Figuring out what works

The last time I wrote on topic here I wasn’t feeling so hot. Nick realized how down I was after reading the posts I had put up on that Sunday and Tuesday. On Wednesday he sent me an email but I didn’t have the energy to muster up an answer that afternoon. I took a nap instead. When I woke up he wanted to talk. I didn’t! I talk well with my fingers and a key board but doing it face to face, about something that is important to me, with someone I love, is very hard for me.

But we talked. It kinda felt like being drug over gravel, naked. I think if you read here you probably know most of my opinions and thought about TTWD. I finally introduced it into our lives after holding it as a shameful secret for my entire life. Nick wanted to talk but I had nothing else to add – I had talked, posted, and emailed everything I knew to say.

I remember saying somewhere during the conversation that I knew spanking was ‘my thing’ not his, meaning he wasn’t born to it. But he quickly corrected me “It’s our thing now.” he said. “But I can’t see inside your head. I can’t compete with fantasy or worse yet, fiction.” I’m sure there was a lot more said but the whole trauma of talking kinda wiped it out. Only the key things stick in my mind and I felt like this was key.

I had to admit he was right. Maybe I had already come to that conclusion and that was the reason I had decided to take a break from blogging. I felt I needed to rethink everything and find a more… hmmm… what’s the word? ‘Mature’ isn’t exactly the way I was thinking of it. Maybe ‘realistic’ is more accurate. I needed to find a more realistic way to incorporate TTWD into our lives. I had to accept that the fantasies of my youth, the ones I had played and replayed for decades, weren’t real life. I think I had had this fantasy mold in my head forever and when Nick agreed to try this kind of relationship I tried to stuff him into this mold not taking in the fact that real life doesn’t work that way.

So far so good, we had talked. There was even some spanking that afternoon. And I felt better. I was going to spend more time in reality and less in my head. We decided to take at more time to just talk about things that were important to us – talking without the TV or a compute on. It made sense. I stopped fantasizing, I didn’t write any post, I didn’t read many blogs, I didn’t work on any fiction, I wouldn’t even listen to Cassie.

I can tell you one thing for sure – I was miserable. Usually after Nick and I clear the air about this I bounce back and feel happy and upbeat again. That didn't happen, I simply felt blank. It was like I was giving myself the silent treatment. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t sad – I was nothing. I wasn’t interested in sex, in spanking, it talking, in visiting. Blank was the perfect way to describe it. I really thought I was doing the right thing but it was making me feel much, much worse.

It didn’t take that long for me to realize that stepping away from daydreaming and writing wasn’t right for me. Once this realization hit I felt better almost at once. Mindblogging is good for me, it calms and relaxes me when I need it to, yet at other times it feeds my libido. And if anyone is wondering, I really do know the difference between fantasy and reality. I know there are some fiction stories in my head that have NOTHING to do with what I want in real life. But I still find them exciting and sexy and hot! Not writing cut me off from being creative and happy. Nope, stepping away wasn’t right for me. I just have to be sure I’m using these fantasies to enhance living my life, not instead of it. When Nick and I talked about it he pointed out that he had never asked me to stop writing. He know it’s good for me too.

Our bond is as strong as any couple I know. Our marriage is like a delicious meal – basically we like the same foods. We have both introduced different items onto the menu and we have been willing to try a little of everything. But if I want more of one spice that Nick does its okay to add it to my plate only – I don’t have to insist he flavor his plate to suit me. I can use my fantasies, my writing in general, as a way to kick my libido up a notch. I think women in general need more fantasies to get them to where they need to be than men do.

For right now I think we’re doing well. I’ll keep doing what works for me. That may be one part of me firmly planted in reality and the other part just as much at home in fantasy/fiction land. I’m really pretty comfortable in both.