I have been a wife and mother for over twenty years. Now I am becoming my husband's lover, too.
We owe it all to my fellow bloggers who gave me the courage to come out to my husband as a spanko.
I do feel like this is a New Beginning for us.

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Friday, August 04, 2006

Like it or not

When I realized last night that Nick was reading my blog I was unreasonably upset. I found I was really annoyed with out knowing why. I hadn’t asked him not to, although I had never even really acknowledged that I even had one. I am beginning to realize that it is because I have kept my feeling such a secret from Nick for our whole marriage that it scares me to think of allowing him to know them now. So I decided to ask him not to read it. I had to have a place to be totally honest. I want to be able to tell exactly what I feel even if he comes out looking bad or I do. If I want to give intimate, delicious, minute by minute description of our love life I want to be free to do it with out him coming to me and saying I shouldn’t. I want him to not worry about me revealing too much and being outed which seem to be his concern last night. I’ll be careful, more careful that I have been. But I am not going to expose us!

Well, I had decided to ask him not to read my blog at all but a good friend asked me to reconsider. And I have. After all he is my husband after 20 years. It’s time that if he wants to know what I am feeling it’s his right. But he is going to have to accept them for what they are my feeling – good, bad or indifferent. If he doesn’t want to know, he can read elsewhere.

Having said all that, here goes, my feelings. I had an interesting morning. I was still really annoyed all night then Nick woke me up to remind me it was weigh in day. I wasn't in the mood to play, I was pissed. But I got up. Last week, the first week I lost 3 pounds but this morning I had gained back 2.

Dilemma: I just woke up, I had gained weight, I was mad at Nick and I was in no mood for a spanking, much less the one I expected for not meeting goal. I hadn't felt less sub-like since I started this. Nick chose to take care of things on the spot. I have made a commitment to this so I said nothing. It hurt, really hurt, partial because I was really fighting it mentally. It was as close as I have ever come to crying, but I didn't. I was another step and it was a good step, a healthy one. I do not want this to be a game I want it to be real.

I feel much better now. For a long time I fought so hard against feeling any emotion that it feels wonderful to just ‘feel’ at all. Anger, conflict, negative emotions are so much better than nothing. If I can open up to feeling – good or bad – it has to be better in the long run than to stay inside these safe walls I have built for my comfort. I would be a better wife, a better mother and a better friend. So here it is. Another leap, I hope I have a safe landing.

7 comments:

  1. Looks like the comments are working again!! Yeah!!

    I'm hearing you on the emotion stuff. Been there, done that, don't want the T-shirt. I think though we have to get through feeling the bad before we can feel the good. The only way is to just let yourself go through it.

    Eva

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  2. Since the very beginning of my journaling on Blogger, MoJo has read what I've written. He doesn't comment much, but he always tells me something after he's read a post. Many times my posts have lead us to another level in our relationship. He enjoys reading about our time together or my thoughts of one of our conversations. He says he learns one more thing about me, about us every time he reads.

    I'm glad you've decided to not keep Nick from reading your words. This is one more way to bring down some of your barriers.

    Sorry about the weight fluctuation...most aggravating. Don't become discouraged. With weight loss slower is much better.

    **Big Hugs**

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  3. Bravo Cedci! You took the words right out of my mouth. Having my husband read my blog started out just like Elis but it's already a good thing for all the reasons you shared.

    Eva

    PS - sorry for the comment hijacking elis

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  4. Interesting post Elis. I believe you're wise to let Nick read the blog, but not to censer it.
    Nothing wrong with emotions, good or bad let them out, Nick NEEDS to know what you feel.
    Slow and steady is the best way to lose weight, every one makes mistakes, and if your butt is warmed, well it adds a little buzz to the day. *G*
    Hugs,
    Paul.

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  5. Elis-
    The only real problems we have had in our marriage have come from me hiding things from Tom. Let Nick know what you are thinking and feeling. Men want to know but just as you are unsure that you want to tell him everything he won't know at first how to react. If this is new to both of you remember to give him time to adjust too.

    Love,
    Cassie

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  6. Hi Elis::

    Has this happened to you yet? You're taking a few quiet moments to check your email, contemplating your next post when out of the blue comes.....a tag!

    I'm tagging you to do a pretty easy meme, details are in the Garden.

    *mwah*
    **Big Hugs**

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  7. So if you had not really even told Nick about your blog...how did he find it?

    Huggs
    Theresa

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