I had an interesting experience last weekend when my sister came to help me edit some writing I’ve been doing. When you write spanking fiction you can’t ask just anyone to help you. She agreed to edit as long as she was able to add her personal thoughts and opinions in the margins. It seemed a small price to pay. But you need to know, my sister is one hundred percent VANILLA!
She is a good person for me to talk with about TTWD. She has known Nick for more than 30 years so she hasn’t the slightest fear that I might be in an abusive situation. She also knows, and grudgingly admits, that my marriage is better than hers in many ways. But she is still curious. When she asks questions she really wants to know my answers, she’s not just waiting to tell me why I’m wrong.
Her first question was “Why do you feel the need to be punished?” Hmmmm… I had to think a while on that one and she waited. It’s no secret that the discipline/punishment side of TTWD holds a great fascination for me. It’s not the way we’ve gone with TTWD, but there is a part of me that craves it sometimes. Here’s want I finally explained to my sister.
It’s not punishment I crave, its dominance. I’ve always wanted the feeling that someone cared enough about me to take away my burdens and keep me safe and loved. I reminded her for the past 30 years or so I’ve been very much in charge of everything. As a teacher I have 70 some little people looking at me like I’m the boss (at least most of the time) I manage students with various personalities, resolve conflicts, ease little girls through their first periods and talk with boys about why the girls don’t like him. And all that is before I do any teaching. As the years have passed and my colleagues have gotten younger I find myself in some of these rolls for them as well.
I’ve raised my own kids too, they brought their questions and conflicts to me. Nick is a great dad and enjoyed the kids in the evening but I had the day to day. Then both parents began to fail. I juggled doctor’s appointments, paid their bills, organized their medicines and had to make life changing decisions for them, all while my kids were still young. But all too soon, mom and dad were gone and the kids were out of the house more. I actually had time to think of me and what I wanted from life. All the old fantasies of my youth flooded back.
I didn’t want to make decisions any more. I wanted to be relieved of it all, to be told what to do. . . and yes I wanted to be disciplined if I didn’t do it. Well anyway, that was the fantasy. I guess you all know that Cassie and Tom are my favorite fantasy couple. I love that her safety and well being is his primary focus and he would surely spank her if she put herself in danger or neglected her health. This is from an old post, but it still explains it well.
When I first ask Nick for this way of life we had a fairly rocky start. I got him hooked by asking him to help me make the changes and choices to become healthier and lose weight. I would mess up and he didn’t want to spank. He wanted to let it go or make excuses for me. I hated that and it hurt my feelings. I didn’t feel cared for or protected and I guess that is what we’re looking for.
Although I know he did not mean to send this message this is the one I heard –
“Sure I care but not that much. You are a big girl. If you know you need to do something and you chose not to that’s your business. But you are on your own because I find all this confusing and you’re just not worth the effort.”
I know this was not what he was really thinking, but to the spanko mind this is what came through. When my husband did start 'getting it' and a couple of times spanked me hard, not for gaining, but for over indulging in junk food or slacking off on my exercise, I got a whole other message.
“You are my wife. I love you, I love you way too much to allow you to disregard our agreement on the best way for you to improve your health and put yourself in jeopardy. I care enough about you to put some boundaries and guidelines around you to keep you safe. And yes I will wear you out if necessary to show you just how serious I am about my love for you.”
Nothing in my life has made me feel more loved, cherished, cared for or happy than for him to show his love for me in this way.
There was a time when I really wanted Nick to take more control. I was so into it at the time I believe I would have really listened to anything he wanted. I wanted to be submissive in so many ways. I don’t know if it would have died out quickly or not. It sure would have been fun finding out – but Nick never wanted that job. And gradually over the years I’ve let it go with a little sadness sometimes. I wanted to experience submission, but I know Nick would have been uncomfortable and I doubt I would have enjoyed it in the long run.
In the end I was able to explain to my sister that what I wanted was the overall feeling of being thought about, cherished, loved, and protected and that since I was born a spanko, it’s often the act of spanking that makes me feel this way.
There was more to our conversation and I’ll be sharing soon.