guess you all know that Cassie and Tom are my favorite fantasy couple. I love that her safety and well being is his primary focus and he would surely spank her if she put herself in danger or neglected her health. This is from an old post, but it still explains it well.

When I first ask Nick for this way of life we had a fairly rocky start. I got him hooked by asking him to help me make the changes and choices to become healthier and lose weight. I would mess up and he didn’t want to spank. He wanted to let it go or make excuses for me. I hated that and it hurt my feelings. I didn’t feel cared for or protected and I guess that is what we’re looking for.

Although I know he did not mean to send this message this is the one I heard –

“Sure I care but not that much. You are a big girl. If you know you need to do something and you chose not to that’s your business. But you are on your own because I find all this confusing and you’re just not worth the effort.”

I know this was not what he was really thinking, but to the spanko mind this is what came through. When my husband did start 'getting it' and a couple of times spanked me hard, not for gaining, but for over indulging in junk food or slacking off on my exercise, I got a whole other message.

“You are my wife. I love you, I love you way too much to allow you to disregard our agreement on the best way for you to improve your health and put yourself in jeopardy. I care enough about you to put some boundaries and guidelines around you to keep you safe. And yes I will wear you out if necessary to show you just how serious I am about my love for you.”

Nothing in my life has made me feel more loved, cherished, cared for or happy than for him to show his love for me in this way.

There was a time when I really wanted Nick to take more control. I was so into it at the time I believe I would have really listened to anything he wanted. I wanted to be submissive in so many ways. I don’t know if it would have died out quickly or not. It sure would have been fun finding out – but Nick never wanted that job. And gradually over the years I’ve let it go with a little sadness sometimes. I wanted to experience submission, but I know Nick would have been uncomfortable and I doubt I would have enjoyed it in the long run.

In the end I was able to explain to my sister that what I wanted was the overall feeling of being thought about, cherished, loved, and protected and that since I was born a spanko, it’s often the act of spanking that makes me feel this way.

There was more to our conversation and I’ll be sharing soon.

12 comments:

  1. I really liked your post, PK! I think it's neat that you are able to share all this with your sister who is completely vanilla. I hope to be able to share this with some of my close friends who are not into the lifestyle.

    I also like your outlook on what D/s means and how it makes you feel so cherished and safe; that is exactly why I enjoy it as well!

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  2. PK, great to have a sister like that, and that she listens.
    Love and warm hugs,
    Paul.

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  3. What a wonderful relationship you have with your sister.

    I can totally sympathize with all the different hats we have to wear. Being in charge and making the decisions for so many people can be draining.

    It can be so easy to forget to take care of ourselves, maybe that is what we want. For me feeling his power and control is akin to knowing someone does care enough to look out for me.

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  4. As you well know, this is "My Story".
    Great post. The teacher in you comes through loud and clear. I definitely this this post is "a teachable moment".

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  5. Anonymous8:47 AM

    What a wonderful relationship you have with your sister.

    I can totally sympathize with all the different hats we have to wear. Being in charge and making the decisions for so many people can be draining.

    It can be so easy to forget to take care of ourselves, maybe that is what we want. For me feeling his power and control is akin to knowing someone does care enough to look out for me.

    Faerie

    (For some reason this didn't show up under Faerie's name.)

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  6. I enjoyed hearing more about your longings regarding ttwd. Thanks for sharing.

    Love,
    Kitty

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  7. Very good at explaining not only to your sister but to anyone who is curious about the lifestyle. I really understand how you have felt and feel. I really want my husband to be in charge after I have been in charge for so long. Thanks

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  8. I agree with Blondie, such a great way to explain to anybody about this lifestyle, its that feeling of being loved and cared for and someone who cares enough about you to take action.
    Love it, love the post, cant wait to read the rest
    BTW - I read one of cassie's storys last week but blogger (stupid thing) wouldnt let me comment but needless to say i think im in love with Tom LOL - perfect couple, im going to go back and try and comment again later today x
    xxx

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  9. Riley,
    It took me a while to be able to share with some close friends. There still are only a few who know, but they seem cool with it and often ask questions.

    Paul,
    We weren’t always this close. But as we have gotten older we have few secrets. We’re really not that much alike but we enjoy each other more.

    Sunnygirl,
    Sometimes I think it’s me I’m trying to teach. Writing it all out help me understand myself better. If it’s helping others understand that great too.

    Faerie,
    Exactly, we caretakers need someone to MAKE us take care of ourselves sometimes. Having a husband who loves us enough to do this make us feel save.

    Kitty,
    It’s funny how we are each so different in exactly what we want and yet so similar in our overall feelings.

    Blondie,
    It’s really hard sometime to get our fellows to realize what we want. Old patterns and habits are hard to break. But I still think it’s worth the effort to try.

    Kiwi,
    Having a man who cares enough to spank because we need them to, even when they don’t understand that need is very special.

    Thank you sooo much for reading Cassie. That means so much to me. I hope you will be able to comment there if you like a story.

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  10. "It’s not punishment I crave, its dominance. I’ve always wanted the feeling that someone cared enough about me to take away my burdens and keep me safe and loved."

    You put it so well. It can be hard to understand these things ourselves sometimes, much less explaining it to someone else.

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  11. PK: As usual, you give such a good explanation of TTWD. I hope she was very sympathetic as you explained it to her.

    FD

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  12. Great post! Can't wait to find out how the rest of the conversation goes!

    HUGS!
    grace

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