Thursday, October 22, 2009
Nothing particularly earth shattering here today folks. I am not as down as I was about the job but only because this week I am able to ignore more. That comes and goes; one week I’m in tears and the next I say screw it, close the door and just do my job the way I am supposed to without all the interference . But although I’m not as upset as I was I don’t feel I’m back to myself.
I am letting my weight get away from me. I see myself doing it and yet I don’t stop. I snack more than I should. I eat unnecessary snacks. I mean one where I am not even hungry I’m just mad/sad/frustrated or something like that. I feel I ‘deserve’ a treat for putting up with all the crap at work. After I eat it I get so mad at myself but yet I turn around and do it again.
So where is Nick in all this? Well he’s here. But lately there has been little to no spanking. That’s not a complaint, just an observation. The last few weeks have been rough. He knows I’ve been so unhappy about work; I had a cold for a while. Extra stuff has been going on and we have had little time alone. When we have been alone I haven’t felt very sexy and I haven't felt like a spanko in my head. Would a spanking have helped, I don’t know. Would it help now? I honestly don’t know. I can say I have not been in the mood for a spanking – I just feel blank mostly.
Maybe I get mixed emotions about mixed spankings. I know mentally I need discipline spankings sometimes, at least on some level. Those are the spankings that make a spanko feel love and protected. But really the only time Nick spanks more that a short spur of the moment spanking is as foreplay to love making. Now I have NOTHING against spanking as foreplay – I mean for me it’s the stuff dreams are made of but when he combines the two it lessens the effect of either one. When the spanking is really just a sidebar or a prelude to sex I don’t feel he is serious about helping me maintain focus on the healthy lifestyle. And when he tells me I need to work harder and hit the gym while watching my eating habits, well that doesn’t make me feel sexy. Do you see why I want a separation of the two?
Nick has mastered the art of the erotic spanking; he is creative, thoughtful, romantic – the works! I couldn’t ask for more along those lines. But when he does feel a spanking is in order for anything else it’s usually just a quickie – no time to get my mind around the meaning behind it all. Mental is so important.
Once again these are just thought running through my head. I’m not really worried about these things, I’m not mad or annoyed and I don’t feel neglected. All is well if not exactly where I wish it was. I know how lucky I am. I have a place I can come and work all these things around in my head and mostly I’m lucky because I have Nick.