When I realized last night that Nick was reading my blog I was unreasonably upset. I found I was really annoyed with out knowing why. I hadn’t asked him not to, although I had never even really acknowledged that I even had one. I am beginning to realize that it is because I have kept my feeling such a secret from Nick for our whole marriage that it scares me to think of allowing him to know them now. So I decided to ask him not to read it. I had to have a place to be totally honest. I want to be able to tell exactly what I feel even if he comes out looking bad or I do. If I want to give intimate, delicious, minute by minute description of our love life I want to be free to do it with out him coming to me and saying I shouldn’t. I want him to not worry about me revealing too much and being outed which seem to be his concern last night. I’ll be careful, more careful that I have been. But I am not going to expose us!
Well, I had decided to ask him not to read my blog at all but a good friend asked me to reconsider. And I have. After all he is my husband after 20 years. It’s time that if he wants to know what I am feeling it’s his right. But he is going to have to accept them for what they are my feeling – good, bad or indifferent. If he doesn’t want to know, he can read elsewhere.
Having said all that, here goes, my feelings. I had an interesting morning. I was still really annoyed all night then Nick woke me up to remind me it was weigh in day. I wasn't in the mood to play, I was pissed. But I got up. Last week, the first week I lost 3 pounds but this morning I had gained back 2.
Dilemma: I just woke up, I had gained weight, I was mad at Nick and I was in no mood for a spanking, much less the one I expected for not meeting goal. I hadn't felt less sub-like since I started this. Nick chose to take care of things on the spot. I have made a commitment to this so I said nothing. It hurt, really hurt, partial because I was really fighting it mentally. It was as close as I have ever come to crying, but I didn't. I was another step and it was a good step, a healthy one. I do not want this to be a game I want it to be real.
I feel much better now. For a long time I fought so hard against feeling any emotion that it feels wonderful to just ‘feel’ at all. Anger, conflict, negative emotions are so much better than nothing. If I can open up to feeling – good or bad – it has to be better in the long run than to stay inside these safe walls I have built for my comfort. I would be a better wife, a better mother and a better friend. So here it is. Another leap, I hope I have a safe landing.