I wasn't going to post this. I sent a more detailed version to some friends last night but since it seems so big in my life right now and my blog is about everything I thought I would post this abbreviated version. I found that just sharing with some folks last night really did make me feel better.
I feel down. It has nothing to do with Nick. We’re doing great. I’m very happy at home. I know most of my problem is my job. I used to love it so much. I still love teaching. I enjoy my students. I miss teaching the way it used to be. Back when I could teach, back when teachers could use ‘teachable moments’ for thing other than The Standard Course of Study, back when I was respected and valued as a professional. It’s all gone now.
I wrote a post at the beginning of the school year saying I was not going to let it get to me this year the way it did last year. And I’m trying so hard to fight it off. But it’s like working in the ocean and promising you won’t let it get you wet. I guess every profession is seeing something like this, more regulation and documentation than productive work. I sometimes wonder how well my students might do, how much progress they could make if all my time and energy could go into teaching them.
I feel like most of my energy is going into attending meetings – meetings where teachers (who no longer want to be in the classroom teaching) are telling me how to teach. They are telling me how I’m going to be evaluated. They are telling me that I have to document everything I do or say. And they are making me feel as if I am incapable of doing the job I’ve done for 20 years. You can’t see a career you love completely change without feeling very, very sad.
I try to leave all this at school. I really do and I resent it crowding over into my real life. My real life is the best it’s ever been and that’s what I want to think about at home. I’m trying – I’m going to keep trying but when I do seem out of it and quiet, you’ll know where my mind is.