Aaarrrrrggg!! I’m driving myself nuts! It’s my fault – I know it’s me but I just don’t know what the hell to do about it. I am basically a happy person, an optimist. But two things can get me down pretty quickly. One is everything about my job except the actual teaching part and the other is Nick ignoring TTWD. When they come together it often lead to me being really down. Work – well there is nothing I can do about that. Nick ignoring TTWD – not much I seem to be able to do about that either.
My first friends here were in the same boat I was in. We had dear sweet men in our lives that had no idea why their nutty women wanted to be spanked, but they spanked us. They tried to understand that we wanted them to be the boss (as long as they didn’t really try to boss us around), and they tried to make a few ‘rules’ to make us happy and fulfill our needs but always wondering, I’m sure, when we would say ‘hey that’s enough, back off.’
I think I was the one in the group who had the desire for a little more realism than the others seemed to need. Now I find myself as little envious when I read blogs where the husbands seem to enjoy the dominate side of all of this more than Nick does. Some of the husbands out here seem to actively look for reasons to spank – both just for fun or in some type of discipline. Trust me I don’t want any of these men (even though I’m sure that they’re great guys) I only want Nick. I just wish Nick was more into TTWD.
So here’s where I am. I write emails to Nick, I write posts trying to let him know what I really need to be my best self – the happy, sexy wife that I know he wants. He reads it, I think he’s willing but there isn’t much follow through. He’s hasn’t learned my spanko language of love – threats. Telling me “If you don’t do _______ I’m going to spank your butt.” Texting me ‘If I find dishes in the living room when I get home I’m getting out the hairbrush’. An email saying ‘Surprise mid week weigh in, if you aren’t lower than you were Friday you’re getting spanked’. These bits of communication wouldn’t take much effort on his part but it would mean the world to me to know he was thinking along these lines. I don’t really care if he’s being serious or just playing because he knows how much I need it. When weeks go by and there is no spanking and not even any talking about TTWD, I just get down. Now I'm not being completely fair here - there has been a little spanking since I went back to work but not nearly enough to engage my mind and, of course, that's where I need stimulation.
I stay quiet when I start to get down. Remember Nick hasn’t done anything wrong – I have no reason to be mad at him and I’m not, but I start to get down. He usually has no idea and I’m sure he is often blindsided by my moods. So when we find we have some time alone and he extends an invitation to play I’m often in one of these ‘dark moods’. I don’t want to turn him down or fuss about the long time we’ve gone without TTWD being mentioned. I want to be happy about the time we have but since I am sad/ down/ hurt I have two choices. I can spoil everything and hurt Nick’s feelings by saying I don’t feel like playing. Or suppressing my feeling and just go along. It’s not that I don’t enjoy myself when I go along when I’m not really in the mood, but when I suppress these feelings I feel like my old self, I don’ t like that. When that happens I’m not being honest with Nick and I’m not being honest with myself.
I guess I’m not alone. Bonnie’s brunch question is on this very subject. So what do I do? Do I continue to try to get Nick as into TTWD as I am or do I accept that it’s just never going to be as important to him as it is to me? It worries me that so much of my sexual self is tied up in this. When we are spanking regularly, when we are discussing the dynamics of TTWD, when we are teasing about it, when we exchange email and text about it I am on top of the world. I'm happy at work, I’m cheerful at home, I don't mind exercising or trying to eat right and I’m anxious to have sex whenever we get the chance. I just feel 'right'.
But when we go weeks will little action or even discussion on the topic I can do one of two things. First, I can withdraw and pretend it doesn't matter. When that happens I’m not PK, I’m not a sexual creature; I’m just my old self that I was at the beginning of our marriage. That's not a bad person but I like me better now. Or two, I start to get really hurt and depressed. Neither feeling is very good. So there needs to be a third choice.
Every time I write a post like this I swear to myself it’s the last one like it I’ll never write. I know this sounds like one long complaint but I honest and truly don’t mean this as a post where I'm fussing about Nick. Nick is the best husband in the world and I feel like I am treated better than 95% of the wives on the planet! I guess he’s doing the best he can when it comes to TTWD. He can’t make himself into a spanko any more than I can stop being one. So maybe I just need to get off his back. Maybe it's time to let TTWD go for a while. Maybe I should spend more time trying to find out what he wants and needs instead of continually asking, demanding, whining about my needs.