I made it through yesterday. My son lives several hours away. The sun still came up this morning. You had all assured me it would but it was a relief to see it for myself. I think I did great. I cried a bit but not in front of my son. He knew tears were close but I think he was relieved not to have to confront them when he was a bit emotional himself.
There were several reasons I was worried about yesterday. Of course I worried about the move, but I was also worried about me and Nick and how serious we are about this new lifestyle. My biggest fear is that the bliss I have felt this summer is going to ebb away as work and real life takes over. I worry that Nick won’t believe it is truly a lifestyle that I want us both to continue to explore and live and I was worried about me. How serious was I, would it all begin to seem like a game to me when confronted with the ‘real life’ concerns of our son’s leaving. Much of my fears were laid to rest yesterday.
It really began the night before, I was in the kitchen when one of the waves hit and I found myself in tears. Now over the years I know that Nick never really knew how to react to my tears. They don’t come often. I hate to cry. He never knew whether to ignore them, give me a hug or what. He didn’t know what I wanted him to do because I didn’t know what I wanted him to do. I usually just tried to get away from everyone when the tears started. But Tuesday night it felt different. When I started crying he just held me and I didn’t feel like I had to hide, I just leaned against him and it felt wonderful.
I woke up around 4:00 AM Wednesday morning thinking that what would really help me get through the day was a spanking. But I knew it wasn’t likely. I didn’t think that Nick would try that when he knew my mind was so consumed with other thoughts and feelings. I was wrong!! I heard the click of the door that usually precedes interesting activities in out bedroom. Nick started rubbing my bottom with the bamboo backscratcher. I can’t tell you exactly what he said but I know what I heard. He said that he knew it was going to be a hard day and he knew I would be sad and that was okay, but I needed to remember it was our son’s day and not to be so upset as to make it harder for him. He also said he wanted me to focus on us and our lives and not just the change in our son’s life. He then started with the backscratcher in a way that really helped me focus!! OUCH! He didn’t go particularly hard; we had a long ride ahead of us. Although not being able to sit comfortably would have been wonderful treat. That will really keep you focused!!
I wish I could make you understand how different these past few days would have been if they had taken place 3 months ago. I would have cried alone, hiding from my husband. I would have been consumed with loneliness at the thought of my son’s leaving. I would have felt that my best friend was moving away. But now when I cried, my husband held me and I know that I didn’t leave my best friend at college. I came home with my best friend.