I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Sunday, September 12, 2010

Maybe it's just time to let it go

Aaarrrrrggg!! I’m driving myself nuts! It’s my fault – I know it’s me but I just don’t know what the hell to do about it. I am basically a happy person, an optimist. But two things can get me down pretty quickly. One is everything about my job except the actual teaching part and the other is Nick ignoring TTWD. When they come together it often lead to me being really down. Work – well there is nothing I can do about that. Nick ignoring TTWD – not much I seem to be able to do about that either.

My first friends here were in the same boat I was in. We had dear sweet men in our lives that had no idea why their nutty women wanted to be spanked, but they spanked us. They tried to understand that we wanted them to be the boss (as long as they didn’t really try to boss us around), and they tried to make a few ‘rules’ to make us happy and fulfill our needs but always wondering, I’m sure, when we would say ‘hey that’s enough, back off.’

I think I was the one in the group who had the desire for a little more realism than the others seemed to need. Now I find myself as little envious when I read blogs where the husbands seem to enjoy the dominate side of all of this more than Nick does. Some of the husbands out here seem to actively look for reasons to spank – both just for fun or in some type of discipline. Trust me I don’t want any of these men (even though I’m sure that they’re great guys) I only want Nick. I just wish Nick was more into TTWD.

So here’s where I am. I write emails to Nick, I write posts trying to let him know what I really need to be my best self – the happy, sexy wife that I know he wants. He reads it, I think he’s willing but there isn’t much follow through. He’s hasn’t learned my spanko language of love – threats. Telling me “If you don’t do _______ I’m going to spank your butt.” Texting me ‘If I find dishes in the living room when I get home I’m getting out the hairbrush’. An email saying ‘Surprise mid week weigh in, if you aren’t lower than you were Friday you’re getting spanked’. These bits of communication wouldn’t take much effort on his part but it would mean the world to me to know he was thinking along these lines. I don’t really care if he’s being serious or just playing because he knows how much I need it. When weeks go by and there is no spanking and not even any talking about TTWD, I just get down. Now I'm not being completely fair here - there has been a little spanking since I went back to work but not nearly enough to engage my mind and, of course, that's where I need stimulation.

I stay quiet when I start to get down. Remember Nick hasn’t done anything wrong – I have no reason to be mad at him and I’m not, but I start to get down. He usually has no idea and I’m sure he is often blindsided by my moods. So when we find we have some time alone and he extends an invitation to play I’m often in one of these ‘dark moods’. I don’t want to turn him down or fuss about the long time we’ve gone without TTWD being mentioned. I want to be happy about the time we have but since I am sad/ down/ hurt I have two choices. I can spoil everything and hurt Nick’s feelings by saying I don’t feel like playing. Or suppressing my feeling and just go along. It’s not that I don’t enjoy myself when I go along when I’m not really in the mood, but when I suppress these feelings I feel like my old self, I don’ t like that. When that happens I’m not being honest with Nick and I’m not being honest with myself.

I guess I’m not alone. Bonnie’s brunch question is on this very subject. So what do I do? Do I continue to try to get Nick as into TTWD as I am or do I accept that it’s just never going to be as important to him as it is to me? It worries me that so much of my sexual self is tied up in this. When we are spanking regularly, when we are discussing the dynamics of TTWD, when we are teasing about it, when we exchange email and text about it I am on top of the world. I'm happy at work, I’m cheerful at home, I don't mind exercising or trying to eat right and I’m anxious to have sex whenever we get the chance. I just feel 'right'.

But when we go weeks will little action or even discussion on the topic I can do one of two things. First, I can withdraw and pretend it doesn't matter. When that happens I’m not PK, I’m not a sexual creature; I’m just my old self that I was at the beginning of our marriage. That's not a bad person but I like me better now. Or two, I start to get really hurt and depressed. Neither feeling is very good. So there needs to be a third choice.

Every time I write a post like this I swear to myself it’s the last one like it I’ll never write. I know this sounds like one long complaint but I honest and truly don’t mean this as a post where I'm fussing about Nick. Nick is the best husband in the world and I feel like I am treated better than 95% of the wives on the planet! I guess he’s doing the best he can when it comes to TTWD. He can’t make himself into a spanko any more than I can stop being one. So maybe I just need to get off his back. Maybe it's time to let TTWD go for a while. Maybe I should spend more time trying to find out what he wants and needs instead of continually asking, demanding, whining about my needs.


  1. Sadly, I'm in a similar boat. :(

  2. PK dear girl, this is just a passage on life's path.
    Nick knows what you need.
    Things look dim and dark at the moment, things will improve, I guarantee it.
    So perk up dear girl, this too will pass.
    Love and warm hugs,

  3. PK: I thought of you, of course, when I posted on Bonnie's comment. It is such a Catch 22. He is such a great husband and yet it is difficult for him to fill your need in this one area.

    But I don't think you can just let it go. The toothpaste is out of the tube. The hunger is still there and it is not going to go away.

    But then I don't have the answer. The shame is that you are now in an empty nest situation with more time to play.

    I just keep hoping the lightbulb will go off in his head one day and he will think, hey, this is all I have to do to keep my lovely wife very, very happy. It is not that hard to do.

    And don't make this your last post on the subject. I think venting is a good thing and that is what this community is for for us to support each other.


  4. PK - Judging from the number of blogs I read, you are far from alone with this problem. So many female bloggers want a DD spanking relationship that their husbands just aren't interested in having. You are luckier than many, because your Nick does spank, and he does try to do the rule thing from time to time.

    Talking about it help, but you can't put those special words you want to hear into his mouth. I don't know Nick, of course, but with some men, the more you push them, the more they resist. Back off and it will come from them. It might help to stick to the playful aspects of spanking and forget the rules for a while.

    See what the other responses to Bonnie's brunch are. Who knows? You might see a solution there.


  5. This is a tough one. Life goes by too quickly after the forties and fifties, so you should definitely be asking for and being given the things that you want in your life. Otherwise what is the point? I have to say that my husband would paddle me raw if I was a confirmed spanko like you. In my case it was Robert that came out to me and said that he wanted more spankings and discipline in his life and I have now grown to accept that and relish the control which I have. I also get a well behaved husband which is an added bonus.
    I think you should follow up this idea of talking to Nick again. He must desire something that you could give him. It might be a sex thing or just a day a week to himself or a week away in cabin. If you are seen to be looking after his needs then he should surely get into some spanking role-play with you. Who knows, you might get lucky and discover that he really likes having his own ass paddled but couldn’t see how to tell you. Whatever it might be that he is secretly wishing for in his life I am sure you would be generous enough to give it, in return for a “naughty girl spanking” routine every two or three days.
    Tell him that life is too short for us not to get the pleasures we want now and make him stand up to his responsibilities in your partnership.
    Good luck

  6. I have no advice whatsoever - I wish I did, because I'd take it myself! Just know that I'd love to give you a big hard hug because I'm absolutely in the same place and it would feel wonderful to hug someone who knows how I feel! If nothing else, at least know that you're not alone. Today marks two months since there was even a hint of spanking in my house, and sadly this feels like a familiar place. :(

  7. I think we're gonna need a bigger boat. I can't wait to find out what the responses to the brunch question are!

  8. I have no advice for you, but I realize once again how lucky I am! I don't think you will be able to just forget it...i could not, anyway. HUGS..keep posting I would really miss you. HUGS..abby

  9. TRH,
    I’m beginning to see just how many of us there are. Hope you situation improves, hope mine does too.

    Thanks Paul, I know he loves me but what if this just isn’t what he wants?

    Hey FD,
    We’re not completely empty yet. Mollie is a senior but she is gone a lot. I know the hunger is always going to be there. But if it’s not what he wants do I just need to suck it up and shut up. I don’t think he’s against it or anything but we don’t seem to be moving ahead.

    It has made me feel better to realize that so many others share this problem. I sometimes read blogs and it seem like everyone else has all this worked out except us. I know this isn’t true but it can feel that way.

    I know how lucky I am to have Nick try and be as willing as he has been. He’s the best husband in the world no matter how he feels about this.

    Maddy, I like what you said about asking for what we want at this age. I feel like I’ve wasted enough time. I’m glad it has worked out so well in your relationship. I’ve often thought I would have made a good HOH. LOL! I have so many ideas! I guess a lot of my day dreams were about what I would have wanted a guy to do in certain situations. But of course Nick can’t read my mind going back all those years. And if I tell him then I feel as if I’m topping.

    Thanks Tracy! It really does help knowing so many others struggle with this. None of us can go to work and complain about this aspect of our lives, we probably won’t gripe to our family members. So the people out here that understand mean a lot to me.

    ‘I think we're gonna need a bigger boat.’ LOL! That’s cool and I think you're right!

    I hope to keep posting – about our traditional topic or something. My friends are here and I don’t want to lose contact.

  10. Anonymous11:40 PM

    I am in your shoes. There has been no mention no action no nothing of TTWD in a long long time. I think I have let it go. My sex life has suffered, i just don't feel it anymore. Maybe one day it will return. I don't think there is an easy answer.
    Huge Hugs

  11. Such a hard one PK and one and I have no advice. I wish I could help and say do this, try this.
    Hermione is right, from the blogs I read in the same situation but I know that doesn't really make it any easier.

    Maybe there is some advice or suggestions on Bonnie's brunch.

    Hugs to you my friend.


  12. Anonymous12:48 PM

    I've been reading about this for many years now; wives who want to be spanked or dominated in some way and husbands who do it enthusiastically at first, then eventually slow down and sometimes stop altogether. I asked my husband about why this happens and he said that for a lot of husbands, the whole thing can start to feel like a chore.

    "Spank the wife, take out the garbage.." You know.

    It starts to sound like nagging. Which is the last thing any of us wants to do, I know.

    Which is why I disagree with the advice to "communicate nonstop" about this topic. A lot of men feel they are already getting too MUCH communication about it. They're sick of it. Even though we women do not think we are overdoing it, ofttimes *they* do.

    So, one thing you can do is give it a rest for a while. Doesn't mean forever, just a while. Instead, maybe focus on *his* fantasies? Cater to his desires for a while instead of yours? When was the last time you guys focused solely on his stuff? :)

    And maybe back off reading the blogs about spanking and writing about spanking and getting your head into "all things spanking". Take a break from it.

    I know from my own experience that when I read lots of blogs on certain topics, I become consumed by that topic. I obsess on it, that's all I want to think about.

    But if I resist and stop going to such websites, the urge to constantly think about that topic recedes.

    You may find that after you take the pressure off Nick and let your obsession slack off for a while, things might pick up again naturally.

    Just some ideas, based on my own experience as well as observing others for so long, now. :) Good luck! :)

  13. I understand, truly truly I do. You speak much of what I feel. I am feeling discouraged about TTWD as well. I have been meaning to write to you as a friend but I just can't get the words out...maybe because then it will be too real and right now life is so busy that being in denial is easier. Nice to know I have a friend who really understands. My husband, love him dearly and always will and know he loves me too...doesn't seem to understand. From the comments it seems we are not alone either. Glad you put this out there...thanks...I have been feeling alone and not being able to talk to anyone about it. Hugs, Terps

  14. This is so good. I'm glad you didn't give up! Have you found through the years (7 since this post) that it goes in waves? Nick has done some wonderful things with TTWD. He obviously enjoys it. Even shows in the stories he's written. I know we all wish they were naturals like Tom but many of us have a man who tries to be. I still wonder why do we need this? But you can't just try to forget. It's a part of who we are. FYI mine bought a back scratcher on his OWN last week! I was really happily surprised!
    Rosie Dee